The Blissful Highs And Sh*tty Lows Of Dating Someone Older

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I'm 29 years old, and I've dated all across the age spectrum in my decade-and-a-half-long bout in the dating world. I've dated younger men, younger women, older men and older women.

By the time I reached my early 20s, I kicked the boys to the curb (no disrespect gents, but I'm just a big ol' lezzie creature). But let me tell you, sweet kittens: Gender aside, I've found in my vast searches that I much prefer to date up. And I'm not talking about "up" on the societal food chain. I'm not talking about "up" as in "social status" (F*CK social status). I'm talking about up as in grand ol' AGE.

Basically, if you aren't currently collecting social security checks, I'm not interested.

JUST KIDDING. I'm most definitely NOT into dating the super old. I'm just interested in (and currently am dating) someone notably older than little 29-year-old me. Seven to 10 years is ideal.

I'm a Millennial who doesn't really enjoy doing Millennial things. In fact, I'm sort of like an old Upper East Side lady trapped in the body of a downtown Millennial.

I would rather sip cold white wine at a posh hotel bar with a stunning view of the city than take drugs and feverishly dance at the club. I'm allergic to public transportation. I abhor the taste of beer. I don't like house parties in sh*t apartments that smell like a sea of dead rats are festering in the fridge.

My nightmare scenario is smoking cigarettes outside of a dingy bar on the Lower East Side (or, worse, Bushwick) with self-important 23-year-old hipsters, freezing my ass off listening to them talk bullsh*t.

No. I would rather hang out in cigar bars with a salt and pepper crowd whilst drinking dry gin and engaging in heated debates about the Israel/Palestine conflict.

I like to wear pretty dresses without being gawked at by 20-somethings in ripped denim who smugly ask me "Why are you so dressed up?" (Because I'm f*cking fabulous, you hipster douchebag). I like to go out to dinner for Christ’s sake.

So yes, there are a lot of kickass aspects to dating someone older than you: maturity. Civilized behavior. Mentoring. A sense of being "taken care of" (bully me as you will, I like to be "princessed" from time to time, and I don't give a f*ck if you think that's lame. My girlfriend doesn't have any complaints).

That's not to say there aren't some, er, "challenging" aspects to a mature relationship, like having to go home at midnight when you're still ready to go wild. Or feeling acutely insecure about the lack of money in your bank account or being deemed nothing more than "arm candy" by their friends.

Dating someone older than you is a fierce, frustrating yet wonderfully eye-opening learning experience with a plethora of highs and lows.

Highs and lows: dating

High: They know how to take you on a "proper" date.

Most Millennials’ idea of a proper date is the good ol' “Netflix and Chill,” which basically means you get all pretty and dressed up only to find yourself at some dude's sh*tty apartment, scrolling through Netflix for 25 minutes before you have disappointing sex.

Not on my clock, kittens.

There is still romance left in this cruel, cold world. And based on my personal experience, you've got a better stab at finding it when you date a real adult.

To adults, a date is a proper dinner. With wine. With reservations. So when you get all lovely and douse yourself with a stealth splash of your very expensive limited edition Chanel No.5 fragrance, it's not being wasted sitting on a crummy couch somewhere deep in Brooklyn.

Low: You feel generally poor most of the time.

I don't know about you, but I'm broke as a joke. I live in Manhattan. I pay an arm and a leg to live in a six-story walkup and literally live paycheck to paycheck.

Every time I swipe my credit card at Walgreens, I hold my breath, gaze up into the bleak fluorescent drug store lights and say a little prayer, Please go through. Please go through. Please go through.

Normally, I really don't give a flying f*ck at the pathetic number in my bank account. If I can just keep my account out of the red, I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm young, I live in New York City, I survive, and I love my life. So who cares about money? Not me.

Well, until I start dating someone older.

All of a sudden, you accidentally peak into the number in their bank account when they're checking their balance in the back of a Taxi, and you see double digits. In both savings and checking.

You suddenly realize they have 401Ks. They own things, like cars. They have multiple credits cards for which they've been approved.

And all I have is $250 in my checking account, and the only card I have is a Sephora beauty insider card.

Highs and lows: friends

High: They have interesting friends.

One of my favorite parts of dating up is the interesting, dynamic group of friends they've garnered in their years. They're fascinating, chic, sophisticated creatures who prefer to ruminate over a nice glass of Vino rather than toss back tequila shots all night long.

And you can actually have intellectual conversations about life, love and art!

Low: Sometimes those friends can be condescending as F*CK.

Oh, the looks you get from jealous, bitchy eyes when you're the youngest girl in the room. Ignorant entities cut you with their glances, squeeze one another's arms and nod to each other knowingly: "Oh it's clear why they’re together."

As if you're some sort of uncultured bimbo. As if you're merely arm candy. As if you're the pretty little decoration to the person you're dating.

Nothing fills me more with rage! I'm far too opinionated to be anyone's puppy.

However, I do quite enjoy the look on an old girl's face when I'm able to quickly outsmart her, outwit her and out-sophisticate her within minutes of her bestowing a condescending comment upon me.

Highs and lows: sex

High: The sex is better.

It takes time to get comfortable in your body. It takes time to learn what the hell you're doing in between the sheets. It takes heaps of trial and error to get really, really, really, really good at sex.

Which means dating someone older than you also means dating someone more sexually experienced than you.

I don't know about you, but I'm not interested in being anyone's "teacher" in sex. I want someone who can surprise me with her intense sexual prowess. Show me something I don't know. Make me come like I never came before.

Low: They suck at sexting.

From my experience, sexting is most definitely a Millennial phenomenon. The generation before me can crush it with phone sex, but they're at a loss when it comes to the fine ART OF THE SEXT.

But it's okay. The great thing about dating people who are older is they don't have massive egos that get in the way of them listening to you. Age has made them wise. They're inherently faster learners than us youngins.

It's also nice to teach your older lover a thing a two, you know?