Not Everyone Secretly Wishes They Could Have Sex With Anyone They Want At Any Time


I'll be the first to tell you sex is great. I'll also be the first to tell you I'm attracted to, like, everyone.

I pride myself in not having a "type," and I spend a whole lot of time reading and writing about all the different kinds of people, sexualities, and sexual behaviors that exist out there. And man, are there a lot.

Of course, most humans ARE sexual beings, and it is totally natural to be physically attracted to anyone for any reason. Loads of people will have many, many sexual partners in their life, and I think that's awesome.

THAT BEING SAID (woooahhh, disclaimer), not everyone wants to just sleep with everybody.

With the uptick in dating apps, online relationships and hook-up culture spiraling out from resources like Tinder, Grindr and so on, one is sort of led to believe that EVERYONE is boning, like, all the time.

And when they aren't, they surely must be thinking about the next time they can.

While millennials are sexually liberated (which is awesome), we are also sexually inundated, and a huge importance is placed on hooking up.

In general, our society's emphasis on sex has surpassed the emphasis of romance, particularly for young people. It can certainly feel like if you aren't having sex, then you aren't normal.

THIS, dear readers, is bullshit.

For some, the choice to remain monogamous or the decision to abstain from sex entirely is a totally personal, real-life choice — one they make on their own accord.

I started thinking about this when my girl friends and I were talking about threesomes one day.

I mentioned how my boyfriend wasn't interested in having one, and I was met with a scoff from one friend who said, "OK, well, he's lying. EVERY guy wants to have a threesome."

At first, I felt embarrassed that my boyfriend might be lying to me, but then, I remembered how I was the one in my long-term relationship with this man, and my friend was, well, not.

How would she know better than I did what he does and does not want in bed?

Our society's emphasis on sex has surpassed the emphasis of romance, particularly for young people.

I brought this up to him later that night and gave him a big, wide opening (for the second time in our relationship) to tell me if he ever wanted to have a threesome.

Both times, I made it super clear I was open to the possibility (even if I'd probably have a tough time wrapping my mind and heart around it) and told him how it was way more important to me to know his actual wants and needs in the bedroom than to be lied to.

He said to me (pretty earnestly), "I think a threesome is a terrible idea and would ruin everything."

Sure, you might even be sitting there thinking, "Yup, he is lying." But why do you think that?

Probably because society and history has shown us that men think with their penises first and their minds/hearts second, making it difficult to believe that a red-blooded man would turn down sex with multiple partners if given the opportunity.

I'm not going to say that men aren't sexually driven differently (and probably with more intensity) than women, because, yeah, they ARE, but this doesn't mean their sexual desire controls their every decision.

Also, my boyfriend and I sharing similar feelings on our shared sex life kind of makes sense, right? It makes us good for one another, since we agree on something intimate and important to our relationship.

We agreed early on in our relationship that if we ever found ourselves wanting to sleep with other people, we would just be honest with one another.

Both of us have been cheated on in the past, and we were on the same page about how we would want the other person to handle it if they found out they weren't sexually fulfilled anymore in our relationship.

Personally, I'm down to get down with one person at a time, and right now, I pick the love of my life.

I'm down to get down with one person at a time, and right now, I pick the love of my life.

I know my personality and emotions would leave me with a paranoid or insecure feeling that I had made a mistake and wasn't trusting my gut, my head OR my heart if we invited someone else into the mix or if I slept with someone else.

For some like me, the thrill of having sex with someone NEW isn't as important as the thrill of having sex with someone you LOVE.

Even I keep waiting for a burning desire to bone someone who isn't my boyfriend, because I think I'm "supposed" to.

This whole conversation leaves out an even larger population of people who aren't even sleeping around — not because they are in love, but because they genuinely don't CARE to.

For example, a commitment to celibacy or identifying as asexual are both normal, valid reasons for people not to engage in sex. And neither have anything to do with whether or not they find people attractive.

Whereas celibacy is the decision to not engage in sexual activity with ANYONE, asexuality describes a person who does not feel sexual desire at all.

A friend who identifies as asexual says, “The feeling most people get around a super attractive person that tells your brain, 'Hey, I'd definitely take my clothes off right now and fuck you' just doesn't really happen for me.” clarifies it further, explaining asexuality is not a gender identity, celibacy pledge, choice or disorder, but rather a sexual orientation, like hetero or homosexuality.

The point is, it's OK if you feel like everyone else is burning with horny fire and you aren't. Also, if your friends aren't hooking up, it doesn't make them abnormal, prude or weird either.


Our sexual desires and behaviors are so personal and are a result of a combination of things, like our individual beliefs, preferences, personalities, life experiences and more. And if crazy, wild sex with millions and millions doesn't align with your personal compass, playa PLEASE don't feel forced to go engage in it then.

The BEST times to have sex is — you guessed it — whenever you want to, and the best people to have sex with are — you guessed it again! — the ones you want to have sex with.

Otherwise, keep on keeping on, and screw (or don't!) the haters.