I am about to reveal a groundbreaking secret to the world. Are you sitting down? OK, here I go: People have anal sex. They enjoy it. It feels good. However, due to cultural stigmas and some weird societal taboo factor, there's a certain amount of shame attached to incorporating it into your love life. Sometimes, it can even feel embarrassing to ask your partner to have anal sex.
But the thing is, it really shouldn't be. Scream it from the rooftops! Want to have anal sex?! Actually, that is maybe a bad idea. So Fran Greene, LCSW, author of Dating Again with Courage and Confidence and The Flirting Bible, tells Elite Daily the appropriate way to ask your parter to do the deed, if you're feeling a little nervous — no rooftops involved.
Read the room.
Turns out, being nervous can actually be advantageous. Confidently asking someone if they want to have anal sex would probably come off pretty intimidating, if you think about it.
"Being nervous can actually help you because it will enable you to be sensitive to your partner's hesitancy if they express unwillingness or averseness," says Greene. "Since anal sex can be taboo, your partner might be ecstatic that you have brought it up. Perhaps it is something that has been on his/her mind but they were reluctant to discuss it."
Addressing the situation with gentleness is the perfect way to approach the topic with your partner — not to mention the act itself. Greene continues, "The first step in talking about it is to 'feel' your partner out. If you get thumbs up, the rest is easy. If you got a look of shock, disgust, or 'are you f*****g out of your mind?' it's time to go to Plan B." And Plan B might be missionary, if your partner is more of the vanilla type.
Respect their response.
The answer might be no, and you have to be OK with that. But to get the best possible response, some times are better than others to engage in the B-sex convo. "Do not have this discussion during the heat of passion. Nobody wants to feel pressured to say yes if they mean no, or have feelings of regret afterward," Greene says. "I would encourage you to be honest and direct about your desires and your uncomfortableness in bringing it up. The key is to ask for what you want and be prepared to accept your partner's response."
Obviously, with all things, you need consent. Additionally, don't make your partner decide immediately. This isn't a moment's notice kind of thing. "Let your partner know it's OK to think about it, and not deciding at this moment is perfectly fine," she continues. "You need to reassure your partner that it's OK to be ambivalent about it. The more accepting you are of your partner's feelings, the greater the likelihood they would be willing to engage in it."
Just like other important life decisions, like getting bangs or buying an expensive purse, you should take a moment to think about engaging in anal sex before you take the plunge.
And now, you know how to initiate the conversation. So proceed with caution and take your time. If you and your partner end up trying it, and you don't like it, you can always stop. But hey, you might as well try it out at least once, right?
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