10 Thoughts You Have When Your Hookup Buddy Finds Love
Few things in life are more confusing than having a regular hookup buddy.
Sure, sure, we might all say we know what the boundaries are, but it can be very tricky to dismantle the one or two heartstrings usually attached to our penis or vagina.
Often, these kinds of "negotiations" end in one of three ways: You either agree you actually care about each other on a deeper level, you find someone else you care about on a deeper level or, if you're unlucky, THEY find someone they care about on a deeper level.
It's this last scenario that stings the most. Of course, it shouldn't bother you, should it? And yet, it does.
Here is exactly what it feels like when your fuck buddy finds true love with someone else:
It can be incredibly confusing to find out that the person you've been smashing genitals with is not only suddenly not interested in that anymore, but that they have, in fact, found someone else they enjoy spending time with fully clothed.
You might wonder things like, "How long has this been going on?" "Why didn't you tell me you met someone?" or "Am I an idiot that I didn't know?"
It takes time to process this info, and answers can come in confusing and jarring waves.
"Am I allowed to care?"
At this point, you'll start to get very technical in your head.
What are the rules? Are you allowed to be affected by this news? Technically, you weren't, like, "together" together, but also technically, they used your Whole Foods organic body wash, like, on the regular.
That has to count for something, right?
The line between a mild hookup inconvenience and taking it personally is super blurry.
"Better stalk them on social media."
By now, you might think it's a good idea for no one to make any sudden movements until you see what you're really dealing with here. Maybe you feel like, if you see them together with your own eyes, it might change how you feel.
Trust me. Do. Not. Do this.
You're only going to discover that the new love of your old booty call's life looks like one of two things: either exactly like you or nothing like you at all. Both are terrible, confusing and only lead to more questions.
"I CARE ABOUT THIS DEEPLY."
You'll probably find you have A LOT of feelings about this. This will both shock and amaze you, as you learn how deeply you really feel about everything. After all, it was just sex, wasn't it!?
OR WAS IT?
I mean, can sex ever really be "just sex"?! Aren't we all connected on a spiritual level anyway?
And, like, not to make it a big deal or anything, but what can this new guy/girl possibly have that you don't? Two vaginas?
Why didn't they fall in love with you all those times you made sweet, sweet love to the sound of "South Park" playing in the background? UGH.
"JK, NO, I DON'T CARE."
You know what? On second thought, you probably don't care at all about this. They were holding you back anyway. You were using them. That's right. You hear that, world?! YOU were using THEM.
They've actually done you a favor, and now, you're free to go be your awesome self and make yourself available to all the bachelors probably banging on your door right this second.
"I must get revenge sex."
Now, you might be thinking if they find out you've had sex with someone else, it will unlock your ex-hookup buddy's true feelings for you.
In this case, you'll probably pregame by yourself with too much tequila and go on a wild goose chase for some strange poon*... AKA revenge sex.
(*So sorry I used the phrase "strange poon.")
"Wait, they won't care!"
Here's the thing, though: Revenge sex only works if they care about you. And remember, they've found love somewhere else.
Ultimately, having revenge sex is just for attention, and it could likely leave you feeling more alone, dirty or both.
"That's it! No more sex." (Optional)
Under these circumstances, it might be a good time to take a vow of abstinence. No good can come from casual sex anyway.
Take this time to learn how to cook vegan, reread the "Harry Potter" series and learn to love yourself (cough cough masturbate cough).
You don't need a warm body to hold you at night, damn it.
"Yeah, I'll be totally fine."
This person was obviously never going to be your soulmate anyway.
It could have been that one time you both got drunk, and he farted on you in his sleep that tipped you off, or it could have been the months of intimate intercourse that never lead to anything more that gave it away.
If you were meant to be in a real relationship with this person, you would have been by now.
"Watch out, world! It's the NEW me!"
Time to fly again, you little goddess, you.
Buy yourself some big-girl panties, delete the person from your Instagram account, throw out your body wash and get on with your bad self.