Are you feeling a little, uh, "bi-curious" and don't know what to do about it?
Well, darling, you've come to the right place. I'm here, I'm queer and I'm ready to give bi-curious advice to any girl in need. And really, who hasn't been hungry for bi-curious advice at some point in their lives?
I get floods of messages from girls asking for my bi-curious help every day. They usually come in a little after midnight, when a girl is tossing and turning in her bed, kept awake by the demons of her complicated sexuality.
"I think I might like girls, but I'm not sure. How THE HELL do I approach this, Zara?" "I'm definitely curious about dating other girls, but like, I've never done it? How does one even do it?" "HELP, I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THE IDEA OF HER, OR HER."
Oh, my sweet, bi-curious kittens, I completely get it. Our sexuality is the foundation of our lives. When we're feeling ungrounded in our sexuality, we are living our lives on shaky ground.
Hyper-sexual thoughts about girls began to flood my brain around the age of tender age of 12. I didn't know what the hell it meant. I thought boys were sort of cute, too; I even had kissed a few of them and managed not to vomit.
But you know how I really figured out my sexuality? I ~experimented~, honey.
Sometimes, the only way to figure out if you like something is to just try it out. Same thing happened to me with oysters. I didn't know how I felt about oysters until I popped a salty, lush oyster in my mouth.
Turns out I fucking loved oysters. And women.
However, before you rush over to your local lesbian bar ready to experiment with the first cute dyke you lay your curious eyes upon, there are a few rules you must abide by (unless you want to burn bridges and get blacklisted from the community). We're fun, but we're tough cookies.
Just like a posh English tea party, there is proper etiquette one must follow when they're looking to experiment with the same gender.
DO: Get on Tinder ASAP.
The truth is, we are existing in a time where the likelihood of meeting an attractive human at a bar is almost impossible. And you want to find a girl to ~sexually experiment~ with in random bar? That's aiming high.
Maybe it works that way in lesbian pornos, but real life isn't a lesbian porno (sadly).
You have to download Tinder ASAP and upload some sexually charged pictures of yourself. Remember, you're not looking to simply date; you're looking to sexually experiment.
Your pictures shouldn't look like real estate broker head shots or yearbook photos. They should be a little provocative. Don't be afraid to look sexy!
Our generation fears being overtly sexual, but if you're going to try new sexual things, you need to get over your fears and own your sexuality like a boss.
DON'T: Try to pretend you've "done this" before.
The worst thing a girl can do when she's sexually experimenting is lie and say she's had sex with a girl before. I know this because I've done it myself.
The first time I had sex with a girl, I told her I had done it several times. Meanwhile, I was terrible at going down on her (though now I'm a fucking rockstar), my palms were sweating like I had fallen ill with the plague and my body was trembling like a weak building amidst a California earthquake.
It was obvious I was lying.
Don't do what I did because it's very off-putting (and it's negative energy) to get caught up in a lie. You'll get yourself into a hell of a lot of drama if you act like "you've done this a million times," and she catches you telling tall tales.
Try this: "Hey, I haven't ever hooked up with a girl before, but I'm really attracted to you." Maybe it will turn her on. Maybe it will turn her off. Regardless, she'll know what she's in for.
You owe any person you're about to be intimate with your honesty, babe. At least your honesty about your sexuality. You can lie about other things (career, where you live, your name).
DO: Be upfront in your Tinder profile.
It's not nice for lesbians like me who aren't looking to experiment to be on a date with a girl, really digging her, only to find out halfway through the date that she's not even sure if she LIKES girls and is solely looking to experiment.
Plenty of girls will be down to experiment with you, but some girls (like me) aren't into it these days. We've been there, we've done it and bought the t-shirt. It's a cute t-shirt, but it's hanging out in my dresser right now, not on my body.
This way, you don't waste your own time or any other poor, lonely lesbian's time either. It's tough to be a lesbian. Don't make our lives harder by lying about your intentions.
DON'T: Get hammered.
If anyone understands the desire to get hammered to ease sexual anxiety, it's me. However, it's a bad idea, and I've made the "getting wildly drunk pre-hookup" mistake enough times so you don't have to, sweet pea.
Not only will you be a sloppy, lazy, drooly lover with no rhythm, you also won't really figure your shit out. You will wake up hazy and not even remember if it was an experience you enjoyed.
We experiment to figure out what we want, and that's a sobering reality that needs to be done, well, uh sober (OK maybe two glasses of wine, but no shots!).
DO: Acknowledge all NERVES and FEELINGS.
OK, so you're on a date with this girl and you really want to kiss her, but you're terrified. Don't push that fear down and pretend it doesn't exist. Feelings don't like to be silenced, so they rebel like stifled teenagers when they're repressed.
The best thing you can do if you're feeling nervous is to simply own it. Say, "Hey, I really want to kiss you, but I'm nervous."
Once you release your anxious feelings, the feelings will dissipate into thin air. It's like when you're 16 and suddenly your parents say you can stay out past midnight. Once it's allowed, you don't care about staying out past midnight. It's lost its appeal. You're in bed, reading by 9 pm.
Once you express your feelings, they lose their power. The truth sets you fucking free.
And if you do start to feel feelings beyond the realm of sexuality, like, say, you're finding yourself crushing, don't repress that either.
If feelings hate being repressed, crushes LOATHE being repressed. Let whatever lusting, loving feelings that overcome you wash all over your gorgeous body without our enemy called "judgment" intruding in and taking away your freedom to feel, honey.