It was just another fine day here in New York City. The sky was blue, the birds were chirping and yours truly was feeling particularly horny.
It was a day to hit up one of my trusty fuck buddies of the moment. Little did I know I'd be having anal sex later that day with him. Accidental anal, that is.
Friends, I'd never before explored the wonders of anal up until that day. The thought of someone sticking something large-and-in-charge into the orifice from which human feces comes out has always shaken me up.
Do I get the appeal of anal? For sure. It just doesn't seem like it'd be enjoyable for me, personally.
I met up with my fuck buddy after a round of drinks. He and I shot the shit for a bit, got wasted and eventually were ready to go.
We started off in missionary (my second favorite position after being on top. What can I say? I'm pretty cut-and-dry in the bedroom), but things got hot and heavy quickly. His favorite position was doggy, so I said "sure!" when he asked to switch to it up.
We moved over to a wall of his bedroom, where he took me from behind. My eyes were shut because, well, I was just so ~in the moment.~ But his eyes must have been closed, too, because the next thing I knew, I felt something girthy trying to make its way into my butthole.
As I felt the helmet of his penis begin to enter me, I yelped, "No. NO! That's the wrong HOLE..."
Then, bam. In it went, all the way, then quickly back out, like the gross lizard tongue of a bad kisser (ugh). As soon as the perpetrator realized what he did, his eyes grew wide.
"Oh my god," he said, touching my back. "I'm so sorry! It's dark! I couldn't see..."
I put my hand up and waved it around. "Time out. Stop talking. Just stop."
Hunched over, I made my way over from the wall to the other side of the bed. I was naked and vulnerable, and probably bumping into shit because it was dark AF.
I tried as hard as I could to shake off the feeling of a large, un-lubed wall of flesh coming at me the wrong way. But alas, I failed.
He insisted we start back up again, but my poor little butthole couldn't muster up the stamina.
"I don't know if I can have sex right now," I said, angry but despaired I hadn't yet reached orgasm. "My body needs to recover." He fell asleep peacefully while I lay awake all night with a sore bum.
If I'd given him consent to go in for the kill, that would have been a different story. I probably would have been more relaxed, both mentally and physically, thus making anal a more enjoyable experience and the pain, negligible. Penises are supposed to go in slow and steady, especially when it comes to the butthole.
But the pain was unbearable, and scarred me from ever doing it again. It was like trying to button my post-Thanksgiving dinner belly into jeans I bought at my skinniest. Something that big just isn't meant for something that... tight.
It was like trying to button my post-Thanksgiving dinner belly into jeans I bought at my skinniest.
My butthole hurt for a solid week after that fateful night. I was left waddling around instead of walking like a normal human. Anal was now off the table for my fuck buddy and me. We were forever scarred.
Maybe — MAYBE — if I were super drunk and had a giant of lube lying around, or if I found myself in one of those relationships where we become increasingly bored with our sex lives and spend our free time Googling "ways to spice up sex life," my mind wouldn't be as made up.
Or maybe I just haven't met the penis — I mean, man — of my dreams. You know, one that I'd want to enter my butthole.
Even still, I'm leaning toward never doing it again. And it's not only because I had one, drunken, accidental experience that scarred me (don't even get me started on the unexpected finger). It's because I feel anal sex is actually a disservice to vaginal sex.
By sticking it in my butt, are you trying to tell me that my vagina isn't good enough for all the sensations you want you and your penis to feel? Princess Jasmine (my vagina) doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.
...That, and it just grosses me out, to be honest. I'm all up for adventure, but there is a fine line between adventure and pain. I'll stick with painless adventure.
Love hurts. But so does accidental anal.
Love hurts. But so does accidental anal.