When you're first having sex with a new person, it's oh-so-exciting. New body! New taste! New smell! New energy! New orgasms! You are in the glorious throes of sensory overload, girls. Just a light graze to the kneecap can send orgasmic chills down your fragile little spines.
However, despite what the newly cuffed might tell you, the thrill of shiny newness will eventually wear the f*ck off. Trust me on this one. Mama Z has been around the block (and back -- multiple times).
I had a mother who was always very open with me about sex. "Darling," she would say, "it's always up to ONE person in a relationship to keep up the sex. I always spice it up for your father. Trust me, I do strip teases on the four-poster bed!"
"Motherrrr! TMI!" I would screech, making a big show of squeezing my eyes closed in horror and throwing my hands over my ears.
"What? I'm trying to teach you, darling. You can't ever let the sex go, and it will ... unless you work at it, like I do with your fath--"
"MOTHER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I GET IT! I JUST DON'T WANT THINK ABOUT YOU AND DAD HAVING SEX!" I would squeal, running out of the kitchen, diving into my room and slamming the door like I saw the angsty teens on TV do.
Truth be told, despite pretending to be horrified, I'm super thankful that my mother spoke honestly to me about sex. I mean, I could've gone without the details, but I gotta say, my dear mother was right (she's always right): You gotta work at the ol' sex life.
Look, sugar babies. Having a girlfriend or boyfriend is HARD. Crushes fester anxiety. Scoring a successful f*ckbuddy is no easy feat. If you aren't hell-bent on having insatiable, mind-blowing, soul-enhancing sex with your partner, crush or f*ckbuddy, then what the hell is the point?! Why would you put yourself through the harrowing trials and tribulations of being in these complicated dynamics without the promise of amazing sex?
You have to exert energy to keep that sex fire alive. And what better way to ignite those flames than to engage in some sexy ~role play~?
Engaging in role-play is hot -- especially when you're toying with taboo scenarios and controversial power dynamics. In fact, role-playing can be pretty freaking empowering. It allows you to work through all those scandalous sexual fantasies stewing in your twisted brain ... safely.
Always wanted to be handcuffed and "punished" by a law enforcement officer? Ever dreamt of being felt up by the TSA? I know I have. Except if that were to happen in real life, it would end up a traumatic disaster that would take years and years of therapy to work through (and I already have enough sh*t to work through). However, when I act out those scenes with a partner that I trust, I'm able to turn those wicked fantasies into a (safe) reality.
Confession: Do you know what I do when I'm lying awake at 2 am, tossing and turning in bed? I dream up all the sexy role-play scenarios I want to act out one day (when I'm getting laid again).
So now I've decided, SCREW IT: I'll share some of my freaky scenarios with all of you. Just in case some of you lovely creatures are feeling a little dry in the sex department. After all, I'm here to help. I'm your Internet lesbian BFF who has your back, always and forever, baby.
Allow me to disclaim: Role-playing can happen only between two consenting adults. Never, ever let any f*ckboy or f*ckgirl pressure you into a sexual situation that makes you uncomfortable. That being said, I believe anything that happens between two consenting adults is never, ever, wrong. Let that freak flag fly (I'll be flying mine right next to you, my kinky brothers and sisters).
And please, dear God, remember that these scenarios are totally gender neutral! Do NOT assume the submissive roles are for women only. I'm a big giant lez, so I personally imagine all of these scenes with two women, but insert whatever gender you like! I don't care for any rules, let alone gender rules.
So, here goes:
The big, bad boss and the meek employee
You've always had a massive, all-consuming crush on that boss of yours. Except you're too professional to "go there," aren't you, you formal little vixen?
Until late one night, you have one too many drinks at the office holiday party. And it's suddenly down to just the two of you.
"Oh, but I can't do THAT -- that's NOT professional," you say with your sweet, earnest little doe eyes.
"Well, I'm your boss, and really it's in your best interest to do as I say," the big, bad boss bites back.
The police officer and the criminal
You've been recklessly speeding down the highway, not giving a f*ck about getting caught by the cops. Because you, my bad-ass babe, are a criminal who wants to get caught. You're ready to be taught the sinful lesson your sinful life deserves.
And suddenly, the hottest, sexiest cop pulls your sordid self over. Before you know it, your dreams have come true: You're cuffed and thrown up against a cop car like the dirty criminal you are.
The stranger and the stranger
You're sitting at a bar. You're dressed to the NINES. Cocktail dress and all. Except you, my hottie, have been stood up on a date, and you're feeling as blue as a summer sky. As you stare into your empty wine glass, you ever-so-suddenly feel a tap on the shoulder.
Who is it? It's a total stranger. But for some reason, there is an inexplicable fire of attraction burning between the two of you.
You don't normally go home with a stranger whose name you don't even know. I mean, you're a good Christian woman ... right?
The professor and the student
You're the professor. You know you shouldn't have eyes for that hot, sexy student in the nerd glasses. But she does seem to linger around after class a little too long, don't you think?
The repair woman and the rich housewife
Oh, that leaky sink just won't quit dripping. What a conundrum for a loaded, bored housewife like you! You clutch your pearls in a panic as you call the repairwoman...
She arrives at the door. You love a woman in uniform, don't you, you secretly kinky suburban lady?
Suddenly, it's not just the sink that's wet.
The personal trainer and the client
"You better do 10 pull-ups, bitch!" the personal trainer yells, angry and frustrated at your lack of athletic prowess.
"But I can't!" you cry.
"I will show you a HARD workout..."
The casting director and the actor
You're an actor. And you're on your very first BIG casting of your short-lived Hollywood career. Maybe it's for that hot new Netflix show? Who knows? All you know is that it's MAJOR.
"You know if you really want to make it in this town, kid, you're going to have to PROVE just how committed you are," the casting director says, lighting up a cigar.
"Oh, I will do anything to get the part!" you say, batting your lashes.
The pizza delivery dude and the hungry host
"I'm here with pizza!" the pizza delivery dude announces, entering the room without even knocking.
"Oh, but I lost my wallet. How can I pay you for the PIZZA?!" you cry desperately.
"I know a few ways you can repay me...."
The MILF and the 18-year-old
Your best friend has always had the hottest mom in your tiny suburban town. One day, you get to find out how hot Momma actually is...
The masseuse and the client
I have two words: Happy. Ending.
I'll let you figure out the rest.
The girl prisoner and the girl prisoner
You're trapped in a prison together. One of you is sweet, sweet platinum Piper; the other is a dark, brooding, tatted-up Ruby Rose.
There is NO sex like forbidden prison sex. And hush, baby, the guard is coming. Don't. Want. To. Get. Caught.
The lesbian and the "straight" girl
OK, OK, so the last two are lesbian-specific, but what would you expect from your local lez? My brain just goes sapphic.
And sometimes I like to pretend that I'm a "straight girl" and that this is my first time in the gay game. Because the first time was so f*cking good, I guess I'm just dying to relive it in a fantasy, baby.