I’ve dated nice guys, I’ve been friends with nice guys, and I’ve objectively observed nice guys from the sideline while they sent "good morning" texts and bought flowers. It’s usually unfair to group men of any kind into a stereotype, but we can make that rule permissible for the sweethearts who experience an identical outcome to their time-consuming (and expensive, holy hell) courting and wooing -- they never get the girl.
They never even get close to getting the girl. Their text messages are left unread, their DMs are unopened, and the girl they just bought an expensive dinner for has seemingly passed onto the Great Beyond and ghosted them.
Meanwhile, bad boys are cannonballing in p*ssy and do absolutely nothing for it. No, literally… like they aren’t doing anything at all. They just sit there.
It has to be a blow to the ego when you really like someone, but every action you make in an attempt to have that feeling reciprocated pushes her away. It’s like “OK, I just did everything in my power to make her feel special and beautiful, and in return she sh*t on my whole life.”
Resenting women in general would seem like the next logical step in thinking, with abundant evidence supporting the hypothesis that women love assh*les more than nice guys. Right?
I’m going to betray all women for a second (many of whom love to pretend women think nice guys are just as sexy and desirable as bad boys -- ROFL, we do not) and try to get our perspective to make sense. After all, men and women have the same end goal -- we just prefer different deliveries.
Say you meet a girl and take her out to dinner. The next day, she texts you thanking you for such a great time, asks how your day is going, maybe sends over a thoughtful article on topic with the intelligent discussion you had over dessert. By the end of the week, she’s surprising you with nights in watching the game while she cooks. You would f*cking marry this girl and want to plant your seed in her.
OK, now picture another girl. This one could even be hotter than the last. She’s nice, funny and owns an impressive college degree. Her ass is huge. Throughout the date, she peppers you with questions like, “Would you say you’re an ambitious person? Where do you see yourself in five years? Is it with me? And our children?”
The next day, she’s mailed baby clothes to your apartment with your last name embroidered on tiny matching hats. She texts you thanking you for such a great night, and when you don’t answer after five minutes, she asks if you’re cheating on her. It doesn’t matter how hot and cool she is, you now want to scuba dive into the Pacific Ocean without an air tank.
Remember this feeling, because this is how women feel when you shower us with attention too early in the game.
I know this clingy psycho behavior is not what you’re doing specifically, but I have to exaggerate so that you get it. It doesn’t matter what kind of attention you’re giving us -- if it’s too much, you seem like a serial killer. Nice guys are Girl #2; guys who ignore us are Girl #1.
That stomach churning feeling I mentioned is how we feel when a nice guy invests too much too soon. What women find creepy and intrusive could seem sweet and innocent from the male perspective, and it is vital to understand the difference.
When you’ve spent less than a cumulative 48 hours with a girl (and this time could be spread out over three to five dates), you do not know her. I don’t care how great your conversation was, how in-depth you discussed each others' pasts and presents or how deeply you’ve stared into each others’ eyes.
You know only two things -- what she wants you to know, and whether you would put your dick in her.
Whether the combination of the two equals infatuation depends on you, but the simplest fact is that you are still technically strangers in the “Getting To Know Each Other” phase of dating.
When you are still in this 48-hour time period and you decide to text her compliments and affirmation of your interest every single day, ask her on dates every single weekend or offer to spend a ton of money on sh*t she doesn’t need, she doesn’t think, “Oh heavens, he is the Prince Charming I’ve always been searching for!”
No, she thinks, “He’s obsessed with me, and I can do whatever I want.”
She is not going to respect or value you.
Just like the girl sending monogrammed baby clothes, you have erased any sense of urgency from the potential relationship with your early investment. If anything, you’ve sent her backpedaling to placing you in the “option” category before she even knows you. Even though you just want her to like you, you are now considered overly available.
As women, we are fully aware that we have done nothing at this point to warrant your loyalty or admiration besides sit there and not be horrible.
We do not think “Yes, Lord! Finally, a man who sees me!”
We just assume you’re either lonely or horny. We also know we probably won’t have to put in any more effort to keep you around because clearly you’re devoting all of your available energy into us and only us.
So, you will, by default, either scare us off if we aren’t hunting for a relationship (and contrary to popular belief, many single Millennial women aren’t), or we’ll put you on the back burner while we continue to f*ck around, because we know you’ll be there.
It sounds f*cked up. I get that, but it’s actually a predictable concept.
I’ve gone on dates with guys who were perfect on paper -- sweet, intelligent, attentive…ugh, really just too attentive. They would attempt to monopolize my free time by asking to see me on every day off, which would potentially take away from time spent with my friends and family.
For my sanity I need time for girl-only nights, to work out, clean my apartment and, honestly, just spend some days alone to recharge and watch alien documentaries. When I have sh*t to do and a guy won’t stop bugging me I think, “Jesus, if he could just go away and ignore me for one week, I would actually like him.”
It isn’t fair to a woman to impose any amount of commitment on her immediately, whether that expectation is to text you constantly or spend all of her free time with you. She probably has stuff to do, and until she is your girlfriend, you should assume there are other guys on the table as well.
It also isn’t fair to YOU, boys, to invest all of your time and energy into someone who is not in a position to appreciate it. Don’t set yourself up for failure. If she isn’t receptive to your advances, it doesn’t mean she’s an ungrateful bitch. She probably just doesn’t want it.
Girls usually just like to have sex with bad boys because challenges become conquests, and conquests are fun. We rarely settle down with these guys. The one thing “bad boys” (ew, can we come up with a better name for them?) do right is they give us enough space to miss them.
Please, believe me when I say you do not have to turn into an obnoxious assh*le to make girls like you. There is only one thing you need to do to stop coming off as the needy nice guy: leave her alone.
It’s that simple. Leave her alone, stop blowing up her phone, stop asking what she’s doing every second of the day. If you have already been putting in strenuous amounts of effort to get her attention and receive radio silence in return, it’s not too late to back off. Stop trying to woo her, stop trying to create a fairy tale. I can’t say it enough times: Leave. Her. Alone.
All you have to do is relax and spend the majority of your time focusing on creating a fulfilling life for yourself that will attract other people by default. It’s a win-win situation because you will have you own self-created happiness to fall back on.
Plus, you won’t have to pretend to be busy and ignore a girl you like, which constitutes as playing games -- the most immature and counter-productive move you could make.
Hang out with your friends, volunteer, and get some work done. I don’t know, ride a bike or something. You should genuinely be busy with work or your other hobbies and obligations.
Then, when you are free, ask her on a nice date and take your time getting to know her. Treat her well. She will find you more attractive for having a well-rounded lifestyle, and the time you do spend together will not be taken for granted.
Live with the vibe that you are a fun, successful and well-liked person, and you will continue to be that person with or without a girlfriend. It’s OK to acknowledge that it would be nice to share your fulfilling life with someone else, but know your life will not lack substance in any way without a counterpart.
Women do not like guys who ignore them because we think they are disinterested or don’t care. We value men with busy and dynamic lives, and we love that when they are available, they CHOOSE to spend some of that free time with us. Or, they bring us along for the fun things they already have planned and share what keeps them feeling fulfilled. That is what makes us feel special.
Nice guys want to be nice -- I truly believe that. If you abstain from sabotaging a potential relationship with an overabundance of attention too soon, you can give her a chance to really digest what you have to offer and whether or not you would fit well together. So don’t f*ck it up.