Why I'm OK With Being The First To Fall In Love, As Told By A Man
Jhené Aiko once said “You give, but you cannot take, love." Though she was probably talking to Drake as she sang the hook on his song “From Time," those lyrics continue to strike a chord with me today.
If you've read any of my other articles, you may have gathered that I'm somewhat of a tortured soul with an extensive list of issues. I've been through hell and back when it comes to relationships and I've taken people through the same dilemma along that way.
In other words, I'm a mess. You're right.
However, I'm neither victim nor villain. I'm just a guy with all the right intentions who always gets all the wrong outcomes.
I probably would be a complete villainous douchebag if it weren't for the simple fact that I have a lot of love in my heart and a lot of love to give. The thing is, I'm just not sure I know how to have it reciprocated.
I love love. Perhaps more than I should and this may be the reason why I've often overexerted myself in the name of it. As a result, I've been left hurt, lost and bitter on more than one occasion due to giving a lot of love to someone who didn't share the same fervor.
Of course, there have been situations when a young lady cared for me with a zealous passion and I found a way to ruin it, leaving her just as broken. Hence the reason I'm slowly approaching 30 and insanely single.
I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't when it comes to this love thing. However, there's not too many things in this world better than it, if there's anything at all.
So, I'm going to choose love all day and tomorrow.
I've decided it's probably better for me to give it than to receive it. Of course, idealistically we'd want it reciprocated, but my world isn't an ideal one. I refuse to just completely shut down to the notion of it, that would be self-defeating.
We all should have a certain amount of emotional awareness. At this point, I think I have enough to know that it's easier for me to cope and deal if I'm the one doing the loving. I feel in control and I'm charitable.
It's much easier for me to do something for others with no expectation of anything in return.
I've come to realize it's other people's emotions that I'm not good at dealing with. There's too much pressure when you have someone else's emotions in the palm of your hand -- or heart -- and I'd much rather be spared that pressure.
OK, it sounds like a cop out, and maybe it is. But I just know what I'm capable of dealing with and what I'm not. I'd rather be the nice guy that you'll enjoy but that you won't take advantage of.
I also just can't see myself resorting to a life of anger and bitterness; I'd prefer to just keep on loving.
Does that mean I'm going to just love and adore any young lady that walks into my life? Am I going to let someone take advantage of me? Hell no. I have way too much pride and ego to do that. I'm definitely not a sucker.
Again, clamming up and swimming in a salty sea of negativity and disdain just isn't in the cards for me, but I'm not quite ready to be loved either.
I'd rather you not hate me if I crumble beneath it, I'm sorry. I don't feel in control and I don't wish to bear the brunt of any of your disdain.
It's not that I've given up on love, it's just that I want to be able to actually enjoy love.
So do us all a favor: Don't love me and let me love you, among other things.