They always say that nice guys finish last, but what about fake nice guys? You know the type. They're the ones who always SAY that they're nice -- but act the opposite.
They're the ones who think doing one nice thing lets them off the hook for being an assh*le. They get offended when you imply that they're anything but nice -- because that means you're beginning to figure them out.
Yeah, those guys. Those f*cking FAKE NICE GUYS. They're the guys I always date.
Time after time, I fall for the same type. They're the noncommittal guys who tell you that you're "different," though in reality you're not.
They're seemingly shy but overly confident. They've got style and swagger, but they're always a little insecure. They seem to have friends, but they're often alone. He seems nice, but he's not. He's fake nice.
Here's how to tell if the guy you're dating is a fake nice guy.
1. He gets pissed when you imply he's not nice.
You're picking up on clues that indicate he's not this sweet guy you once thought he was. You'll flirtily throw in a little “Wow, you're mean” or “You're being a d*ck," but he takes it too seriously. He doesn't get the joke and responds with “How am I being mean?” or “I'm not a dick!”
(This is gaslighting: He tears you down gradually -- insidiously -- and denies it when you point it out.)
All he hears is something he's heard before. You're evoking a defensive response in him for a reason. He is mean, and he is a dick. And this isn't something that's going to change.
2. He'll insult you in a 'nice' way.
Ah, the backhanded compliment. He sure has something to say about the places you like to go and the outfits you wear, but he won't shy away from joining you at those places and taking off those clothes.
“I love it when you wear black,” he says when you're wearing white.
“You're funny when you're angry," he tells you. But it's not funny. At all.
“You really like to wear flats, don't you?” he says (implying that you should wear heels).
Compliments are meant to make you feel good about yourself -- not second-guess yourself. This is NOT nice behavior.
3. He might be nicer to the bartender than he is to you.
It's hard to get this guy to have a good, deep conversation. But as soon as the bartender comes over, this guy is all kinds of chatty.
Sure, outsiders find this friendly. But you've been trying to pull conversation from this guy all night. The bartender sure loves him, but you're not quite sure if you do.
4. He'll move the relationship forward in the beginning to get to the good stuff.
This thing you have is just starting, and you're feeling good about it. You want to push it in the right direction, because you like this guy and want him to stick around.
You see each other a lot in the first couple of weeks, and it's hot. He wants to have sex all the time, and you're into that, but you want a date here and there as well.
It seems like he really likes you and wants to come around a lot -- that is, only when he has a sure shot at sex. He'll meet up with you (and maybe even your friends) to go out, but he's not trying to take you to dinner.
5. He doesn't call after you sleep together.
He leaves your place in the morning (after some good morning sex), and you think you'll hear from him later that day. Why wouldn't you? It's only polite, and this isn't a one-night stand. But you don't hear from him the next day or for days after.
He's keeping you where he wants you and thinks that's totally fine. He's busy; you're busy. But, no one is too busy to text the next day. A real nice guy would text.
6. He gets upset when he doesn't get exactly what he wants.
When he's out and about, you're supposed to be too. When he's ready to hang, you're supposed to be ready to hang. When you're not willing to do what he wants to, it's your fault.
Fake nice guys can always manipulate the situation. Nothing is ever their fault and blame is easily pushed off of them on to you. It's YOUR fault you didn't see him last night because YOU weren't on his level.
7. He likes to talk but doesn't like to listen.
You're talking and sharing things about you, then somehow it always ends back on him. You listen because you're nice, but you wonder how the conversation just shifted from being about your life to his without a real segue. The conversation is flowing, but it's totally imbalanced.
But then he'll remember something you said once, and it makes you wonder how well he really was listening. Why wasn't he interested the first time I said it?
8. He flirts with other girls when he thinks you're not paying attention.
This behavior is partly why you went out with him in the first place. He's fun in a group. He's a flirt. But when you're in a relationship, you're not amused when he pays more attention to your friends and dismisses the fact that you're supposed to be there together.
But when you go home, he'll do something unexpectedly gentle, like put your head lovingly in his lap. And this throws you off. You're still slightly annoyed for him because of how he was behaving earlier, but this gesture is supposed to get him off the hook. And it does.
9. He always felt a little 'off' to you, and now you know why.
You knew it. You knew this guy wasn't the 'nice guy' you wanted him to be. You saw the signs that he wasn't ready for a relationship or didn't want anything serious with you.
You knew that his asshole status overrode the times he was being so sweet. You knew you were making excuses for a fake nice guy, and now you know better next time.
It's so easy to blame yourself for falling for this kid. But you have to simply look out for the warning signs in the future. Ladies, take it from me: Steer clear of the fake nice guys. Let's make THEM finish last.