Finding that special someone on Tinder is like looking for love at a party in your freshman year of college. You have to put up with raging hormones, unstable personalities and more bullsh*t than you find at a presidential debate. And you do all this just to find someone normal.
Plenty of people on Tinder aren't who they seem. Though I'm sure women have strategies for impressing men on Tinder, I'm a straight guy who doesn't know too much about that.
I can, on the other hand, offer some advice for anyone out there who's looking for a decent male prospect on Tinder. I hope you find him, but if he is like any of the following guys on Tinder, save yourself the disappointment.
1. He lists his occupation as "entrepreneur."
Rule of thumb: If a guy can't specify the name of the company he started or his official role within it, he's not a real entrepreneur. He's just an unemployed dude who watched “The Social Network” once and completely misunderstood the message.
That, or a drug dealer. Either way, his “office” is his parents' basement.
2. He lists an insanely vague occupation instead of a real job.
“Thinker.” “Visionary.” “Prophet.”
Listen, dude, I know the economy is rough. Plenty of us have been angry about the fact that our four years studying French lit landed us a barista job. No one -- except for a few relatives every Thanksgiving -- is judging you. You'll get there.
In the meantime, you're not the next Plato. You don't impress anyone when you claim to be a great intellectual. You just give off the impression that you're too in love with your own thoughts to be interesting to anyone else.
3. He says he's a "nice guy."
No worries. There are plenty of genuinely nice men out there in the world. Generally, though, the ones who feel the need to point it out on their online dating profiles are still bitter about the fact that the head cheerleader wouldn't go to prom with them five years ago.
4. He has a shirtless selfie.
This one's kind of a cliché, but FOR A REASON.
A guy who includes a candid shirtless shot in his pictures is probably OK. If he's proud of his physique and has a pic from his last beach vacation, he's got every right to show it off. A flattering picture is a flattering picture.
That's not the guy I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the dude who uses a picture he took of himself in the mirror, flexing his muscles, sporting the kind of faux-macho expression that shouldn't be found outside of pro wrestling and action movies.
In fact, if you look closely, you'll probably spot an oversized carton of protein powder with a ridiculous name like “MONSTER SMASH TRIPLE X!!!” positioned in the far corner of the frame.
Insecurity's a hell of a drug. Speaking of which…
5. He's incapable of smiling.
Are his pictures an endless series of mildly angry sneers? Pensive quasi-frowns? The vaguely annoyed look hip teenagers make when their parents crack a joke?
He's either uncomfortable with his masculinity, trying way too hard to show off his sensitive side or suffering from a chronic, unearned sense of superiority.
A date with him will be about as much fun as a trip to the orthodontist.
6. He put in no effort.
Some men are trying way too hard to impress you on Tinder. Others go in the opposite direction. Their pics consist of one or two grainy webcam photos in which they're staring directly into the camera, wearing their least flattering “I'm about to go to sleep” shirt, looking more dead behind the eyes than Chris Christie at a Trump rally.
Their bio is no better, offering only the most basic of details: Height, age, race and some random quote about life/love/courage.
Come on, dude. Put a little work into this.
7. He mentions being "alpha."
This guy will disappoint you in bed.
(And in all other areas.)
8. He flaunts his wealth excessively.
There's a fine line between tastefully sharing your success and posting the kind of images that look like stills from an amateur rapper's music video.
If a guy gives off the vibe that he has a big bank account and good taste, there's nothing wrong with that. If he's trying to convince you that he parties like a rock star and throws away cash like it's Monopoly money, he's probably just someone who isn't responsible with his finances.
9. He complains that no one respects chivalry anymore.
He thinks that the right combination of “gentlemanly” behaviors should unlock your legs. He'll pay for your meal, open the door for you and generally treat you like a princess.
Until you don't have sex with him, that is. That'll make him angry. You won't like him when he's angry.
10. He can't stop bragging.
Reading his bio is like reading a cover letter for the position of "massive douchebag." Without managing to list a single, actual accomplishment, he still describes himself as the kind of guy you're not supposed to feel worthy of.
Translation: He read a few pickup artist manifestos and is convinced that selling himself as a "prize" is the best way to earn him a new sexual partner each night.
Avoid at all costs.