I'm The Guy Every Girl Wants, But Won't Date

Most of the time, I know exactly why I'm single.

On the one hand, I know I might not be the easiest dude to deal with. I typically try not to hold that against any of the eligible bachelorettes who might have cut me off in the past -- frankly, I probably would've done the same.

But on the other hand, there are times when I can't help but feel like single women everywhere are missing out on a good thing (I'm referring to myself, here).

I mean, sure, I may have some quirks -- but if quirks are so damn terrible, explain to me how Woody Allen found a way to get married!

[Wait, what? He married his stepdaughter?]

All right, bad example, but you saw where I was going with that one.

Nevertheless, quirks aside, if a woman were to make an arbitrary list of things she actively looks for in a guy, I think I'd meet those criteria with flying colors.

When it comes to women, I'm a student of the game. I observe their demands, and try to produce an adequate amount of supply over here, on my end.

Is my execution inadequate from time to time? It might be. I'm human, we're a flawed species. Having said that, my head's in the right place (one of them, at any rate) and I'm always eager to go the extra mile for the woman I'm together with.

Ultimately, all a woman has to do is tell me what she wants -- and I'll try and make it happen.

Like I said before, all the single ladies (cue Beyoncé voice) out there, I think you've been missing out.

Yet, I'm still about as single as the last slice of pizza in a room full of overly-polite people, so maybe I'm the one missing something. Oy vey.

Here are 20 things I know women want out of a guy, and how I still manage to f*ck them up.

She said she wants a guy who spoils her…

Yet when I tried picking up the tab at dinner, she told me she’s an “independent f*cking woman” and that I was “perpetuating the patriarchy.”

She said she wants a guy who texts her in the morning…

But, come to think of it, maybe that double-text at 5:50 was a bit aggressive.

She said she wanted an emotional guy…

But when I cried at the end of "Hitch," I guess that crossed the line.

She said she wanted a guy who’s 100 percent truthful…

But when I recommended wearing something a little more slimming, she made me leave her apartment real quick (cue Drake voice).

She said she wanted a guy who wasn’t like her ex…

But then she cheated on me with her ex.

She said she wanted a guy who cooks for her…

But I guess schmearing cream cheese on bagels didn’t meet the standards of her sophisticated palate.

She said she wanted a guy her mom likes…

But when she caught me on the phone discussing Thanksgiving recipes for four hours with her, she wasn't all that impressed.

She said she doesn’t want a guy who’s shady…

But when I show her the text messages I’m sending to other girls, she doesn't really like that.

She said she doesn’t want a guy who’s jealous…

But when she’s flirting with six guys at the bar and I’m not bothered by it, she gets bothered.

She said she wants a guy who dresses well…

But when I go through her closet and wear her Burberry scarves, she f*cking hemorrhages.

She said she wants a guy who’s smart…

But when I correct her in front of her friends, she gets angry.

She says she wants a guy who’s spontaneous…

But when I cancel plans 15 minutes before I’m supposed to pick her up, she gets tight.

She says she wants a guy who’s fiscally responsible…

But when I point to the McD’s dollar menu, and tell her “it could all be yours” (like Mufasa showing Simba his kingdom), it is simply unacceptable.

She says she doesn’t want to be treated like every other girl…

But when I hide her from my group of friends, she tells me that’s not a “normal” thing to do to your girlfriend.

She said she wants to move in together…

But after I asked her when the best time was to bring my sh*t over, she immediately diverged from her previous stance.

She said she wanted to experiment more, sexually...

But when I suggested locking her in the basement, as a sex slave of sorts, it's me who's the crazy one.

She said she wasn't into material things…

But when I sold her Birkin on Craigslist to pay off my gambling debt, suddenly she’s not Little Miss Gandhi anymore.

She said she wanted a guy who's clean...

But when I asked her to please brush her teeth before kissing me in the morning, I'm an assh*le.

She said she wanted a risk taker...

But I guess unprotected sex ain't enough of a risk in her mind.

She said she wanted a guy who loves to travel...

But she probably should have specified the part where she comes along too.