Why am I single? I think the more operative question is: "Why wouldn't I be single?" I'm fairly neurotic. Stubborn. I'm pretty close-minded when it comes to deciding which type of music to play. Shall I continue?
Thought so. Anyways, I'm not saying any of this because I have a poor self-esteem. In fact, I'm quite comfortable with who I am –which, yeah, might be equally as troubling.
Still, the fact of the matter is–while I might have some quirks–I'm also a realist. I'm very self-aware. If I've been single for the past few years, without anything even coming close to a girlfriend, I'm not going to just sit here and blame the 3.5 billion women out there.
Like, c'mon, Dan. Clearly it's you.
Over time, I've just come to terms with it. I'll just make mental notes throughout the day, like, "yep, that's why I'm single," and push it along. It's not a bad thing, it's just more of a true thing – and, as we all know – honesty is the best policy.
So, honestly, here are the 15 reasons why I'm single:
1. I waved back at a woman hailing a cab this morning.
Yeah, this actually happened and you’re asking why I’m single? I start schvitzing as soon as I think about approaching an unfamiliar woman at the bar.
Yet, from the other f*cking side of 5th Ave – on a Wednesday morning – I have no issue beckoning women decades older than myself, without the bat of an eyelash. You’re not still asking why I’m single, are you?
2. I'm too poor for that sh*t.
I’m also too poor to date. I mean, if she’s down to do what I do – and walk up Park Ave for lunch, accumulating free samples from 25th to 40th street – sure, I’ll date her.
But if she’s expecting to dine out, yeah, that’s why I’m single.
3. I’m a selfish sleeper.
I could put myself to sleep on the floor, BESIDE the bed, trust me – it doesn’t matter.
I’ll still wake up in the direct center of the mattress, with all the pillows wedged between my legs, and the entire set of bedding swaddled around me like a duvet cocoon.
4. It’s a wrap once she finds my Twitter.
I love trolling people – especially on Twitter. I’ll tweet obscure rap lyrics as if they’re my own thoughts. I speak in my own sect of slang. While I, personally, find this type of sh*t amusing – I'd doubt she would.
Especially when she sees my name is "Scotti Disick" on Twitter, after meeting me at the bar, followed up by a nice chain of seductive tweets @AmandaBynes.
5. Because I think saying “relax” in an argument solves every problem.
Which it doesn’t – it typically just turns plain, good old-fashioned arguments into episodes from "Maury." And I don’t know why. Like, my ex-girlfriend (accent on the “ex”) threw a sh*t fit one time because I hailed a cab after dinner, and she wanted to add points toward her next “Uber reward.”
Now, if “relax” wasn’t the operative word, I’m simply not sure what was. Needless to say, I hopped in the cab unaccompanied.
6. If my team loses, I’m generally hostile the remainder of the day.
How can you expect me to focus on finding a girlfriend when Stan Wawrinka, the f*cking 4th best tennis player in the world, can’t find a way to beat someone ranked outside of the top 150!? Seriously, though, I can't even focus at work.
That's why I'm betting obscure tennis tournaments in Paris at 7 am. Then I’m just strapped for cash AND simply not that down for any other human life for at least the rest of the day. I'm not exactly looking to buy any girls dranks (cue T-Pain voice WITH autotune).
7. I make ghastly first impressions.
When I walk up to a girl with my hair spiked, and tell her I'm from Long Island, do you think it takes long before I’m generalized as an assh*le and/or a guido? Because it doesn't. In fact, it’s pretty instantaneous.
8. I can’t text adequately when high.
Once I hit the fronto, my texting abilities go out the front do’. I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand because I do want to reply to your texts, I just physically cannot at the moment.
The issue is – whenever I have a girlfriend, and this sh*t happens – she always thinks I’m cheating on her. Meanwhile, the phone is just in between the cushions of my couch and, frankly, I’m not not happy about it.
9. I’m lactose intolerant.
If you ask a girl out for a drink, solo, she’ll automatically think you’re trying to bed her – which you might be. So, over time mankind instinctively found a loophole in that premise, otherwise known as the “ice cream date.”
Everyone knows “ice cream dates” are the hemp leaves of the dating world. They’re gateway dates. You ask a girl out for ice cream, as “friends” and next thing you know you’re both deciding whether your kids are going to public or private schools.
As you can see – being lactose intolerant – I’m at a huge disadvantage, right from the get-go.
10. It's clearly something about my looks/overall appearance.
I'm not sure what it is exactly. But it's gotta be something.
11. I f*cking do cardio at the gym.
When you’re competing against dudes who like – I don’t know – bench press or some sh*t, tell me what girl at the club is gonna be enthralled when I tell her, “Yeah, I go the gym a lot – to run and shave in the steamroom.”
12. I’m so annoying during arguments.
I’m so annoying during arguments. Whenever conflict arises, I immediately retract into my shell, and my shell resembles a 13-year-old George Costanza.
And to make matters worse, I have this habit of smiling and winking whenever I speak, which – during the heat of an argument – is extremely aggravating and mildly confusing.
13. I cried during the in-class showing of f*cking "RADIO" as a freshman in high school.
I mean, technically I teared up, but it really doesn't make matters much better. GIRLS LOVE EMOTIONAL GUYS, HEH? YEAH? DO THEY?
THAT'S BULLSH*T. I got a little farklempt in the midst of Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s should've-been-award-winning portrayal of a developmentally-challenged man, and suddenly, I'm the laughing stock of the high school. Personally, I think if you DIDN'T cry after seeing the movie "Radio," you don't have a soul.
But, as it turns out, if you DID cry after seeing the movie "Radio," you definitely don't have a girlfriend right now.
14. I’m too f*cking lazy.
It’s far from malicious. Just stop and think about having a girlfriend, though. You need to be ON CALL at all hours of the day, in case your girl needs you. Headache? You’re gonna have to run over with Advil.
Bad day at work? You’re going to have to sit through mad Vince Vaughn movies with her. It’s just a lot of work, that’s all.
I keep a f*cking jar of peanut butter in my bedroom because I'm too lazy to walk to the kitchen throughout the day; do you REALLY think I'm gonna be down for brunch on a Sunday??
15. I’ve already been banned on OpenTable for flaking on too many reservations.
Since I haven’t showed up to the last six reservations I’ve made on OpenTable, they’ve actually gone ahead and banned my e-mail. Yeah, not making this sh*t up. As a matter of fact, it’s too pathetic to even make up.
All gucci, though, I just used my college email address and set up a second account. Thankfully, I think I have one more flake before that one gets nullified too. So, who wants to go out to dinner with the boy?!
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It