Fact: A man who can grow a beard is f*cking hot. I didn't make that up. It's a fact of nature. Everyone knows this.
I'm talking about real ass full beard, by the way. Not some pubey, bullsh*t beard. If your beard is patchy, this is not for you. I'm sorry, but no one is fooled. I feel like so many men grow “beards” because they think women want them to grow beards. We do want you to grow a beard. You're right. But only if you CAN grow a beard.
For all you pube-tastic beards out there, you do not have the genetic gift, so just move on. It's fine.
Anyway, mean with beards are hotter than everyone else (sorry, guys). Have you never gone beard, my lady friend? Well, you just wait because the minute you do, you ARE NEVER GOING BACK.
Let Auntie Gigi take you down a little road of self-discovery, chickens.
1. Anything short of beard rash feels like a waste of time.
When you make out with a man with a beard, you will sometimes get a beard rash. What the f*ck else did you think was going to happen when your soft, dainty-ass girl skin touches his rough face tresses?
It's annoying at first because your skin gets irritated and no one wants that, but as any girl with a lusty affection for bearded men will tell you, it starts to become a non-negotiable necessity. Kissing someone with a beard feels gross. It's like kissing a baby. Sick.
2. He looks good in literally everything.
A beard is seriously the ultimate accessory. He looks hot AF in jeans and a T-shirt (bonus if he has guns too. I'm literally getting wet picturing this), and he looks DELICIOUS in a suit.
Bearded guys, man. They are some GEMS. A guy with a smooth face needs to dress UP to look sexy. A man with a beard can walk around in sweats and still be totally f*ckable. UGH. I die.
3. The jealous looks you get from other women are empowering.
If you have a hot piece of bearded man candy on your arm, you can bet your ass other girls are going to be jealous. And the jealous looks won't be awkward at all. They will be empowering. Because the sexiest piece of meat (who is also a lovely person and sh*t) is with YOU.
There is something super intriguing about a female who totes around a guy with a beard. She is no girl. She is ALL woman. She is no-nonsense and has no time for f*ckboy tomfoolery. NO THANK YOU, SIR.
4. He definitely has a big dick.
If he can grow a full beard, he has a big dick. This might be a generalization, but I would be SHOCKED if you hooked up with a bearded Adonis, only to find he wasn't well-endowed.
It has never, ever happened in my experience. To grow a beard like that, he has to be pumping mad testosterone. Plus, a beard just isn't something men use to compensate for a small dick like one might use a Rolex or a sports car. If he's packing on his face, he's packing down below.
Once you get that big D, you aren't going to settle for anything sub-par, ya feels?
5. Your mom does not like his beard.
My mom HATES my boyfriend's beard. She asked him if he'd shave it for her as her Christmas present. I don't know why, but her hatred of his facial hair is disturbingly satisfying for me.
It's like the ultimate jab at parental control, you know? He's a beautiful man inside and out, but I still get to have that “Mom and Dad don't approve” vibe that made the bad boys in high school so appealing. I know it's sick, but f*ck it.
6. He's the best alarm clock.
Look, don't even knock it until you try it. Forget needing an alarm clock when you have a tasty man with a beard to wake you up with scratchy tenderness in the morning. Being gently needled from your slumber by a beard between your shoulder blades is a game changer.
HE'S SO F*CKING CUTE AND SEXY. You're just not going to be down for anything else once you get that sh*t in your life.
7. If he can grow a strong beard, he probably has strong sperm.
In ancient times, beards were seen as a sign of a man's virility ... meaning he can impregnate the SH*T out of you. Be still, my lady loins!
If he has a beard, he is going to produce strong offspring. We females want to get all up on that sh*t because of biology. We are genetically inclined to pursue a mate who we think will be a good father for our wee babies. If a guy has got a beard, your ovaries are already gearing up to pounce.
Fun story: The other night, I wrapped my legs around bae in a moment of NOT SEX and screamed, “MY BODY WANTS YOUR SPERM! GIVE ME BABIES!” I was obvs just joking, but like, was I?
8. Other guys do not mess with him.
Bae is not a big guy. He's average height and build. But that beard puts him heads above the rest. And I'm no damsel in distress, but I don't mind having a boyfriend that other dudes don't EVER mess with.
Something about the ability to grow a beard both intimidates other men and causes them to look up to another man. It's pretty dope. That man is recognized as an alpha among other guys. He garners respect.
No hairless guy is ever going to invite that kind of response from the other f*ckboys around town.
9. He's just SO F*CKING MANLY.
I know this one is a given, but it needs to be said. He looks like he can chop down half a forest with a thundering axe and then build you a house with his bear hands…only to passionately ravage your body on a beard skin rug (a bear he probably also killed with his bear hands).
OK, maybe this is just a wild fantasy a la your Auntie Gigi (and housewives everywhere), but tell me it didn't get your juices flowing. Put your man in a flannel shirt and I guarantee any beardless, boy wonder is not going to measure up. YUM.
Once you've gone beard, every other dude seems shrimpy in comparison.