The first time I ever had my heart cracked open by a woman, I was an acne-ridden, 110-pound, 16-year-old closeted lez.
Yeah, I was just a scrawny, scrappy, teen girl creature, who incessantly wore strategically ripped black denim skinny jeans and velvet chokers, thinking she might actually DIE from her broken heart. (PSA: You can't physically die from feelings, just running from them.)
I remember feeling like I was nothing but a raw, open wound aimlessly sifting through the dirty school halls. Anything could get into and infect me.
The lightest flick of cigarette ash felt like a knife in the gut. No one ever taught me how to deal with heartbreak, so I numbed the pain the only way a New York teen knows how: with our sweet babe, Mary Jane. I smoked myself into oblivion for a year, until I realized I hated pot and spent the next year feeling a year's worth of repressed feelings. It was a blast!
Since my first high school heartbreak, I've suffered through about three more epic punch-in-the-gut breakups. And after packing up my shit and starting over that many times, what I've learned in this: It doesn't matter if you get dumped suddenly, find out your partner is cheating on you with the pool boy, break up with your partner because she's wildly toxic, but you still love her madly, get left for someone of the same sex, get left for someone of the opposite sex, cut ties because one of you is immigrating to Australia for a dream job or mutually break up because you're in a sexless, loveless relationship with no meaning. It's always going to hurt like a bitch.
I mean, just the sudden loss of intimacy alone is enough to send you and your broken heart spiraling into a seemingly endless vortex of darkness, booze and bad dreams.
One night, you're brushing you're teeth next to bae, and the next, you're brushing your teeth by yourself because you're alone now, girl. No amount Xanax-induced sleep will erase those heavy bags under your eyes either, honey. I've even resorted to putting straight-up caffeine under my heartbroken eyeballs.
Let me tell you, no beauty remedy can remove dark circles from heartbreak.
You just have to accept you're just going to look like a weathered version of yourself for a little bit. And I think it's your goddamn birthright to fly off the handle for the next few months.
Go a little crazy. Let your freak flag fly. Deal with the pain in questionable ways. As long as you deal with it, you're golden in my sinful eyes.
So, sweet kittens, I decided to come up with a trusty guide to help all of my currently heartbroken entities deal with heartbreak. Look, we all should probably climb a mountain, go on a juice cleanse and do some kundalini yoga like the perfect health princesses (the kind who Instagram their kale salads) recommend.
But I say screw them, and screw that. You clicked on MY article, which means we're ~connected~ now. You're playing on my team, and baby, we're a fearless team without rules. We're not basic, so we're not going to deal with our heartbreak in basic ways, OK?
So, take a deep breath, sister. Light up a ciggy. Smoke a joint. Have a goddamn cocktail. (You SO deserve it.) We're going to venture deep within ourselves and ~indulge~ a bit.
So, here it is: These are the ways you should deal with heartbreak according to your ~zodiac~ sign. Because we all know, no matter how much we try to resist the fucking stars, they're powerful and irritatingly accurate.
Aries (March 21 to April 19): Take a crazy, wild, adventurous trip ALONE.
You, my Aries, are one wild, independent woman of the world. In fact, you're probably single because you impulsively left the love of your life for a distracting fling with some little floozy from down the block. This is why you need to a little alone time. You need to recenter and regroup.
Except, five-star spas just aren't your thing, are they now?
You need to go on an adventure to remind yourself of who you really are underneath it all: a wild, fierce girl creature. Trek out into the wilderness alone, go whitewater rafting, dust off your passport and spark up your tired heart once again. Within weeks, you'll be sleeping in a gorgeous treehouse basking in your newfound independence.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Treat yourself to some lush designer clothes.
I'm a Taurus woman, and let me tell YOU, my fellow bull-headed babes, we suffer super deeply from the epic devastation of heartbreak. When we love, we're convinced it's ~forever~ and ~ever~, no matter how many times we've been burned. And it's a very specific kind of pain when we realize, honey, it's not forever. Ship is going down, and we're alone.
But you know what helps us heal out of any situation? A new designer wardrobe, baby! We're fabulously materialistic creatures with a magnetic draw toward the finer, more chic things in life.
So, girls and boys, it's time to whip out the ol' credit card, strut over to your local Saks Fifth Avenue and buy yourself some luscious clothes cut from the finest fucking fabrics.
When that raw silk touches your raw skin, the ~healing~ will begin.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Get a drastic haircut.
It's no secret my super complex, steaming and sexy Gemini that you crave epic change. It's also no secret that you're wildly superficial and love looking hotter than the crux of hell. I'm convinced I must have a bit of the ol' Gemini lingering within my stale bones because I'm cut the same way.
So, to my spirit zodiac sisters, it's time you got a drastic haircut. Cut away the bad memories, and take a chic risk. Get that asymmetrical bob, dye your lush locks pastel pink, peach or even lavender or maybe even pull a Halsey and cut it all off.
We all know Geminis have a very sexual prowess about them, so you can totally cut that hair off and pull it off with your intense gaze and hyper-sexual pout.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): See a therapist and do some deep emotional work.
Cancers are incredibly emotional creatures. (I've dated two of you, and you're incredible beings, but damn, those still waters run deep as hell, honey).
And I'll tell you something else: Your kind doesn't trust easily. For you, a breakup feels like you've had your trust ripped out of your guts, and it's getting ran over by a massive truck on a country road in the dirty, dirty South.
But you know what works for you, you wonderfully complicated, highly sensitive babe?
Some good ol' fashioned TALK therapy. You're so vulnerable right now, and it's the perfect time to see a professional and dig deep inside yourself. Break it down! Talk it out! Cry about it!
Nothing makes a Cancer feel better than, well, ~feeling~ it out. Just don't do what I did, and ghost your therapist.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): Find a temporary lover who worships you.
Leos are the self-proclaimed kings of the zodiac kingdom. You're a gorgeous, regal lioness, and you like to be worshipped. And you know what? You belong on that shiny, gold pedestal, sugar. You're one of the most powerful signs of the zodiac, AFTER ALL.
And yeah, now you've been dumped. Hell hath no fury like a power babe left scratching in the dust, nursing a broken heart. I mean, you're invincible! And it's time to reclaim your stolen power. No one puts Baby in the corner.
You need to find a temporary lover, preferably one a few years younger who will worship the very ground you walk on, tells you how amazingly gorgeous you are and reminds you that yes, you're the most incredible human being to ever grace the surface of the Earth.
The lover will be temporary because at the end of the day, you need someone who challenges you. But while you're in this rare, vulnerable state, you need a submissive kitten who wants to learn from the power lioness.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Become engulfed by a stimulating creative project.
OK, Virgo, your heart is broken, and it's really hard. I get it.
Over any other sign in the zodiac, your perception is your actual reality. So, you need to make that PERCEPTION pretty damn positive, you hear? Because then, your reality will be positive. Am I making sense? Good.
However, we all know you need to be ~stimulated~ and ~organized~ and that you're really into things being YOUR WAY. So, now is the time to pour your broken heart and your wild influx of scary out-of-control feelings into a controlled project.
Don't pour it into a business because your business brain won't allow your creativity to soar. And your creativity needs to soar, babe. Creativity will get you out of your head and tap you into your heart, and that's what you need right now, OK?
So, paint a masterpiece, make a goddamn collage, dance it out, whatever. Dream it and create it. HEAL.
Libra (September 23 to October 22): Get a puppy.
Libras have a deep, impenetrable LOVE for love itself. You pour every fiber of your being into your partner, and you've become totally and completely wasted off the drug of love. You fall hard, and you fall fast. And OUCH, you're tasting the pavement right now.
Now listen, I know all you want to do right about now is bounce to another luscious lover. You're known from bouncing from "soulmate" to "soulmate," and that's just not good for you, babes. You'll be stuck in a series of rebounds, and that's no life for someone as brilliant and pretty as you.
However, where do you pour all that love when you have no lover? Well, you put it into a PET, duh! Go to your local shelter and adopt a really cute, unwanted rascal that you can snuggle through long, lonely nights.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Fuck the pain away.
We all know you, my easily bored Scorpio, are the most sexually charged sign in the great expanse of the zodiac. I mean, your erogenous zone is your genitalia! You're a fantastic, dominating sex partner to boot. You don't get dumped often because sexual tops rarely get dumped.
But you know what? You did this time. And you need a visceral outlet for all the pain and all the angst. Let's not kid ourselves here. We all know what your emotional outlet needs to be: fucking. Fuck until you don't feel. That's right, I'm giving you reckless advice, but that's only because I'm a Scorpio rising and know what we really need.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): Party until the BREAK OF DAWN.
Sagittarius, you're a spunky, spicy, hilarious party animal. Some girls thrive in the bookstore, while others thrive in the sparkling glitter of the nightclub. You thrive in nightlife, clad in a shiny skirt and mega heels.
The singer Sia says "party girls can't get hurt," and I say it's because they're already hurt. You want to distract yourself in the shimmering spotlight of a downtown dance floor when you're hurt. And that's not bad. You're a disco queen, and you just need to get back in your strobe-lit element for awhile.
However, when the party gets old, message me on Facebook for therapist recommendations.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Mentor a troubled teen.
Capricorn, you're so fabulous and so organized and so wonderful, and I just admire you so damn much. Why the hell would anyone ever break up with a Capricorn? You're the kind of creature who makes sure hot messes like me get to the airport on time.
You need to take that Type A, organized energy that's so displaced now that you're single and channel it into a someone new. But DON'T channel it into a lover. You're too vulnerable for a lover.
What you need to do is find a troubled teen, and mentor the hell out of him or her. You will have a newfound sense of purpose in this bleak world.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Star in a one-woman show.
Aquarians are STARS. You're true independents, not pseudo-independents like the rest of us. And you're really hurting because you're so independent that you don't EVER let yourself get ATTACHED.
But, you did. And now it's gone, and it feels like being cut open slowly with a dull knife, right? Don't panic. We need to get you back where you belong: the spotlight. You're one of the most creative, articulate members in the great expanse of the zodiac, and it's time to make you a STAR, my water baby.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Watch sad movies and CRY IT OUT FOR A MONTH (with a cuddle buddy from Craigslist).
Aw, Pisces. You're so succinctly sweet and vulnerable. You're beautiful, but oh so easily broken. I get it; I'm wired the same way. And when we sensitive creatures are heartbroken, we must feel it out. Drinking or drugging only makes it worse.
So, put on those comfortable, pink and white-striped PJs, get in front of the television and watch a SAD movie so you can cry the pain away (preferably a dark movie that will really help you purge).
Oh, and hop on the ol' Craigslist and find yourself a (safe) cuddle buddy. That way, you will have someone to clutch while you cry the next several months away. I know it sounds depressing, but it's actually more effective than a juice cleanse. You will remerge strong, purged and ready to hop back into the ~love~ game.