Party girls aren't real adults. We are wonderfully impulsive, gorgeously WILD, beautiful and madly sexy girl-creatures who live in the glorious f*cking moment. We are many things. But "grownups," we are not.
We don't live in reality; we live in pretty, glitter-adorned bubbles. We drink champagne like it's water and wear fishnet stockings to the office.
We are content residing in an endless fantasy. Until we are disrupted by the cool, cunning touch of love.
So what happens when the quintessential party girl finds herself falling for a living, breathing grown-up? A bonafide adult? A real person?
Two worlds that rarely meet are suddenly staring each other dead in the eye. It's a fascinating-yet-terrifying experience that unexpectedly holds a mirror up to our reckless lives. As chronic avoiders, we're just not used to seeing things as they are.
The sudden presence of a real adult in our worlds puts a tiny pinprick in the shiny pink balloon we call home.
Suddenly, reality crystallizes into our frame of vision. It stops us in our tracks, forces us to exhale and look at our lives through a different lens.
We try to seamlessly fit into our grown-up lovers’ strict adult routines, stifling our party girl impulses in order to be cohesive to their more "responsible" lives... all while doing everything in our power to shield them from our questionable lifestyle.
Somedays we pull it off, and somedays we f*cking don't. Regardless, there are very specific insecure thoughts and feelings that manifest in the brain of every party girl when she starts dating "real adults."
1. You start to realize everything in your wardrobe just might be a tad slutty.
You've always loved your clothes -- but never realized that everything you own might be considered NSFW by normal grown-up standards (thank god I work at Elite Daily).
As you sort through your closet, you come to the realization that what you thought was a perfectly appropriate shirt is actually a midriff-grazing crop top (oops).
You are suddenly hyper-aware that everything you own is either a mini-dress, cut-off shorts, a cut-out dress, dangerously low-cut, ripped, stained or cropped.
2.When you do try to dress like a grownup, it's so calculated that it looks almost looks fetish.
Whenever you feel brave wearing a blazer, you look more like a naughty school girl who got kicked out of boarding school than you do a real grown-up.
Maybe it's because you went so over the top with trying to look like an adult that it looks like a costume? Or maybe it's because you paired your prim collared shirt with blazingly sexual dark red lipstick and torn tights?
One can't be quite so sure.
3. You get weird looks after ordering a vodka-spiked Shirley Temple.
I mean, who drinks wine anyway?
4. You won't accept their Facebook friend requests until you've de-tagged the f*ck out of everything.
If only they knew the real reason you won't accept their friend request. It's because your pictures make it look like you’re perpetually buzzed in faux fur, constantly clutching a half-smoked cigarette (which may or may not be true).
5. You find yourself Googling things like "What is a 401k?"
The saddest part is that even after dutifully looking it up, you still can't quite figure out what the f*ck it is.
6. You become aware that you exist solely on protein bars and sugar-free Red Bulls.
You never realized how weird your eating habits are until a real grown-up who shops at Whole Foods, and cooks and eats organic comes bursting in your life.
Your idea of a fully realized meal is a protein bar and two sugar-free Red Bulls. Suddenly, you are shackled with the fear that you're really unhealthy -- I mean, how are you even alive?
7. You fear introducing them to your friends.
Nothing strikes the fear of God into a party girl like the following question from her adult lover: "When do I get to meet your friends?"
8. You fear you're not even a real person.
Real people have 401ks, and you STILL haven’t figured out what that is.
9. They are freaked out about how relaxed you are about losing your credit card.
Isn't that why the temporary instant debit card was created?
10. You have to make a big show of pretending to be excited about a night in.
Oh yes, you just ADORE a lovely cozy evening in on a Saturday night.
11. You find yourself masking your perpetual hangovers as "coming down with the flu."
Yeah f*cking right. Party girls don't get sick.
12. You're terrified of what text might pop up on your phone when they're sitting next to you.
The absolutely insane texts you get on a regular basis from your friends don't always reflect so kindly on you.
Real life example: "Happy Sunday, I just took mushrooms! Come over!"
13. You pretend "you never do this" when it comes to kinky, salacious banging.
You're a little too comfortable in those handcuffs.
14. You start to become aware of how much glitter eye shadow you own.
You can hardly pay your rent on time; you live in dire fear of the credit card decline, yet you have more sparkly eye shadow than David Bowie did in his prime.
In fact, you're so in love with your sparkly eye shadow that you are also starting to realize you don't ever really take it off... adults wash their eye makeup off before bed, and you, party girl, just keep adding to it.
15. You avoid very specific neighborhoods, bars and restaurants like the black plague.
You've either burned a bridge with a bartender, know too many questionable characters or have kissed too many of the people you will surely encounter (this is why I will never take a new date to the West Village).
16. You have to awkwardly pretend the bouncer doesn't know you on a first-name basis.
Oh god. That moment when you're walking into a new bar with your new lover, and the bouncer stops to say "hi" and ask you "how you felt after last Saturday night."
You look at him with big, crazy, vacant eyes and reply: "Uh, excuse me, kind sir, have we met...?"
17. You grapple with endless FOMO.
You're no longer satisfied. When you're partying with your friends, you miss the stable, fulfilling conversations and civilized dinners you share with your hot grown-up lover -- yet when you're with them, it takes everything in you not to go into a serious state of FOMO.
18. You fear what you might reveal in a blacked-out state.
You're afraid that your subconscious might sell you out and tell them stories you never want them to know.
19. You start to realize just how high your tolerance really is.
Wait, people can actually get drunk off wine?
20. You feel like you're always laughing a little too loud.
No matter what you do, how polished you become or the sophisticated manner in which you carry yourself -- you will always be that overly excitable little girl in a teeming sea of real adults.
You're always laughing a little too hard and a little too long.
21. You fear you might not be where you should be for your age.
Suddenly, you are questioning your behavior like never before. This new, healthy adult figure in your life is revealing just how toxic your lifestyle might be.
You begin to feel sweeps of insecurity, penetrating into the deepest part of your heart. Why don't you have a f*cking 401K, damn it? And, more importantly, why do you still not know what it is?
What the f*ck is wrong with you, and why is it that you've attended every cool party in lower Manhattan -- yet you've never even experienced even a mild taste of a healthy relationship?
The beauty of dating a real adult is it can teach us a little about balance. If we can withstand the insecurities that surface in our party girl brains, if we don't push them away in our typical avoiding fashion, we might actually learn the beauty of an occasional night in.
And if they can handle our fierce flair, loud voice and crazy friends -- we might be able to teach them how to have a little fun and tap back into their inner free-spirited wild child once in awhile.
See, a party girl needs a little bit of real adult, and a real adult needs a little bit of party girl. If the two parties (no pun intended) are able to respect one another's differences -- it just could be the most powerful love of all.