The Dating Fail You'll Definitely Make, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
If you're a woman in her 20s or 30s, you've probably asked yourself why that love life of yours is such a circus dumpster fire.
Maybe your last three boyfriends have mysteriously all been named Kaya, maybe you continually get UTIs like your vagina is protesting your dick-choosing skills or maybe you seem to date guys who ask to borrow your car and then disappear until you've filed a police report.
Luckily, there's one simple answer for each and every one of these extremely complex problems -- your astrology sign! So fear not, because now you have a reason to feel less alone.
Here are the most likely sexual mistakes you can make based on your zodiac sign:
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Fucking yourself into UTI country.
Scorpios are freaks in the bedroom, but when it comes down to it, they just don't know when to stop. All that passion can lead to a boatload of problems with your downstairs parts, especially if you don't pause to flush your system out.
Take a breather Scorpio, because you're on a one-way “tract” to Infection Town. Sorry, I had to.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Smashing your self-defense class instructor.
It's great that you're using your Sagittarius love of learning to acquire the skills of a warrior; however, there's really nothing quite as counter-productive as voraciously banging the guy who's supposedly teaching you how to ward off sexual predators.
Not to mention how dangerous sex becomes once you've incorporated mace into the routine.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Mistaking joblessness for a "free spirit."
But when you happen to be attracted to Brody from Woodstock who you met at a music festival, devotion is not what you need. What you need is to tell Brody to stop making wind-chimes in the living room while you work to pay the rent.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Dating for eight months after one great conversation you had when you were drunk.
Nobody is interesting enough for you Aquarius, so when you met a guy who told you he spent the first 10 years of his life adrift on the Atlantic ocean, you said to yourself, “Here is someone who can hold my attention!”
So began your eight-month-long one-night stand with Aedin, who “doesn't know how old he is” because they “never found his birth certificate.”
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Agreeing to leave every morning so he can "meditate."
Pisces, it's great to be as compassionate as you are, but your compassion is making you look like a gullible idiot. You've been dating Rick for a year and you're so attracted to how spiritual he is you haven't noticed he's terrified of intimacy.
Every time you manage to maneuver your way into sleeping over, he asks you to leave first thing in the morning “ideally" before he wakes up so that he can meditate.
You've asked to join him but he feels it's easier to be one with the universe when nobody else is around.
Take note, Pisces; he's not meditating. He's taking a shit, and you're living a lie.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Going full 2006 Britney Spears on his car before he texts back.
Look, Aries. You're known for having temper flare-ups on a regular basis, and that's OK. It's a good thing to be in touch with your anger. You have every right to hate him if he does't want to date you, because his feelings are wrong.
That said, it's important to find out if he's “just not that into you” or if he just took a mid-text nap before you show up at his doorstep flinging a baseball bat in the air, demanding an explanation.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Mistaking his depression for artistic talent.
Taurus has an appreciation for the beautiful things in life that is unmatched by anyone else in the zodiac. A beautiful painting, nice hardwood floors or a moving song can really stimulate their under-parts.
But just because a gorgeous siren sang you a sad song doesn't mean he's not a giant basket of crazy.
Dating someone who ruins parties with stories that sound like diary entries is a bigger commitment than raising a puppy, and it reaches a point of diminishing returns.
Just download his music library and get out of there.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Accidentally swiping right on your step-sibling.
We've all been there Gemini, you're fanatically swiping right and casting your net out as far as Tinder will allow so you won't die alone, when all of a sudden you swipe right on an all-too-familiar face and have to ask yourself “How did I know that guy?”
Except in this case, you know exactly how you know that guy. He was at your dad's wedding because he's your step-brother.
Gemini is a sign symbolized by the twins, and is known for having a close relationship with their cousins and siblings -- but not THIS close. Fix it. Fix it now.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Moving in with Steve... and his mom.
You were so excited about moving in with Steve, the sweet guy who clearly had a great relationship with his mother. It was important to you as a Cancer, because you see value in a man who can accept your nurturing qualities.
You didn't realize until you showed up in a U-Haul to the “perfect place” he'd found for you both in New Jersey that you'd have to learn to accept some nurturing yourself -- you just moved in with Steve's mom.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Living by the motto "The heart wants what it wants."
OK, but what if your heart wants Brad, the traveling spoken word poet with a clear amphetamine problem and a weird dick?
It's a fine thing to be passionate Leo, and you are one of the most passionate signs, but sometimes it's important to make choices based on logic.
Your loyalty is deep, but not as deep as Brad's psychological issues. Don't stretch it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Agreeing to have sex in the shower.
Some people enjoy shower sex — by people I mean characters in fictional romantic comedies. But for a neat freak like you Virgo, the shower is for one thing and one thing only; perfecting the grooming routine.
Just as people don't shit where they eat, you don't fuck where you clean. Let the people know.
Specifically, let your SO know: You don't like to smash within 10 feet of a loofah.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Mistaking your soulmate for a twin flame.
Libra, you're possibly the most romantic sign in the zodiac, a romantic to your very core. But not every guy you fuck is your twin flame. Soulmate? Sure, you can have lots of those.
But spiritual blogs have made it clear you have to be fully enlightened to be reunited with your twin flame.
Do you honestly think that dating Samuel, who “doesn't go down on women who don't wax” is the most enlightened version of yourself you can be? I didn't think so.