I've said it before and I'll say it again: I used to loathe couples costumes. It's like, get your own identity, you codependent weasel.
However, I'm softening with age. And you know what happens when you get soft? You lose your taste level.
Good taste is defined by being chic and bitchy. Bad taste is defined by being sweet and corny. I haven't totally crossed over yet, but I'm halfway there. And this is the defining moment of my demise into cheesy adulthood: I'm writing a post about couples costumes.
Gay boy couples costumes.
I already did the lesbian edition (don't gag boys, I didn't turn us all into softball players), so I figured it's time to go gay boy. I mean, I always say, go gay or go home. And today I'm saying go gay boy, or go home.
Naturally because I am a gay, I've been thinking a lot about Halloween. Halloween is the gay equivalent to Christmas, and no one celebrates like we do on October 31st.
It's like the second coming of Christ, only with lots of drag queens and glitter and gay drama.
So here are my (and my amazing Facebook friends team who very quickly helped me brainstorm) favorite gay boy couple costumes for Halloween 2016:
Batman and Robin
This a perfect costume for the homo-nerds.
Plus, let's get real: Are these not the most homosexual-looking costumes you've ever seen in your life? I feel like it's just another night on Christopher Street with these bad boys, only now you have an excuse to rock a red cape and fetish-y mask.
Pitcher and Catcher
This is the ideal costume for the lazy gay who likes their traditional "top" and "bottom" roles. Or better yet, you could switch and the pitcher could be the catcher for Halloween and the catcher could be the pitcher.
I mean, it's not Halloween unless you shake it up, right boys?
However, two plugs without an outlet is a nice, queer spin on a very boring costume. Plus, it's not so, um, violating?
Ambiguously Gay Duo
Ace and Gary, "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" from the SNL sketch, is the perfect costume for the pop culture gay couple that likes to stay in on a Saturday night and watch SNL. Or watch it Sunday morning over hot mugs of coffee and a civilized piece of toast.
I also recommend this costume for the CrossFit gay couple because I know you want to show off that CrossFit bod. (God, CrossFit gays are SO SMUG!)
Adam and Adam
Ugh, I know the straight couple dressed as Adam and Eve in those gross "flesh" colored body suits is RATCHET. But the boys I found via Instagram stalking, dressed as Adam and Steve, are gorgeous. The apple, the brows for days, the headdress and the hot bodies? Where do I sign up?
However, if you're a lazy gay and just want to buy the costume you can get this cheap one at HalloweenExpress.com.
Work through your childhood trauma of being teased by the mean jock boys in the boy scouts and redo it as a grown up, baby! This is what my therapist calls a "reparative" experience.
Take the power back and go DIY like these Fire Island Pines boys did, or get this pre-bought one online.
Either way, it's a really kinky costume and the two of you can go home and be NAUGHTY boy scouts who get kicked out of the troop because they got caught having sex behind the willow tree.
You might not have played on your high school football team, or maybe you did — I don't know, babe! Either way, who doesn't have a football fantasy? Especially when you can get custom jerseys that say things like "tight""end." I'm actually really obsessed with this look.
Plus, this gives you guys an excuse to dress up as the hot jocks you secretly want to go down on, right?
Show off those legs and dress up as Sister Mary. You can either go full drag with it, with makeup, or just rock the habit. This is very kinky and very scandalous, and I know you like yourself some kink and some scandal, boy!
This is perfect for the excommunicated gay who wants to take the power of the church BACK.
You can buy an authentic looking nun costume by purchasing this nun habit kit.
It's time to bridge the gap in the great gay/lesbian divide.
Plus, we all know you look really cute in a snapback and flannel. Just add some temporary tattoos and a no-nonsense facial expression and you're good to go! You can even scissor your way to the dance-floor if you watch my "scissor how to" video:
Have a holy, happy, homosexual Halloween, babes!