"Oh, darling, just have a SUMMER romance," my mother used to say to me before I went off to sleep-away camp every summer.
And I would, of course, have a summer romance, because that's just my style. My summer flings would always be hyper-passionate, intoxicatingly tempestuous and packed with midnight make-out sessions, gorgeously wild and insanely intense.
And right around week two, I would call my mom on the lone camp payphone.
"I'm in love," I would whisper into the receiver.
"You're not in love, darling. You're just having a summer romance," my mother would dutifully lecture me. I would imagine her speaking to me from the throne that is her four-poster bed, her Armani reading glasses resting on the tip of her nose and her blonde hair spilling everywhere. She lounged in an expensive La Perla night gown, surrounded by her worshipping pets.
"NO, MUM. You don't get it! It's real!" I would hiss, gazing down at my skinned knees and dirty converse.
"Whatever you say," my mother would purr condescendingly before hanging up the phone and going back to her Vogue magazine.
I would come back from camp devastated, lovesick and missing my summer fling with every fiber of my being.
"I hate THIS TOWN," I grumbled, running up the stairs, tossing myself in my bedroom and slamming the door extra hard to drive the point home. I always had a flair for drama, so I would go all the way, recklessly blasting emo music like "Bright Eyes" and loudly weeping while I scrawled song lyrics in purple lipstick across my mirror.
I wish I could say I was inflating this scene for artistic purposes, but alas, I'm not. I mean, this is me as a teen. That's some dark energy.
After about a month, my camp lover would take the train to me all the way from Scarsdale or Long Island or Paramus or somewhere else classically tristate, and I would be teeming with excitement. My freshly-painted black nails would nervously tap my Diet Coke can, and my whole body trembled with lust and anxiety.
And the moment would finally arrive.
She would knock. I would run to the door, my raven hair dramatically flapping behind me like I was about to be reunited with my long lost lover. It was very "The Notebook," except with a teenage, lesbian twist and set in Westport, Connecticut, in the early 2000s.
The moment I would set my hazel eyes upon the face of my camp lover, I would be hit with a case of Sudden Repulsion Syndrome. Had I not noticed how poorly dyed her pastel pink hair was? Ew. Had I not noticed that she had an EYEBROW ring? WAS THAT A "GOOD CHARLOTTE" SHIRT SHE WAS WEARING? NO. NO. NO. NO!
She would look at me, and we wouldn't even have to say a word. It was clear that, when out of the context of blissful summer, we had nothing in common. I mean, she listened to Blink 182, and I was a Fiona Apple girl. What the hell did we have to talk about?
Summer flings can't hold up in the brutal winter. Once the buzz of sunshine, sea salt and freedom wears off, you realize you have no real substance that can keep you together through a harrowing, cold season.
So this weekend is the (unofficial) last weekend of summer, babes. This is going to be the last time you kiss, fuck and whisper sweet nothings into the precious ear of your summer fling. You might not realize it now, but trust me. The second Labor Day subsides, it will become crystal clear: IT WAS JUST A SUMMER ROMANCE. Nothing more. Nothing less.
The second Labor Day subsides, it will become crystal clear: IT WAS JUST A SUMMER ROMANCE.
However, excuses are totally solid. I'm a big fan of excuses, especially when they're face-to-face.
So here it is, summer babe. Here are 10 "lines" you can use to end your summer fling before you find yourself stuck with a bout of seasonal affective disorder from being in a sexless, loveless relationship with your summer hookup.
1. "So SORRY, but it's fall, and babe, I really need to focus on my career right now. The summer fun has to end. I'll never forget you!"
2. "You know, now that it's getting colder, I'm going to need to pay for heat, and I just can't afford to date AND pay for heat at the same time."
3. "I'm sorry, but my vagina freezes in the winter."
4. "Um, due to the freezing temperatures, I'm going to have to grow my leg hair out, and I'm not really into hooking up with hairy legs."
5. "This was just a summer fling. Sorry."
6. "It's back to SCHOOL time. I can't date when I'm focusing on SCHOOL." (It doesn't matter if you're actually in school or not.)
7. "Um, I only wear a giant, floor-length puff coat in the winter. I don't want to embarrass you when I walk around the city in a giant comforter."
8. "I don't leave the indoors during the winter, so I won't be seeing you."
9. "I just realized I'm gay." (Or straight, depending on which way you swing.)
10. "My therapist thinks I need to handle the winter alone this year."