Up to 15 percent of women do not experience orgasms.
As a gynecologist, I have seen many patients with this complaint, and all of them ask me what’s wrong with them.
The first thing I do is ask if their partners are aware they are not having orgasms.
Almost every single time the answer is, “No.”
I recently encountered firsthand the obstacles many women face when trying to improve their sexual experiences with men.
I was in Napa Valley, the perfect setting for pure romance.
The scenery and wine were peaceful and fun, but what did not have the same sentiment of love was the way the man I was seeing treated me during sex.
One evening in our dimly lit cabin, I guided him softly with the simple words, “Go slow.”
We were intimate with each other in every part of our lives, so I felt comfortable sharing with him.
Instead, his response was, “You like that? Turn around.”
OK? I thought.
But being a glass half-full kind of gal, I took his dismissal as simple miscommunication.
So, I tried again.
The second time, I know he heard me.
His response made me wish he hadn’t.
He snapped and said, “Why do you have to control this? Why can’t you let me do what I want to do you?”
It's as if this was something he was doing to me, instead of an experience we were sharing or something I was feeling.
He then pinned me down and continued the act so aggressively that I felt uncomfortable and had to tell him to stop.
He did, begrudgingly, after stating, “You like it.”
Trust me, I didn’t.
A few days of silence later, and the relationship was over.
He stated that the first time we had sex (once at 24) was very different from the sex we had recently been having (at 33).
To him, the sex "had changed."
After we parted, those words resurfaced and sparked a series of irrational doubts within me:
Am I not as sexy now that I am in my 30s?
Is it the cellulite?
Is it my less-than-perky breasts?
Do I just don't measure up in bed?
And then, I woke the hell up.
The problem wasn’t my body or my performance.
It was that he couldn’t handle the fact mature sex includes two people with different wants and different needs, and he didn't know everything I know about my own body.
He thought this was his show, he was doing something to me and I was there only to gratify him.
The true difference between my 24-year-old self and my 33-year-old self wasn’t my less-firm thighs.
It was that I was now comfortable enough with myself to speak up.
I was less concerned with how I appeared to him as a sexual object, and I was more concerned with how I felt as a sexual person.
The number one thing a woman can do to have an orgasm is communicate.
A true orgasm problem or dysfunction is an inability to have an orgasm with a partner or alone.
The truth is that only 30 percent of all women have an orgasm strictly from sexual intercourse.
If you are not part of the 30 percent of women who are able to have an orgasm through intercourse, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with you.
It just means you have to get creative.
Sharing love and closeness with your partner during intercourse can still be very satisfying, but I do encourage women to find another way of having an orgasm.
Whether it comes from oral or manual stimulation from a partner, masturbation or the use of sex toys, find a way.
If a woman learns on her own what helps her achieve an orgasm, then it can be incorporated by her partner.
If you want to explore together, even better.
The easiest way for a woman to achieve an orgasm is through clitoral stimulation.
If you are not sure where your clitoris is, please have your physician point it out to you, and then take the time to get to know it.
There is also the elusive G-spot, tissue that is located approximately one-third of the way into the top of your vagina.
Developmentally, it is thought to come from the same tissue as a man’s prostate, which is also known to be able to elicit an orgasm if stimulated properly.
There is a theory that secondary to its location, the G-spot is actually just an extension of the clitoris going inward to the vagina.
Personally, I do not think the focus should be on how you achieve an orgasm.
As long as you learn the moves for you to have one, who cares?
Once you learn the moves, share them.
Most importantly, if someone doesn’t want to hear you, don’t question yourself.
Be true and authentic to yourself.
Sex involves two people. You have a voice, so don’t use it to make fake screaming noises.
Instead, use it to express yourself, to share and to connect.
There are reasons it's called making love.