Women are often asked what it personally means to "have it all." "Having it all" differs for everyone. For some, it’s succeeding in all the vitals -- family, health, career and passion.
For others, it’s more about the sentimental journey getting there. And for those who aren’t afraid of a little real talk, "having it all" is synonymous with a lucrative prenup.
When women are asked to set life goals for themselves, it tends to be pretty politically correct. “Steady, high-paying job.” “Happy family.” “White picket fence.” “World peace.”
It’s our lives! Where’s all the fun?! Heaven forbid one of us came out saying we wanted to be a MILF instead of just a regular-old-mom. Scorned is the woman who doesn’t care about heading a company, but rather making sure her husband gets enough of it.
It’s time we let our hair down and just laughed about all the ridiculous things we want out of life and the crazy experiences that have led us to these conclusions.
Of course, ending world hunger and good health are at the top of the priority list -- but what about shoes? And exotic travels? And Kate Middleton as your BFF? We all privately joke to our friends that we “want” those things. Now we’re finally admitting to them.
Remember that grade school bullsh*t about dreaming big? Well, you can’t get there if you don’t step outside reality every once in a while.
Let’s cut the crap and just let it all out. If women were honest about their life goals, here is what we hilariously, ridiculously, outrageously really want:
1. Something to put on our business cards that makes people impressed.
2. A closet full of chic clothes exclusively made of sweatpants material.
3. A baller bathtub that's filled with rare white truffles, giving a whole new meaning to bathing in truffles.
4. A great prenup.
5. A gorgeous kitchen that we never have to cook in because someone else does.
6. To marry a nice Jewish boy plastic surgeon. Get that ish fo' free!
7. All of our hair magically falling out of our vaginas and not our heads.
8. The ability to cut every line from cronuts to the final Harry Potter book signing because we are that famous and powerful.
9. A toilet seat that doubles as a throne.
10. To become a well-respected person in our field so that we can date Nick Jonas.
11. Prodigy children who earn scholarships so we never have to work or pay for their colleges.
12. To read all the classics and not just pretend like we did.
13. A personal assistant who does all of our text messaging.
14. To have as much fun in life as we did after accidentally smoking crack at that underground party while studying abroad.
15. A fridge like Bravo's "RHOBH" Yolanda.
Look at that clear, fresh gorgeousness. We want to rub our noses against the glass. Have you ever seen anything so glorious?
16. To ensure our lives are better than that bitch's we went to high school with.
17. To delete our Facebook account. We’re ashamed. We don't want to be that person with two kids, a job and a house, whose entire previous life full of mistakes is still readily accessible by going backward on our photos.
18. The culinary skills to cook like our moms.
19. Stock in something that we don’t have to understand because our financial planners will.
20. To be BFFs with Oprah.
21. To be rich enough to buy new clothes instead of doing laundry.
22. An engagement ring with its own zip code.
23. A part-time job that still affords us sleep for 16 hours a day, three maids and a chef.
24. Barney's salespeople to know us by name.
25. For our other BFF, John Legend, to serenade us at our weddings.
26. Being the second wife instead of the first one.
27. To be happy and healthy, subsisting on only celery, air and water.
28. To be ageless like Gabrielle Union or Lucy Liu.
29. F*ck personal shoppers. We want a personal designer who will hand-stitch well-fitting jeans and bikinis.
30. Yoncé on speed dial.
31. For high-fashion designers to just send us free sh*t, even though we can afford it.
32. Kids who spend little time at home and still end up successful and loving us.
33. To do a little bit better than our sisters.
34. Two words: black card.
35. To become a MILF.
36. A lifetime supply of blowouts.
37. A house that looks into Kimye's bedroom.
38. To remain a size 2 for the rest of our lives and therefore never lose our 20-year-old metabolisms.
39. A permanent discount for all basketball tickets.
40. A massive NYC apartment... BUILDING.
41. A closet that is the mall.
42. A husband who thinks wrinkles are sexy, is a nanny in the streets and a freak in the sheets.
43. To be wealthy enough to have a surrogate and not a baby.
44. To stop faking it.
45. A permanent residence on the Amalfi Coast.
46. For Vera Wang to personally customize our wedding dresses.
47. Boobs that sag upwards.
48. A Chris-Hemsworth-Bradley-Cooper-Chris-Pratt mashup of a man who takes care of my body, the house and the bills.