The Answers We Actually Want To Give To Those Prodding Questions We Endure During The Holidays

While it’s always nice to reunite with distant family members during the holiday season, it’s also incredibly painful having to field the requisite “catch-up” questions that we ourselves have been avoiding asking.

Like any cunning professional held captive, you are armed and ready with a stock of vetted and prepared responses to your Aunt Liz’s interrogation into your life.

It’s not worth getting creative – as long as she hears that you are happy, at least planning on getting married…someday and holding down a job, Aunt Liz will shut-up eventually and move on to her next victim.

But what if we actually just answered with the truth? Well, there goes our chance of ending up in the will.

For everyone who is holding back the real responses to the annoying family interviews, it’s time to let it out here before you accidentally slip to your great grandma that you’re just having sex right now and not looking for anything serious… hopefully spoken into her bad ear.

Q: You’ve grown-up so much since last year! What’s new with you?!

A: Well, that question certainly encompasses a lot. Could you be any vaguer? What’s new with me? Let’s see: my skin has recently started breaking out like crazy because cold weather apparently gives me acne now, so that’s new.

I realized yesterday that I can’t afford to buy myself a small good-for-you-present this year, so that’s also new. And my apartment has become infested with mice. So, good things all around.

Q: Where are you working these days? How’s the job?

A: Does stalking LinkedIn and career websites all day count as a full-time job? I’m technically not getting paid, but I’m working my ass off so it seems like a viable occupation.

I’m working at a place that underpays me and overcompensates with free food and a snack pantry that’s made me gain weight. Work is about as fun as this conversation is. You know what I like even less than my boss? Discussing my boss.

Q: Are you seeing anyone in particular? Do you have a boyfriend?

A: Unless you consider greeting my daily Starbucks barista as “seeing someone,” then nope. It’s just me, myself, and the nightly bottle of wine to keep me company.

Sometimes if things get really crazy, we’ll have a threesome with Olivia Pope from “Scandal.” No, that’s not meant to be taken seriously. I’m not a lesbian, and I know this because I don’t enjoy the sex scenes in “Orange Is The New Black.”

Q: Where are you living? Next time I’m in your city I want to come by and see the new place!

A: Next time you are in my city, I hope you will continue to not call and notify me. The last thing I want is a repeat of this moment.

I finally just stopped living at home, which is a good thing because my parents are the worst roommates, but a bad thing because my rent is what’s eating my meal plan. My "new place" is more like "barely a closet" and I’m hoping it’ll eventually stop feeling like a temporary housing project. So, you still want to visit me?

Q: Are you still with your (now ex) boyfriend? What happened?

A: You probably already heard the breakup story from my mother, so why do I have to retell it to you, especially during the holiday celebrations? Thank you for reminding me that I ended things just in time for cuddling season.

Q: You look like you’ve been enjoying yourself! What’d you do last night?

A: I’ll have to answer your question with another question: what the eff is “enjoying yourself” supposed to mean? If you’re referring to my five pound weight gain -- it’s seasonal. And if you’re referring to my tired eyes and premature wrinkles – I just started using anti-aging cream at 23 and feel great about it.

As for last night, I got inappropriately drunk, went back with one of the guys in my rotation and stayed up having the time of life.

I’m only kidding. I just ended up staying in and watching “The Real Housewives,” but it actually was the time of my life, thanks for asking.

Q: Have you lost weight? You’re so thin, how did you do it?

A: Thank you for noticing that I’ve finally lost all the pudge I gained in college. Problem is you’re about two years delayed. Now excuse me while I go indulge in a third piece of pie and feel weird that you just told me I’ve lost weight when all signs point to the contrary.

Q: Who’s the new man in your life? What does he do? Where did you meet? Where did he go to school? How old is he? When’s the wedding?

A: Clearly someone has already answered all of these questions for you, or else you wouldn’t even know that I’m with someone new.

We met one night randomly when a mutual friend introduced us and there was a lot of alcohol and flirting involved. I was simultaneously hooking up with someone else, but I thought this new guy was way sexier. He had terrible texting game, but was really nice so I stuck with it and now we’re together.

I don’t know that much more about him, which might confuse you probably because my eager mother exaggerated his role in my life and now you falsely believe we’re on our way down the aisle. And for the record, I’ve envisioned my wedding, but I am nowhere near planning it. So stop asking.

Q: Do you want to come upstairs and help me change the baby?

A: If I wanted to, you wouldn’t have to ask me.

Q: Do you mind sitting at the end of the table with the kids?

A: Yes. I’ve been a Big Girl now for over ten years. Don’t subject me to an hour of The Telephone Game.

Q: Would you like another cocktail?

A: I’ve probably already had too many since I temporarily lost my place and started thinking of my hot cousin romantically…but sure, why not!? I haven’t overdone it since that one time I puked in front of a customs official on the way back from Toronto. Bring it on!

Q: Will you promise to call me next time you’re in town?

A: I will promise you, but I won’t keep it. In fact, I will actively dodge you just so we never have to do this again. (Smiles.)

Top Photo Courtesy: We Heart It