These Are Both The Worst And Best Tinder Date Stories Of All Time

Tinder is the monster that lived under your childhood bed: it stalks you when you're lonely, lurks with inappropriateness and provides great material for a story.

While it’s not fair to say every Tinder experience ends badly (or at least hungover and half-naked in someone’s basement apartment), it’s pretty safe to assume that most dates don’t lead to marriage or even a second date. A booty call, sure, but an actual dinner-and-drinks setup? Probably not.

We assembled some of our favorite Tinder stories from both staffers and friends. Wince along with us -- and perhaps think twice about swiping right on that hottie with a puppy.

Bet she needed some real therapy after that date.

We talk and eat and he tells me he was a psychology minor — cool story, bro — until he starts grilling me about my experiences and legit psychoanalyzing me. He whips out a notebook, too. He ascertains my personality type and determines I’m OCD and hyper-sensitive. Nice. As we’re about to leave, I try to order an Uber. He takes my phone. I finally wrestle it from him, pretend to slap him on the arm and take my Uber. He then stares at me, stares at the driver, then audibly says he doesn’t trust the driver and to be careful. Never talked to him again after that. - Val

Always charge your phone -- or else.

When we met up, he was definitely drunk and had absolutely no interest in talking to me. As we walked to what I assumed was a bar, he walked in front of me (I took a pic). This whole time, my phone was dying and I had zero knowledge of this particular area of New York. All of a sudden, he said, "This is my apartment, we can go upstairs." I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him and he asked if I was a virgin. I said no, but he could have an STD. He said he was clean and I was "probably clean, too," so it "shouldn't matter." Again, I said I just wasn't going to, but I did need to charge my phone. We went up to his apartment (after I texted my roommate his exact address), and promptly plugged in my phone. He started to kiss me and then just took a big chomp on my neck. Not a hickey. A bite. I kept going back to my phone to see if it was charged enough, and at one point, I went back and he was on his sofa and had straight up whipped out his penis. I immediately got my phone and he went to the bathroom. While he was in the bathroom, I ran out without saying a word. He didn't text me or ask where I went. -Eliza

Maybe she should’ve stuck to Match.com.

Someone I went on a date with on Tinder offered to drive me home after, like, at least ten shots. He also confessed he used to deal hard drugs in college, but whatever, I have low standards. Five minutes in, we hit a police checkpoint. They pulled him over (of course) and asked him how much he had to drink. My date said one beer. The cops pretty much laughed in his face, told him to get out of the car and informed him he was driving with 0.18 BAC. That was apparently enough of a warrant to search him, and what do you think they find? Some weed and apparently enough cocaine to prove intent to sell. Naturally, I got out of the car to do some damage control —while still being drunk AF. They asked me how well I knew my convict date, and I said this was a first date and we met on Tinder. The cops started laughing and informed me that I should’ve gone on Match instead. I took an Uber home, and I’d like to say that was the last time we ever spoke. - Lizzie

Consider this proof that looks aren’t everything.

My first date with Crazy Mike was one of my best first dates ever. We met at a bar. He was super hot. He looked just like Johnny Rotten from Sex Pistols, who's WAY hotter than Sid Vicious. Flash forward a month later — we were still dating -- but we broke up because HE IS CRAZY. He had a car that he would not park unless he crashed into the other cars in front and behind him. Then when he would crash into the other cars, he would sit there manically laughing. A breaking point for me was when he crashed his back tail light into a sidewalk tree, sat in the car manically laughing for 5 minutes before I could get him out of the car. He would also do things like randomly pick me up and carry me over his shoulder at stores, movie theaters — everywhere. Later I found out he doesn't drink because he once "accidentally" shattered a mirror on the street and stabbed a girl in the leg with mirror shards. He also had his salary taped to his refrigerator like a child. Tinder: It's fun...until it's not. - Gloria

Sometimes, there are happily ever afters.

In large part, the reason I agreed to go on this first date was because I didn’t believe that he was an actual person and thought that he was catfishing me, which sounded more likely than the existence of a single, cute, Irish boxer/deep-sea diver in Manhattan. When we finally did decide to go on a date, I had been sick with pneumonia for weeks, and this was my first bar venture out of the apartment. I didn’t understand anything he was saying for the first 20 minutes because of his thick Irish, British, Dutch and South African accent, so I just nodded and smiled a lot. At the end of the date, and after many gin and tonics, I decided that because I am a feminist and an independent woman that I had to offer to walk him home in a weird sort of flip the script situation. I was super insistent about it and the only compromise that I accepted was him walking me half-way home. So, we said goodbye in front of our local grocery store. I think I might have awkwardly shaken his hand. I was hoping he’d try and kiss me, but he didn’t. That was almost a year ago and we’re still (very happily) together. I can even understand him most of the time! - Sinead