Times Two: 10 Reasons Being A Lesbian Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be
As the resident gay of my group, I all too often hear the phrase, “I wish I were gay! Ugh, I hate men.” But, oh, my dear hetero-sisters, how wrong you are.
I’m here to break the sad truth to you: The reality of women is that they’re beautiful, complex, emotional and not-to-be-f*cked with creatures. You may think of them like you think of the sun: beautiful and intoxicatingly powerful.
The downside? Women are also like the sun in the sense that they will not hesitate to set you on fire. So, trying to be in a relationship in which the number of women is doubled increases the chance of you being left with a few burns.
In addition to their spicy flavor, women are also more emotionally in touch with themselves. Ever have that moment when you’re sad but angry, or happy but hungry? You do? Great! Well, so does your girlfriend! And, God help you if these two emotional stages happen at the same time.
And these, my friends, are just the beginning of why being in a lesbian relationship is not all sunshine and ovaries.
1. Emotions, emotions everywhere.
Dating a girl can be tough. When you’re in love and your girlfriend reciprocates these feelings to you with passion and sentiment, emotions are the bee’s knees.
However, when you’ve come home from a 12-hour day and are feeling irritable to the point of murderous, and your love bug has also grown some devil horns during the course of the day, things can go downhill pretty fast.
The bottom line is that women are more emotionally tuned, and it sure is a double-edged sword (one which you may be murdered with).
2. Chances are, you and your girlfriend have hooked up with the same person (and that sh*t gets awkward).
It seems that, in the sea of potentially datable fish, about two of those fish are also lady-lovers. The result? You may find out that you and your girlfriend have both err… swam with the same fish?
This ends up tricky and uncomfortable. Can you get jealous? Do you go into details? What exactly are the rules in this situation? If someone ever finds the answers to these questions, please let me know.
3. When you meet new people and say, “me and my girlfriend,” they will assume you’re referring to your BFFL.
Seriously, guys. Having to say “partner” in order to make the distinction makes us all feel like 40-year-old divorcées. Who ever made “girlfriend” a platonic reference anyway?
4. Neither of you is particularly strong.
Setting up the TV? Moving the couch? Get ready for an all-around sh*t fest.
The general recipe for disaster goes something like this: assume you have the ability, be overly confident of your ability, try, fail, try again, fail again and then react by having an explosive meltdown in which you smother your loved-one with a pillow.
The bad news is you are burdened to a life where simple labor tasks require a perverse amount of effort (this is God's way of punishing you for being a lesbian). The good news is, as two women, you will conquer the other 99 percent of tasks flawlessly (this is God's way of rewarding you for being a lesbian).
5. There is a chance someone will meet you and your girlfriend and ask if you’re sisters (and it will be a low point).
Yep, it happens. Chances are slim, but the consequences are dire.
Imagine kissing your girlfriend and remembering the time when the supermarket cashier asked how far apart in age you were? Boner kill.
6. There is no such thing as a "quickie."
Tired from a long day at the office? Well, too bad, buddy.
Women are basically the Energizer bunnies of sex. At times, this is like ascending into erotic heaven, at other times, it's like running a marathon with a broken ankle (which I don’t like to do).
7. Long hair gets in the way of your “romantic” moments.
This one is just plain distracting. Having long hair ensnared around your face like some kind of creature from the blue lagoon is one of the best ways to take the “sexy” out of your sex. The only pro is that your partner may look especially adorable with a messy bun on top of her head.
8. Your girlfriend can and will steal your clothes when you’re not looking.
Let's face it; some lady lovers have killer style. So, it's only natural that when your partner’s not looking, you swipe some of her drop-crotch pants. The downside to this is that it takes two to tango and when you’re wondering where all your muscle tees have gone, chances are your girlfriend is hiding them in the back of her closet.
9. The awkward moment when you take your girlfriend to a family event and get asked if “you and your friend have boyfriends, yet?”
There is nothing more uncomfortable than being the gay cousin at a family event. Actually, hold up, there is, and that’s attempting to bring your partner to said family event.
That weird aunt makes a statement about how “you and your best friend just spend so much time together!” This comment then reminds you that you are not openly gay, and you spend the entire afternoon being hypersensitive to any possible “gay” things you may do.
It’s basically like being an undercover, very stressed out spy whose life depends on not divulging any sort of “gayness” for fear of being lynched. (And I know all of my sapphic sisters have had the same anxiety-fuelled experience.)
10. Periods (times two).
Need I say more?