So, you're trying to lose weight get healthy? After countless weekends, pumping your body with "casual bites" of pizza (read: four slices in one sitting) and decadent steak tartares and stress-drinking marathons, you have let yourself go into a dark doughnut hole and are finally feeling the effects.
What better way to break the carb-cycle than to force yourself into consuming nothing but juice for 10 days? Beyoncé does it. Your BFF who was high on chlorophyll shots swore it changed her life. Sounds like a great plan.
Sometimes in life, you have to suffer first if you want glory later (...we'll keep telling ourselves that). Here's the timeline of your 10-day juice cleanse.
Day One: Like A g6
I am on top of the world; this is going to be the best thing I've ever done besides the time I dyed my hair ombre, you think to yourself while looking at photos of party dresses in a size too small online. This is so much easier than the time you tried going Paleo.
Day Two: Pretending to be fine
You're hungry, but you could swear that your jeans felt looser this morning after just a day, which makes it all worth it. Distract yourself by day dreaming about what you'll eat for your first "real" meal.
Please God, let me be one of those girls who's "too full" to finish a kale spinach salad. Gah, why can't you stop thinking about a gyro from the street cart? This makes everything worse.
Day Three: Craving solids
"I can't believe I paid $500 to feel hungry all day," you say to your coworker as you stare longingly into her egg and cheese bagel.
You browse through menus online, mentally planning what you are going to eat on your birthday in three months. It doesn't count as calories when you feed your eyes.
Day Four: False Hope
You've been doing so well, one olive won't hurt, right? Ooooh, you forgot what chewing feels like. Remind yourself that this a good thing and chug more water. You got this. If Kim Kardashian can give birth, you can give six more days.
Day Five: So. Tired.
You feel like you've been hit by a truck and zapped of all energy. Yay! This means it's working! You even feel yourself becoming a better person. Like, you decided not to hate yourself when you passed out at 8 pm and missed the latest episode of "Scandal." Baby steps.
Day Six: Hangry
Everyone needs to go eff themselves 10 feet away from you. You are so hungry that it's making you irrational and rage-y. The only difference between you and a fist pump is that it is your absolute intention to knock someone out.
Day Seven: Mmm, Mom smells good...
Cannibalism seems like a rational idea. Not because you're starving, but because you've fully come undone.
Day Eight: Unleash the Beast
You can't explain it, but you woke up feeling super energized. Have you released the toxins and finally come out the other side? You ponder while pouring yourself another glass (it looks more appealing outside of the bottle) of green juice.
Oh my! What is that we spot? Is that an actual pep in your step? Indeed, it is.
Day Nine: Re-energized
You get it now. The Cleanse has transformed you, mind and body. You are motivated. You feel lighter, cleaner, clearer. You're on a high. Should you keep going past 10 days?
Day Ten: Nirvana
"It literally changed my life," you say to your sister. "You need to try it." "Yeah, you seem a lot nicer," she says in agreement. "That's because I was such a bitch on the cleanse."
Photo Courtesy: Tumblr