I can’t be the only girl who braces herself before entering a dude’s bathroom.
You have to expect the worst.
Crusty towels, probably on the floor. A sink that used to be white but you can’t tell under what may be a years-worth of shaving residue.
Something's growing on the shower walls, probably a new species of mold stemming solely from boy filth.
Honestly, I can’t explain what's going on in my boyfriend’s bathroom no matter how hard I try.
When my boyfriend hosts our sleepovers, we have to be mindful of his five other roommates.
Let's do the math. That’s six guys plus one bathroom, which equals a dirty and crowded situation.
Here’s what I think about literally every time I use the little boys' room.
1. What’s with the pile of garbage in the corner?
You know that moment when you’re in a modern art museum, staring at something that could be an installation? Maybe it’s art, but possibly it's actual waste intended to be thrown out.
That’s the experience I have every damn time I’m in my boyfriend’s bathroom.
While sitting on the toilet, I look at the heap of forgotten cardboard toilet paper rolls, plastic packaging and the occasional empty beer can. How did it all get there? Why hasn’t someone taken it away?
Maybe this pile of garbage is entirely intentional. At this point, it adds feng shui to the whole room.
It really brings out the slate grey shades in the mildew stains.
2. Why is there no trash can?
This must be some kind of sick joke. I feel like all his roommates are playing a prank on me and the other poor women who happen to enter their apartment.
What if I’m on my period?
I should probably just take it as a sign that they want to have to unclog the toilet every time a chick flushes a tampon. Or, more likely, these guys just think 2016's technology enables tampons to simply vanish.
I've looked for a trash can in there more times than I can count.
They aren’t hiding it. It simply doesn’t exist.
The lack of logic in this bathroom just depresses me.
3. What are the white crumbly things on the floor and why are they always there?
Things that typically come in the form of white flakes include the following: snow, bath salts and dandruff.
The sh*t on his floor is none of those things. That makes it scarier.
I try my best to tip-toe around whatever the f*ck it is. But, without fail, I always end up leaving the bathroom with microscopic white sh*t stuck to the bottom of my bare feet.
When asked about this mystery mess, my boyfriend says he has no idea what I'm talking about.
Sure, I could wear socks, but I’d rather just passive-aggressively leave a vacuum in there. That is, if they actually owned one.
4. Whose toothpaste am I actually using?
There are several different tubes of toothpaste in the vicinity of the sink.
I hope I’m using my boyfriend's, but I’ve lost track of which one he actually purchased.
Who knows if he even knows, really.
My teeth never really feel clean when brushing at his apartment. Having never even met all of his roommates, it makes me uncomfortable doing something so intimate with a complete stranger.
At least I'm not sharing someone's toothbrush. I bring my own from home.
5. The shower looks deceptively clean, but I’m not encouraged to use it.
Fact: I have been dating my boyfriend for over six months and have never showered at his place.
“You don’t want to shower in there,” my boyfriend reassured me when I asked to do a quick rinse.
I’ve checked out the shower. It’s not the worst I’ve seen. No excessive amounts of curly, stray hairs. No soap scum.
So, what's the problem? It's not knowing that kills me.
If I did shower at his place, I’d probably wear flip flops even though he doesn’t. Six guys to one shower is basically a gym facility.
6. How many girls come here with the same questions and concerns?
I can’t be the only one.
This just baffles me. I’m surprised other girls haven’t taken action against the atrocities of this bathroom before my time.
We should form a union.
7. What does he think about my bathroom?
While living alone is a total blessing, having all the responsibility of keeping your place clean is a curse.
I do a good enough job, but I’m not perfect. Fortunately, there's no one around to judge me.
Maybe my boyfriend feels weird I actually do have a trash can in my bathroom.
He probably stares at it and thinks about what a waste of space it is.