The Times When Calories Don’t Count

AH, the art of rationalization: if you haven’t mastered this technique, then you haven’t really lived. Rationalizing lets you indulge in otherwise frowned upon behavior. All you have to do afterwards is simply manipulate the situation so it really doesn’t seem that bad after all. The best time for rationalization? Calorie counting.

You all know you want to have a bagel or muffin for breakfast, but you don’t because they are evidently oh-so unhealthy for you. Boo-hoo. Who even has the time to devote to this ridiculous thinking? I mean when did it become unacceptable to eat?

Don’t fret, there are certain circumstances and situations where the calories you are consuming are non-existent. Sounds too good to be true? Well that’s because it probably is. It's okay we understand, so we present to you the best rationalizations you could ever hope to make.

Check out the 10 ways the food you consume won’t even matter.

The Movie Theater

How do you expect to sit still for an hour and a half without snacking? I have too much ADD to sit there, I'll more than likely be high, unable to move, unable to use my phone and NOT eat? That’s not even possible. What are our mouths supposed to do while our eyes are watching? Bring on the popcorn and, yes, I would like butter with that.

If No One Sees You

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? If it's 4 p.m. and I stuff my face with 3 bags of chips and no one sees, did it ever really happen? Answer? No. Why? Deny, deny, deny. You are the only witness, so if you claim it didn’t happen, well I guess it didn’t happen.

On An Airplane

There’s virtually nothing to do to pass the time on an airplane other than eat or drink. Everyone knows the more you drink, the more you want to eat anyway. Plus if you’re traveling on JetBlue (what other airline would you even be taking in this country anyway?) you are well aware of the plethora of snacks they have to offer. Bring on the Terra Blue chips stewardess.

On Vacation

WOOO VACA. Sure, you probably worked out 24/7 to prepare for your trip, but when you actually arrive, your diet plan is going to hit the fan. Even if you are eating healthy, chances are you will be making that up in alcohol consumption. Why do people go on vacation anyway? To eat and drink, duh.

If It’s Free

There’s a reason they give out samples at the grocery store. When something is free, you are basically obligated to take it. How can you refuse free food, let alone free anything? You can’t. Do you know how many others would relish the idea of free food? Tons. There you go, how can you say "no" to that?

If it’s between the hours of 2 a.m. - 5 a.m.

Chances are if you are eating during these hours, you are drunk and/or completely obliterated. Sh*t's about to hit the fan when you’re blacked out and hungry. The stomach knows no limits at this point. If you don’t even remember eating the calories, then they didn't happen, right? RIGHT? Right.

Out to dinner with your boyfriend/girlfriend

Finally, you can say "yes" to the dessert you’ve been preventing yourself from eating for weeks. That NY style cheesecake isn’t just on the menu, it’s on your plate. Rationalization: you’re splitting it with your date. #Winning. If you're a female and your guy is taking you out to dinner, take advantage of this free meal (see the aforementioned rationalization) and order whatever the F you want.

When You’re High

Your stomach is a bottomless pit once you finish that blunt. Half the fun of getting high is indulging in the munchies afterwards. Smoke, eat, smoke and repeat. The best part is that no one will judge you for all the sh*t you are eating because they are just as high as you are.

If the fridge door is still open

You know that cold food that’s supposed to be hot, but you’re just standing in front of the refrigerator taking some bites? Don’t worry, those calories don’t count.

If someone is eating around you

It’s okay that you just had dinner by yourself, but if your roommate comes home and is ordering food, well hop on the bandwagon. It’s okay to have two meals especially if he/she doesn’t know you even had another first. Just pretending you are as starving as they are, it’s okay, we’ve all done it.

BONUS: If You Throw Them Up

Don’t try this at home, kids, but as your bestie from Long Island will tell you, this is a great way to have your cake and eat it, too.