The Roommate Survival Guide Part Two

So, it’s a couple of weeks in and you think, since you read The Roommate Survival Guide Part One, you’ll be golden right? Things are going swimmingly, the two of you have made it past welcome week without killing each other, and OH EM GEE! you both are pledging the same sorority, YAY!

Slow your roll, killa. The fun has only just begun. You may think you’re above the drama, but you’re not. Every bitch has her moment – don’t forget that. And a lot of these potential bitches mask themselves in fake kindness and small acts of decency (oh, you saved me the last cookie from the dessert tray, how sweet!!). In reality, that girl secretly wishes you would just evaporate and hopes that the cookie will go straight to your ass.

To ensure that your roommate doesn’t pull any funny business on you while you’re attending class or visiting a friend down the hall (example: use your towel to wipe her cooch), follow these guidelines below. Because we wouldn’t want you to find yourself in a hell of your own making, a.k.a your dorm room.

Do Yourself a Solid and Sleep Out

Who wants to sleep in a twin extra-long bunker anyway? We know you’d rather wake up in your own room and avoid sleeping in a gritty frat house, but please don’t bring a boy back to your dorm room. No one likes to be sexiled, especially your roommate who probably isn’t getting any and is pissed that she has to buy time in a sketchy hallmate's apartment.

The only times you can successfully get it on in your own pathetic excuse of a bedroom will be when your roommate is out of town. Don’t even try and pull the “she’s sleeping out, so I can have someone stay over tonight.” Your roommate is still going to be back in the morning. And how would you feel walking into a room smelling of body fluids and lust at 8 a.m. on a Wednesday after you just walked-of-shamed home and have ten minutes to race to your first seminar? No one wants to be greeted by your one-night stand, either.

Don’t Cook Smelly Stuff

Your roommate hates the odor of your microwaved eggs just as much as you hate the odor of her tuna. When something already smells foul, it’s going to smell a heck of a lot worse in such closed quarters. And while you think a heaving dousing of Febreeze will cover up the fact that you just ate a broccoli soufflé (but it works in all those commercials!), it won’t. In fact, it will just make the stench way, way worse, like a hybrid of jasmine and ass.

I used to live above the kitchen in my old sorority house (no judgement, I eventually de-activated), and I reeked of barbeque and soy sauce for a solid five months. Glade PlugIns were futile. Opening the window was an amateur move and spraying perfume only made my allergies act up. For what it’s worth, though, I always knew when dinner was ready and was able to get first dibs before the scavengers attacked.

Don’t make your life stinkier than it already is. If you want to indulge in an onion and lox sandwich, do it in the mess hall.

Don’t Have a False Sense of Confidence

Oh, so you think everything is going splendidly and you two will be best buds for all four years? Thinking about living together when you two go abroad to the same place? Think again. There is such a thing as “overkill” when it comes to roommates and doubling up on back-to-back semesters is a surefire way to squash a potential friendship. What is tolerable now will drive you crazy later.

Remember when you were younger and got a new toy that you played with constantly, but eventually grew tired of it and never picked it up again (or threw it in the trash can)? That’s pretty much what will happen if you continue living with your roommate past two semesters. I once made the cardinal mistake of bunking with my roommate for a full school year and then foolishly decided that I should live with her again over the summer. That’s an entire 12 months sharing one tiny room with the same person. You can guess what happened: we didn’t speak for a good six months afterwards until we finally had something new to say to each other. While she and I are now closer than ever, it took a half-year separation to reconcile our friendship.

Bottom line: if you want to keep a good thing going, stop living together before it gets old.

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