Periods: the most inconvenient, yet relieving, ordeal females face on a monthly basis. Most women are forced to deal with this pain-in-the-ass visitor, but the alternative is far worse.
As much as we love to complain about our excessive cramps and disgusting bloat, where would we be without our periods? The maternity ward of a hospital, that’s where... and, honestly, that’s the LAST place I ever want to be -- can I get an amen?
We use our periods to our advantage in a variety of situations because we have to suffer, and why shouldn’t we attempt to reap some benefits?! The crimson wrath is what allows us to act like emotional train wrecks by simply serving as a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Ladies, let’s dive into the tumultuous relationship we have with our periods. Men, if you’re reading this (God bless your empathetic souls), now you have a better understanding of that time of the month.
Cramps & Headaches
Because dealing with incessant bleeding for three to five days isn’t torture enough, let’s throw in some gut-wrenching stomach pains and throbbing migraines. Will the pain ever stop? Will these horrible feelings ever subside? I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but Midol is a myth in my book.
The only things I have ever found to alleviate any of these symptoms are pot and a heating pad.
Verdict: Hate (No Sh*t.)
Manipulating Your Period
Every month? Not for this chick. If you are part of the approximate 90% of females who are on birth control, the concept of “skipping” your period is not a foreign concept.
Rather, it’s a nice little manipulative trick where you simply go from pack to pack, ignoring those inactive pills, bypassing your period for the month. In no way is this condoned, safe or recommended, but we've all done this at one point or another. Supposed to get your period over spring break? Skip. Going to formal? Skip. Going on a cruise? Skip.
Ugh, the self-imposed cockblock: our periods. As much as our boyfriends bitch and complain about not being able to have sex with us, they secretly relish in it. Period sex is something every couple has to face, but the way it's handled definitely varies.
For some reason, men think there is an unwritten rule that declares this time “blowjob week.” This basically makes the female counterpart feel guilty because she cannot have sex (newsflash: she still can, it just grosses you out), and therefore, she can only relieve her guilt by performing endless fellatio on her partner.
Verdict: Hate (If you say love, you’re a liar.)
Indulging In Our Cravings
YES! Bring on the Godiva and Hershey’s! Hell hath no fury like a female’s appetite while on her period. Are these yearnings all in our heads? Do we even care? (We ask ourselves as we reach for the next chocolate bar.) Nah, ain’t nobody got time to worry about diets while menstruating. This is the one aspect that may even make the bloating and cramps worth it.
Verdict: Love (Until we step on the scale that is...)
Having An Excuse To Avoid The Gym
How are you expected to run or do sit ups when dealing with cramps? Also, isn’t it just the littlest bit uncomfortable exercising with a tampon? This is our vacation from eating healthy and exercising. It’s the one time of the month we get to sit back and yell, “I JUST DON’T GIVE A F*CK!!!!” As soon as it’s over, we’ll be back on the treadmill, but for now, the couch is our home.
Verdict: Love (Until we have to get back on track.)
Acting Like A Bitch For No Damn Reason
WOOO! I can say anything I want and you have to deal with it because...HORMONES. Yup, can’t control anything that’s spilling out of my mouth because it’s not my fault. Sometimes being a huge bitch is cathartic; I don’t know why, but it just is. Despite the fact that your anger is mostly misdirected, it’s just nice to get all of our frustrations out in the open. Don’t worry, as soon as we stop PMSing, we’ll apologize. Well, maybe.
Verdict: Love, Love, Love
Using It As An Excuse For Not Having Sex
If you’re hooking up with a guy and simply don’t want to have sex with him, just tell him you have your period! This is foolproof because what guy wants to sleep with a girl he’s not even dating while she’s on her period? Honestly, you don’t even need to have your period to whip out this excuse because he will never know the difference anyway. There are certain things we think are okay to do on our periods and there are things we know we shouldn't do -- this is one of the former.
Not Being Pregnant
Hallelujah! Praise the gods! You are not with child! You know that one night you were blacked out and unsure of how safe you were? Well, that anxiety is over as you have dodged yet another bullet! Phew.
Unfortunately, as much as we wish Mother Nature would just send us a text letting us know this, she cannot. A little pain and suffering for four days is worth it, isn’t it? Yes, yes it is.
Well, it looks like there are more reasons to love having your period than to hate it. Although, one positive reason involves skipping your period altogether...you get the point! Ladies, stop hating on your monthly visitor and embrace her. HA, who am I kidding? F that noise!