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The Honest Reasons All Of The Hottest Men Are Complete Assh*les

This week in science pop culture news, the world learned a (questionable) mathematical explanation for why handsome men are jerks and why the ugliest dudes tend to be the nicest (think about all of your best guy friends, you’d never hook up with them for a reason).

Jordan Ellenberg at Slate breaks it down using a matrix that compares looks to niceness, which he calls The Great Square of Men. And there’s something for everyone! The hot, mean guys, the nice, ugly ones, the sexy, sweet boys and the bitter uglies. But naturally, your taste falls somewhere between decent, super hot, and nice to tolerably mean, which then creates an “acceptability triangle.”

Sound confusing? That’s because it doesn’t tell us anything that seven-plus years of dating experience has already taught us. There’s no real explanation or psychology behind why this phenomenon is so prone to happen.

I could have told you that the hottest guys also tend to be assh*les back when I was in 7th grade and Jonathan Helm, with his sexy, sandy hair and smoldering blue eyes (who still makes me weak to this day... I’ve Facebook stalked him), told me that he couldn’t kiss me because my “voice sucked” in Chorus class.

Jonathan Helm, you are a bonafide douche, but I still would make out with you if I had the chance. I swear my vocal chords have improved since the “Love Train” harmony days.

And this, my friends, is why the most attractive guys can’t help but be jerks -- because helplessly googly-eyed girls like me will keep coming back anyway. I don’t need a triangle drawn within a square to make this clear to me.

“Personality comes the moment you realize your looks aren’t getting you anywhere. That moment has never come for them,” my fellow Elite Daily writer, Lauren Martin, explained to me when I was lamenting about this Slate article.

She brought up an excellent point. It’s not that you can change your boyfriend’s attractiveness by teaching him to act meaner (he’ll always be challenged in the looks department, no matter how many rude comments he makes at the group picnic #sorrynotsorry).

It’s much more deep-rooted, cultivated over years of being told you are handsome and can land any girl, regardless of what comes out of your mouth. Holding them down, however, might be a different story...

The reverse is also true: Less attractive guys are also pretty nice people, which explains why a lot of them also have really pretty, long-term girlfriends that make us go “Hmmmm…” every time we pass them holding hands on the street.

But who cares about these ugly peeps? There’s nothing to overanalyze there. We get why you’re nice and it’s a good thing you are! What we care about are those hot but mean bastards who keep our eyeballs entertained and our feelings hurt.

Here are the real reasons why the handsomest men are also the most jerky.

No one has ever rejected them

The only thing bigger than these guys’ massive effect on you is their egos. No one has ever said, “I think we should just be friends” to a man who looks like Bradley Cooper. As such, they think they can land pretty much any girl they desire (and they would be largely correct).

They are accustomed to people coming to them, so they never go the extra mile for anyone else

Hot dudes are asses because they never had to work for it. They’re used to women fawning over them instantly, and thus they don’t know how to handle a challenge. Next time you turn down a hot guy, see how he reacts. Chances are he’ll come back at you with a childish comment like, “Well you’re really ugly anyway!” That’s right, keep telling yourself that, you dick.

They never had to rely on their personality to receive something

Really sexy guys don’t need to be interesting to draw people in, they have their extraordinarily good looks to do that for them. They’re mean because they can get away with it because we’re all too distracted anyway with their charming features. Hot guys never had to be super crafty or cunning or sweet to get what they want.

They know if you leave, they can easily replace you

Clueless girls will continue to come their way even when you announce on your Facebook status that “Michael M. is a huge toolbag!” Hot guys might be mean but they aren’t dumb; they’ve learned from experience that girls will keep coming back anyway. Because don’t we all shamefully, and masochistically, always fall for the guy who is an unavailable douchebag?

They know how good-looking they are

It’s hard to be humble when you’re just so handsome, said every mean, hot guy ever. They never had to be nice to get what they wanted. They didn’t try for anything. When a waiter came to take the table’s orders, she unconsciously gave him extra-good service. These men know they are attractive and it only further serves to cripple them.

Photo via We Heart It