The Six Drunk Alter Egos Every Woman Has
We’ve all woken up after a drunken night thinking, "who the f*ck was I last night?" Whether you remember what you did or your friends have to tell you, most likely the latter, you could fight a court case that it wasn’t you who did those things last night.
Unfortunately, it was you – physically. The rest of you peaced after the seventh kamikaze shot and was taken over by a crazy b*tch: Your drunk alter ego.
Whether you’re emotional, slutty, bitchy or straight up nuts in every way, we all have our drunk alter ego and she’s off her rocker. Here are some of the most classic drunk alter egos women have:
We’ve all woken up at least once with puffy eyes and thought “f*ck, I cried last night…in public.” Emotional Emma is the girl who nobody wants to deal with. Whether her boyfriend broke up with her, she feels fugly, someone stepped on her toe or she accidentally spilled her drink, she’s going to cry. It’s not a cute cry either.
It’s as obnoxious as the cry of a toddler in a crowded restaurant when the parents refuse to take their damn kid outside. Every now and then, Emma will cry of happiness. This is usually when she is dancing with her friends and tells them that she suddenly realized how much she loves them, which just makes it awkward she didn’t realize that before.
This chick will probably never make it to the bar. Five shots deep and only one thing is on her mind: FOOD. Fat Fran is in desperate need of a sandwich, or ten, and will stop at nothing to get it. When I say nothing, I mean one time my friend got a ride home from the delivery guy at Papa Johns. The only thing this girl wants to hook up with is a buffalo chicken slice. She’ll sprint out of the pregame to the nearest fast food place and not look back once. While she's eating, she'll drunkenly slur something like: "I don't give a f*ck about calories, this sh*t is too good" or "I would marry this sandwich."
Slutty Samantha goes after sex like a fiend goes after his crack. She DGAF who is watching her, or even recording a video of her for that matter. She’s on a mission for the D. Slutty Samantha can be found grinding intensely on a random dude or questionably having sex on the dance floor.
This girl probably lost her friends the moment she got to the club and there’s a 99.5% chance that she will wind up in a random apartment, not knowing where she is the next morning. The other .5? She’s too drunk to even make it there.
Beware. Even the nicest girls have this drunk alter ego. There usually isn’t any good reason, but Becca will wind up screaming at you, insulting you, physically fighting you, or all three. Bitchy Becca will twist anything into an excuse to be a raging bitch. For example, if you tell her she has a great personality, she’ll be like “So you think I’m ugly? F*ck you.” In her head, she’s totally justified. Don’t even try to argue back that night. Trying to calm down Bitchy Becca is like trying to negotiate with a terrorist.
This girl is a stage five stalker. She has no shame when it comes to being social. Claire will see her mother’s cousin’s best friend’s boyfriend, who she’s only seen on Facebook, and be like “OMG I know you!” She wakes up with pictures of people on her phone who she doesn’t even know or remember meeting. She says everything we think about sober, but never consider actually saying.
This girl is just all over the damn place. Watch out cause when she goes down, she’s taking you with her (literally). She’s most likely going to fall at least ten times. If you wake up in the morning with mysterious scrapes and bruises that make it look like you were physically abused, you can blame Sue. Sloppy Susan has absolutely no judgment or awareness of her surroundings. You can find her making out with a plant she mistakes for the dude she met five minutes before, or puking in it.