The 20 Signs You Need To Be Shipped Off To Wineaholics Anonymous
It's no secret that wine is a woman's best friend. I don't care what has been said about diamonds because as long as I have a nice, cold bottle of Riesling on deck, I'll be set for life.
We drink wine when we're happy, we drink it when we're sad and we drink it when we're celebrating. There really is no occasion that wine isn't appropriate for, as it makes any and all situations just a little bit better.
When it comes to me, the limit does not exist, but at what point is it too much? Here are the 20 signs you should be shipped off to wineaholics anonymous.
1. It's not even a question what you will be drinking with any given meal
Lunch and dinner are basically just excuses to order wine. The day you turned 21 years old was the best day of your life since it became legal and socially acceptable to order wine with any meal (yes including breakfast).
2. The only thing in your refrigerator is wine and leftovers
You mean there should be ingredients in the refrigerator and not just leftover delivery and five half-empty (Or is it half-full?) bottles of wine? Hmm...
3. You know every BYOB restaurant in a 20-mile radius
Sure, there may be an uncorking fee, but it's totally worth it to bring your own wine out with you. In the long-run, it's must less expensive to drink this way, especially if you are going out with a large group of people. A bottle for everyone? Sounds great.
4. It's your best sleep aide
How else are you supposed to get a solid, full night's sleep without a little help from your friend, Pinot Grigio? There's no shame in having a glass or two before bed (or three or four).
5. You see no problem finishing an entire bottle in one sitting
One bottle of wine is only like four glasses and that's really not that many when you compare it to the amount you drink on the weekends.
6. You can't endure a family meal without it
How are you supposed to survive a family dinner without a little assistance from the wine cabinet? Getting barraged with questions about why you're still single isn't as annoying when you have a nice buzz going on.
Bring on the questions as long as you can bring on the wine.
7. You can name more than four varieties of red and white
I'm going to chalk this one up to being a very educated and cultured wine connoisseur... not a semi-alcoholic.
8. You have, on more than one occasion, filled an empty apple juice bottle with white wine
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck...
9. You only watch movies at home because you can't bring wine to a movie theater
Well, you can bring wine into the theater if you're sneaky about it, but you would much prefer the comfort of your own home. There's no one there to judge you while you watch sappy rom-coms while downing a bottle of Riesling.
10. Trader Joe's is your sanctuary
Where else can you buy actual, good wine for this cheap?! Trader Joe's is basically a place where winos go to meet fellow winos -- so I guess it's basically the opposite of AA?
11. It constitutes its own food group
To you, wine has its own spot on the food pyramid. I mean, it's made of grapes, which are foods, so that would make sense... right? Yeah, you keep telling yourself whatever you need to hear to get you through the day.
12. You tell yourself it's healthy because it's made of grapes
Wine is made of grapes, grapes are fruits and fruits are healthy. See where I'm going with this?
13. Whether it's $3 or $33, it's all good by your standards
You don't care how much a bottle costs, you welcome any variety, for any price. You're not going to turn a bottle away because it costs less than $10 -- you're going to buy two!
14. Slapping the bag is your favorite form of exercise
Who doesn't love slapping the bag? It doesn't matter that you've graduated from college, you haven't met a box of Franzia that you didn't like.
15. You don't fret when you can't find a wine opener
...Because you have a wine opener on your keychain. Also: You have no shame in pushing the cork into the bottle so that you may get to your wine immediately.
16. The only walk of shame in your life is bringing your recyclable trash out
If people dug through your recycle bin, they would probably send you to rehab. Instead of throwing one empty wine bottle out at a time, you let them accumulate before tossing them all out at once.
17. Before you take your shoes off at the end of the day, you're pouring yourself a glass of wine
After a long, hard day at the office, the only relief you will have is a nice glass of wine to take the edge off. You don't want to talk about your sh*tty day, all you want to do is dive into a bottle of Riesling.
18. The only glassware in your apartment are wine glasses
You may not have any actual dishes in your apartment, but you have an endless supply of wine glasses. Your shelves are adorned with glasses of different shapes and sizes that fit any and every mood you could possibly be in.
19. You have no shame in drinking straight out of the bottle
If you know you're in one of those moods, a glass isn't going to cut it. Going straight for the bottle is more than acceptable; I mean, you're just being efficient, right?
20. You have a wine-over on a daily basis
Since wine is your go-to sleep aide, chances are that you wake up most mornings feeling a bit sluggish. It was definitely worth suffering through the grogginess for that good night's sleep. Plus it's something a cup of coffee can totally fix.
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