Rob & Julia Campbell

6 Important Things Women Shouldn't Have To Pay Taxes On Besides Tampons

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The so-called "tampon tax" is no more. A bill in New York is making its way to governor Cuomo even as we bleed to move tampons from the category of "luxury item," which has made them subject to higher taxation in the past.

At 4 percent, the tampon tax takes a "Jaws"-like chomp out of our incomes. Women in New York currently pay $14 million in taxes annually on supposed "luxury items" like hygiene products designed to keep our vacant baby-homes from splooshing casually onto the floor of Pizzeria Uno. Nothing says "luxury" like having to choose between finishing that buttery deep dish and ever being able to make eye contact with any human being again.

With this battle won, it's tempting to throw our Venus by Gillette razors up into the air with gay abandon and celebratory spirits.  But sheath your blades and their moisturizing strips: We've only just begun to fight.

The things women in New York still pay taxes on could still use some fine tuning. I've got some suggestions as to what can go next.

1. Shaving cream

They* take the same stuff dudes use, inject it with pink-smelling (totally a thing) chemicals, put it in an iridescent can and charge me upward of $8 for the privilege of removing my pubes for male edification. Plus, they tax me for it.

*Big Shaving Cream, obviously

2. Pizza

Pizza contains cheese, a great source of calcium which women, we havers of brittle bones, need desperately. Not to mention it is one of the easiest junk foods to figure out the Weight Watchers points on, making it critical in our daily battle against becoming undesirable. Tax me on pizza and you may as well tax me for being single.

3. BRAS OH MY GOD

I'm a woman in her 30s with size 42DD boobs. Believe me: Bras are not a luxury. If you aren't going to walk a mile in my boob sweat, then the least you can do is acknowledge that taxing me for keeping everyone safe from Jabba and the Hutt is insane.

4. Hair dye

You put us in a world where Christina Hendricks exists and then tax us for daring to dream? Verily, this world is dark and full of terrors.

5. Baby Ruth bars

My logic here is admittedly not 100 percent. Mainly I just really, really like Baby Ruth bars, and Ruth is a woman's name, and if I want to contribute directly to the expansion of my ass it is my RIGHT to do so.

6. Makeup

I mean, right? Women who wear makeup earn more money than women who do not. Those women are still by and large making less than their male counterparts who presumably just flick the cum off their jorts and then toddle off to contribute to the decline of our economy.

But I mean, silver lining: At least there's not as much arsenic in our foundation as there used to be.