The vagina is the window to the soul, and what we put in them is the ultimate key to our complex personalities.
We've all found ourselves asking that age-old question, "Who am I?"
The answer is simple, and it lies in your feminine hygiene practices.
You're a down-to-earth gal who isn't afraid to dig up in there with your bare hands to fish something out or install it yourself.
Like a mechanic working under the hood, you're not afraid to get those hands dirty while working to improve the engine on your favorite vehicle.
You prefer a tampon that resembles a seed you can plant in your own secret garden.
Hello, fancy-pants! How's that lobster dinner with a side of 401(k)?
You're the bougiest bitch on the block, and you want a tampon that matches that patent leather purse.
So, you naturally go with the Tampax Pearl, the Manolo Blahnik of feminine hygiene products (at least until they make one with a 100 percent elephant tusk ivory applicator).
This is the number one tampon used by flannel-wearing bitches who are quick on their feet.
You need protection that can survive the cartwheels and backspins of the twirl-a-thon that is your life, and you're not going to settle for something that would cause a fucking accident because your LIFE is a game of Risk.
NOW MOVE, EVERYONE, SHE'S BUSY!
U by Kotex Tween Pads
You're standing on the precipice of womanhood (If not, what are you doing buying these?), and it all goes downhill from here, baby.
But, you don't know that yet!
So, why not get a pad that comes in super hip bedazzled packaging like a Katy Perry teenage dream to dress up an occasion that'll ruin your life until at least your mid-50s?
Holy shit, you pube-dyeing, glitter-in-your-armpits, trail-blazing boss bitch!
You're on the front-lines of the revolution, free-bleeding your way to freedom with not a care in the world.
You have one precious life, and you're going to live it like you were the original author of "Eat, Pray, Love."
Menstrual sea sponges
You're not going waste your time with man-made products designed to line the walls of your uterus with cancer, so you go for the product that's known by some as "The Witch's Diva Cup."
You're also not going flush that fresh uterine lining down the drain when you could be soaking it up and saving it for all your spells and potions.
You are a woman who is reasonable AF.
Sure, you partied hard in college, but instead of drinking from a Solo cup every night, now you just put one in your vag once a month.
You don't need to change your tampon every two hours because just like you, your paycheck and your J.Crew turtlenecks, your flow is both steady and reliable.
Regular old Tampax tampons
"Not everything needs to be a fucking statement," you say to yourself while stuffing your purse full of the free gym tampons and your puss full of cardboard applicators.
You have a whole life to worry about, possibly even a kid or two to raise, and you're not going sit there worrying about getting a little bleach in your vagina.
You've seen worse and lived through it.
Always Maxi Pads
You aren't going to trust the government that probably killed Kennedy to provide you with a safe feminine hygiene product.
So, you settle for a vagina cushion that keeps its distance from the inside walls of your precious puss.
Who gives a shit if it feels messy sometimes? You have a shower to take care of that.
Also, you don't want a bloody hourglass inside your vagina that forces you to head to the bathroom when its time runs out.
You run on your own damn schedule.