Look at you. You pathetic, doting, baby-name-calling, couple-massaging piece of relationship sh*t.
If single you knew you right now, with your big-shot boyfriend and Monday night sex, she'd throw up.
She'd throw up all over those silk sheets you just bought to suit his hypoallergenic needs.
God, you are so pathetic. But, you won't change. You can't change. You're too far gone.
You've experienced the other side, been swept away by the cuddles and the dinners; you've been temporarily blinded by the good sex and constant company.
But, those moments when you have your sight back, you clearly see what you've become.
Everything you swore you'd never be -- that girl who hasn't seen her friends in three weeks, the one who eats brunch with a guy instead of three women. For Christ sake, you went to the movies last week and didn't even think to call them.
You're disgusting. You need to apologize. First your friends, then yourself.
Oh yeah. Remember her? That brassy, independent, sassy, single girl you once loved so much.
The girl you used to take to dinner and watch Netflix with all Sunday afternoon (you'd even let her watch her favorite foreign film for the third time)?
The girl you used to take to the gym and make dinner for every night.
The girl whose company was all you needed, who you promised to love and nurture forever. Why don't you start apologizing to her, as well?
I’m sorry I only stay for two drinks on Saturday night.
I'm sorry I've become that lame, pussy bitch who only drinks with you out of "courtesy" for our friendship.
I'm sorry girls' night has turned into a once-a-month thing.
I'm sorry I've become one of those girls who now says things like, "Tonight, I have to hang out with the girls." (But, I'll come over after.)
I'm sorry you think I'm being a good friend by volunteering for DD.
I'm sorry I'm only a DD because I only drink if it's "worth it" -- aka, my boyfriend is around.
I’m sorry I don’t have one-night stands anymore.
I'm sorry I'm now that girl with no good penis stories.
I’m sorry I don’t go to the club anymore.
I'm sorry I act like an uncomfortable mom now if I actually go.
I’m sorry I don’t late night.
I'm sorry I can't remember the last time we didn't remember something together.
I’m sorry I stopped working out.
I'm sorry I gave up on one of the most important things in my single life just because now I don't have to do it.
I’m sorry I like answering to pet names.
I'm sorry I even let a man think of me as his "little dumpling"... let alone, say it aloud.
I’m sorry about that PDA on the subway yesterday.
I'm sorry, I thought we were pulling it off.
I'm sorry I celebrated Valentine's Day like a total douche.
I'm sorry I thought about wearing red (and thought it was less lame to go with pink).
I'm sorry for sending out that Snapchat.
I'm sorry you had to watch me prove I have a boyfriend now and we cook pasta together...
I'm sorry for referring to us as a "we."
I'm sorry, it just seemed easier.
I'm sorry I assumed he was invited.
I'm sorry, we're just like Alex and Simon now.
I'm sorry I stopped sending concert links to my friends and now just him.
I'm sorry I thought I'd have more fun at John Mayer with him than you.
I'm sorry I traded in Miami for a weekend at his parents' place.
I'm sorry I wasn't on drugs when I decided a weekend in South Dakota was my ideal spring break.
I’m sorry I won’t be spending Fourth of July with you.
Just apologizing in advance... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my Sunday routine doesn't include you anymore.
I'm sorry I'm not caught up on any of our TV shows. I'm especially sorry I don't know who won "Top Chef."
I'm sorry my reservation count is always for two.
I'm sorry I make reservations now...
I'm sorry I have couple friends.
I'm sorry I don't even like them.
I’m sorry I cooked for him and not you.
I'm sorry I was that girl who bought a cookbook.
I’m sorry about the Instagrams.
I’m sorry about the Man Crush Mondays... really, I am.
I'm sorry I told you things weren't going to change.
I'm sorry they did.