No Support: 20 Reasons Why Bra Shopping Is Just F*cking Miserable
Whether you have watermelons or bee stings, you will inevitably be forced into Victoria's Secret or some other major department store.
You will be poked and prodded by an over-the-hill bottle blonde named Sheila into a slew of brassieres that somehow manage to grow progressively more heinous as you try each of them on.
There is no way to avoid the horrendous experience that is bra shopping.
Every bra is different, despite what the label says, and must be tried on in-store, and therefore, there is no way to get out of it.
It's an emotional process. You have to come to terms with the fact that you must part with a substantial chunk of your hard-earned paycheck and pray to the heavens above that somehow, someway you will manage to find a bra that both fits and is cute.
Oh, the perils of bra shopping are all too real for us wayward females.
We must join together and remember we are not alone in the battle of bosoms. We are all united.
Here are 20 reasons bra shopping is the worst:
1. You're a different size at every store.
Somehow, you're a C at Victoria's Secret but a B at Target. Forget shopping online. That is never going to happen.
2. Tightening bra straps is a nightmare.
You somehow always end up lopsided. It's not like you can do it when it's already on.
3. Somehow you're both a 34C and a 32D.
How is that EVEN A THING? Cup sizes shouldn't fluctuate like that. This is all a conspiracy.
4. A middle-aged woman will inevitably feel you up.
Getting measured is always a treat. That 52-year-old saleswoman named Cynthia is enjoying this as little as you are -- I promise.
5. One of your boobs is always bigger than the other.
Nothing ever fits when one tit is a C and the other is a B. Maybe you can just stuff one side like in middle school.
6. There's a constant internal struggle between colors.
Do I get the cream bra or the neon pink bra? The pink one is sexy, but it will show through my clothes.
The cream one is grandma-esque, but it's work appropriate.
7. Bras cost as much as a week's worth of groceries.
Paying $50 for a damn bra is laughable, and the lingerie company executives are laughing all the way to the bank. Goodbye, sweet paycheck.
8. You will literally never look like a Victoria's Secret Angel.
9. Anything that's sexy doesn't fit; anything that fits isn't sexy.
Your boobs will tumble out of anything lacy and sexy, so you're stuck with the senior citizen special in a pattern that matches mee-ma's sitting-room curtains.
10. You never understand the language.
WTF is a demi, half-demi, push-up, half push-up, lacy undertow trick maneuver… get me out of here. None of this makes any sense. There are more types of bras than there are types of perfume at Sephora.
11. Your nipples fall out of everything.
Full-coverage only, or there will be a nip slip in your future.
Your boyfriend will never understand this, so do not even try to explain.
12. It feels like the saleswomen are always judging you.
They all know you're just a lost sheep, and they absolutely know those bras you're looking at will not fit you.
13. There are too many choices to pick from, and they all suck.
The size, color, pattern and shape just never seem to find a cohesive existence when it comes to you.
14. All of the patterns in bras your size are in old-lady patterns.
They are all so ugly. Who wants to wear a plaid bra or a bra that has mustard-colored polka dots?
15. If you have small boobs, you're stuck with a training bra or a lace bra with no underwire.
You either get to wear something for a prepubescent little girl or your boobs can hang into your shoes. Your choice.
16. No matter how many times you go, you still don't know what you're doing.
Every single time you go bra shopping, it's like the first time.
It's an anxiety-ridden experience that can only end with a glass (OK, bottle) of wine. It's like being in a foreign country.
17. You could buy two dresses at H&M for the price of one bra.
At least someone would actually see the dresses besides BAE. Also, BAE doesn't care about your bra, only that it comes off easily. Cruel, I know.
18. Cute bras only come in A-cups.
#Blessed. So beyond blessed. If you have a nice rack, they get to look like two lumpy sweet potatoes shoved inside a sock.
If you have tiny boobies, you get to wear a really sexy bra that is now in no way sexy.
19. You always buy the sequined bra.
Why you feel the need to be Tina Turner will never be clear, but you will rock that sequined bra under every chunky sweater you can find. LIVE.
20. The ever-present, cross-cultural debate: Is leopard print hot or just tacky?
Leopard print? Yes or no? Maybe so?