The 5 Stages Girls Go Through When Their Hair Just Won't Grow


Hair: It's the first thing we notice about anyone we meet, whether it's a guy or a girl. You know that one friend who just has amazing hair, who can basically dye it or style it any which way she wants and it looks flawless, yet you know if you tried the same, you'd look like Frankenstein?

Yeah, well this story is not about that girl with great hair, it's about the other girl who, no matter how much money she spends on products or Keratin treatments, will never have the hair of a mermaid.

Being born with great hair is a f*cking blessing and one not many people get to experience unless they go to the extreme to get it and, even then, it's not guaranteed.

Today, I'm going to break down this very personal struggle that I, along with 80 percent of females, experience.

1. The cut that changed it all

I get it, you're a hairdresser and this is your profession. You think you know everything, but actually you don't; when I say I want two inches cut off MAX, I do not mean this as a suggestion.

I totally understand that I fried the sh*t out of my hair since I have been using a hair iron since the Bat Mitzvah days, but that's just the way it's going to be since the alternative is a scary reality I have no plan on revisiting.

Well as every female knows, the only thing a hairdresser gets paid to do is not to listen to you. Sure, you can tell him or her you only want a dusting, but you know you're saying goodbye to at least six inches of hair as soon as the first cut has been made.

That is the haircut that has scared you for life, the one that has plagued your every waking moment as you curse yourself for having awkward shoulder-length hair.

2. The time and effort you spend trying to make it naturally grow

It's $100 here and another $150 there, but what's money when it comes to your hair? You believe any gimmick there is out there that promises you long, luxurious locks.

Let's talk Biotin for a moment; I know it's supposed to work, but who has the patience to wait three months to see results? I tried that sh*t and it lasted a week.

Of course, the best thing would be to reduce the heat products in your life, but who's going to do that? Not me and my Jewfro that's for damn sure.

I tried going to sleep with a wet head to eliminate the blowdrying process, but come the morning, your hair just looks greasy after ironing it.

There is no winning here!

3. The hair cut paradox

Please explain to me why I need to get a haircut in order for my hair to grow... I probably get a haircut once every year IF THAT because every time I go, no one listens to me and I end up crying into a pile of hair extensions (more on that in a minute).

I get it. You have to get rid of the dead ends so your hair will grow, but your hair grows from the roots not the ends!

I don't care who explains this concept to me or how accurate it is, I still cannot wrap my mind around this situation.

4. The extreme lengths (no pun intended) you are forced to go to

Fake it 'til you make it: This should be the slogan for every hair extension product ever. This is basically God's gift to struggling girls everywhere.

The best part of hair extensions is that the only person who knows you are wearing them is you! Well, that is unless a guy is running his hands through your hair, but I'm too single for that to actually be a current issue.

Hair extensions are great because they can be temporary clip-ins or permanent (that is if you have a casual $1,000 to spend).

Don't feel like wearing them at the gym? Throw 'em in your bag. Don't feel like wearing them to sleep? Throw 'em on your dresser. It's literally hair at your convenience.

5. Acceptance

The first step to hair-intervention is acceptance, right? The sooner you make peace with the reality of your hair situation, the sooner you can tackle it in the most beneficial ways.

Sure, maybe you want to crawl in a hole and cry on a humid afternoon, but that's nothing Moroccan oil or a Brazilian blowout can't fix (or at least tame).

It's too bad health insurance doesn't cover hair treatments or this world would be a much, much better and more beautiful place.

Photo Courtesy: Tumblr