It was the week before Christmas, and my sister and I were fighting off crowds to get to our seats at "Elf: The Musical."
Seeing as "Elf" is one of my favorite holiday movies of all time, I was pretty excited. But as my butt settled into the ripped cushion, I noticed a young couple sitting in front of us. They must have just gotten married because they were eating each other's faces instead of the Skittles in their hands.
From the moment I saw them, I knew they'd be PDA-ing their way through the entire evening. And they did.
As I watched Buddy the Elf make his way through the faux Lincoln Tunnel to find his father -- all while trying not to stare at Romeo and f*cking Juliet -- I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to see the movie with a guy by my side. (No offense, Sis, but you're not that great to make out with.)
It seems pretty clear that love won't be in the stars for me in 2015, seeing as it's practically over and Santa has yet to stick a man for me underneath the Christmas tree. The handsy couple were just rubbing it in.
My sister told me that if they really bothered me that much, I should just stop looking at them. But I couldn’t stop.
I don't usually take the sight of public coupledom personally, but during holiday season, I get particularly sensitive. Something about seeing couples out together, doing coupley things, around the most wonderful time of the year, makes me feel unusually lonely.
It's a hard time to be single.
Rather than dwell in negativity, I began to think of all the things I could assemble into a kit to help me keep my holiday cheer as a single lady.
Fellow singles, I'm bestowing my knowledge onto you. I already know you have alcohol in your cupboard, but here are 11 other things crucial to have on hand if you intend to make it into the New Year alive.
Behold the singles’ survival kit: holiday edition.
A bedazzled bottle of Advil
Look, you already know you’re going to be hungover for 85 percent of December and living next to that bottle of Advil on your desk. At least if it's bling-ified, you have something nice to look at while you think about the sweet release of death.
Adele’s new album
While everyone else is tuning into Michael Buble’s live Christmas Special, you’ll be blasting Adele. She just gets you. Buble doesn’t know your life.
Hello from the other side, bitches.
A vibrator with a string attached to it that says, “I love you” every time you pull on it
Finally, something besides your mom that will love you unconditionally.
I'm not sure one of these already exists, so I'm going to need someone to make me one. How? I don’t know. Do I look like a damn technician? I’m just a dreamer.
All-mint everything
Hate to break it to ya, single girl, but regular chocolate isn’t going to do it for you this year. You need chocolate with that extra something special to make up for the missing spice in your love life.
Did you know they make mint Lindor truffles and Kit Kats? I just found out and highly recommend.
Earplugs
No, not for sleeping. These bad boys are for sticking in your ears whilst couples are smacking their way through the latest “Star Wars” film.
But seriously, is there anything more annoying than hearing non-soda-related slurping noises when you’re trying to get your damn movie on?
A wine aerator
Wine Aerators force circulate air into the wine throughout it, enhancing the flavor. Do yourself a favor, and invest in a nice one. If you’re going to be drinking all month, might as well do it in style.
A prescription for Xanax
Use in case of emergency, like when your mom or your grandma or your twice-removed cousin can't stop asking why you’re still single.
Oh, and if you already have a 5 MG script, you best bump that sh*t up to 10 MG.
This hat
Originally coined “the outdoorsman hat,” this hat actually serves a far greater purpose of blocking your peripheral vision, creating a couple-free zone.
You won’t be able to see all those couples PDA-ing in all their horny holiday glory because the ear flaps simply won’t allow for it.
Vampy lipstick
Rouge is for lovers. Vampy is for horny, loveless women.
A “come f*ck me” dress
If you don’t already have one of these, WTF have you been doing with your life? Stop whatever it is you’re doing, and go get one.
Which segues nicely into my next must-have…
Condoms
Latex. Scented. Small ones for the surprise pinky penis, and large ones for the thick-dicked man of your dreams. You’re going to hoe, hoe, hoe it up all the way through New Year’s because you can -- and don’t you try to deny it.
A stellar sense of humor
Cheer up, single Grouch. The only way to make it through this time of year is to laugh your way through it. So throw on your ugliest sweater, pick up that bottle of Cabernet, and chug like there’s no Christmas morning.
Just don’t forget the Advil.
