35 Answers You Can Give For 'Are You Seeing Anyone?' Over The Holidays
Going home for the holidays is pretty amazing.
Your mom pampers the sh*t out of you while your grandmother bakes cookies that are way better than anything you'd find at Trader Joe’s.
Your aunts and uncles pretend to be interested in your job and your studio on the Lower East Side, which has never had bedbugs (you think).
While you're celebrating alongside Dasher, Prancer and Blitzen, there is one drawback to the holidays. It's a time when every relative you don’t keep in close contact with suddenly has an interest in your nonexistent love life.
Instead of sucker-punching Aunt Marge after she asks if you’re seeing anyone special for the eighth time, offer her one of these brilliant explanations.
1. “Seeing anyone? I see myself in the mirror, does that count?”
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Your reflection is way cuter than some Tinder fling, anyway.
2. Make up an extremely elaborate and super romantic courtship with your pretend bae, David Beckham.
“He was even voted Sexiest Man Alive!"
3. Start hysterically recounting the details of your last breakup.
“He never loved me the way I needed to be loved, Aunt Marge!"
4. “Do you actually think someone is worthy of me?"
Follow up with a boss bitch hair flip .
5. “I’m having way too much fun on Tinder.
Phase 2: Explaining the concept of Tinder to 56-year-old Aunt Marge.
6. “I have a full-time job. I don’t have time for a full-time man.”
Bonus points for the "Sex and the City" reference.
7. Show her photos of you with your body pillow.
“This is Jared and me at the beach. Here he is at the bar. Oh, this one’s a naughty one, Gran, keep scrolling."
8. “Wait, so should I stop having casual sex with random guys I meet at bars?”
The key is appearing genuinely confused.
9. “I prefer not to know their names, actually."
Emphasis on “their."
10. Look horrified and exclaim, “I don’t need no man” at the top of your lungs.
11. "I don’t know, Aunt Marge, how’s your marriage going?"
Oh, you’ve been divorced for four years? Yeah, thought so.
12. “I’d rather not end up like you.”
File this under: Ways to ensure you’re never invited to any family gatherings ever again.
13. Cast your shadiest side eye at the nearest child.
“Yeah, f*ck that."
14. Pull your nearest cousin over and exclaim how in love you are.
It’s legal in some parts of the world, Mom!
15. Rent a male escort.
That’ll shut everyone up.
16. Say “no,” while gleefully rubbing your faux-pregnant stomach.
“Just a couple more months and this little miracle will be the only one I want to see."
17. “He doesn’t live in this country. He bounced as soon as I told him about you. Weird, right?”
It’s all your fault, Aunt Marge.
18. “No, but do you know anybody? Does Uncle Mitch know anyone? Does your cable guy? What about your housekeeper, is she single?”
Somebody? Anybody? Please?
19. “Yeah, it’s pretty serious.”
“Oh, did I forget to mention his name was Netflix? My bad."
20. Whip out a badly Photoshopped photo of you and Drake’s head on David Beckham’s body.
“He’s perfect, Grandma.”
21. Look genuinely confused and say, “What do you mean, seeing? I’m seeing all of you right now, right?”
Then mumble something about an alternate universe and walk away.
22. Point to the closest bottle of wine and hold it up triumphantly.
“Everyone, meet Char. Short for Chardonnay.”
23. “No, but I was spit roasted by Ben and Jerry last night.”
Cue mic drop.
24. “No, but I cum more when I masturbate, anyway.”
It’ll give Grandma a great throwback to the rowdy Eisenhower years.
25. “No, but did you see the studies about rising STD rates?”
Hand out pamphlets, too. Go all in.
26. “I met my soul mate, and he’s battery-operated."
At least the fun never stops, right? Well, for eight hours.
27. “I’m sorry, what?”
Just keep repeating “what?” until they walk away. Or until your Aunt Marge offers her hearing aid.
28. Start singing “I’m too sexy.”
Start taking off your shirt. Make sure there are no children, cops or creepy uncles around.
29. “What’s wrong with dying alone, anyway?”
Be sure to wear all black and look extremely mournful when you do.
30. “I don’t want to contaminate our gene pool with ugly people."
Cast a side eye on the chick your stepbrother brought home for the first time. Look disgusted.
31. “I’m in a committed relationship with my therapist."
Nine out of 10 therapists say the moment therapy is brought into the conversation, everyone shuts up.
32. Look shocked and say, “Oh sh*t, are you seeing them, too?”
Continue looking shocked. Brace yourself for a trip to the psych ward.
33. “Define ‘someone.’”
Look pointedly at your aunt’s old poodle when she asks. Wink. Accept the restraining order with dignity.
34. “I had a threesome with Netflix and Seamless last night, does that count?”
Ask if she wants to join for your next round.
35. “Yeah and he has three kids of his own, so you’re finally getting the grandkids you always wanted!”
Print out stock images of happy kids and eagerly distribute.