So, you’re here because you are fairly certain that, after years of promising yourself you would refrain from doing so, you find yourself becoming your Jewish mother.
You’ve force-fed the delivery guy, checked the price on a bag of pita chips and bragged that your boyfriend is becoming a doctor, like he’s the modern-day equivalent of Moses.
Yup, you’re doing that thing where you act just like Mom. As you are reading this, you are currently wearing her leggings or something else of hers.
But that’s because your Jewish mom is the greatest, most fashionable and coolest. She has an Instagram account, and it’s way more baller than yours. She has 10x better handbags. And it’s very possible that your friends like her more than they like you.
So maybe becoming Mom isn’t such a bad thing?
Wait, oy vey iz mir! What are you saying?!
Here are the 19 signs you have become your Jewish mom.
1. You talk at a decibel others would describe as a shout
You can’t hear anything above the sound of your own voice shrieking about how cool your Bat Mitzvah was.
Talking at a normal level while driving also proves to be difficult for you, which is something you’ll have to work on if you want to be Head of the Hebrew School Carpool.
2. You throw out Yiddish phrases like bread at Passover
Everything is a cause for feeling farklempt -- you're shvitzing, the shmuck you never called back, that stupid shiksa over there, who has a lot of chutzpah to shmooze with your mensch-y boyfriend.
She better watch her tuchas. Forget Mom, you’re starting to sound a lot like Grandma. OY!
3. You’re invested in your friends’ love lives just as much as you are the latest “Scandal”
You love pairing up your fellow Jewish friends like it’s a Noah’s Ark dating app. Like a Jewish mom, you’re the first to give your opinion on anything, really, but especially a new man in the mix.
Trying to keep your mouth shut is harder than fasting on Yom Kippur.
4. You force feed everyone who walks through your door, including the weed delivery guy
Feeding makes a close second on the “Jewish girl’s priority list.” Right underneath, “finding a nice Jewish husband.”
You’ve had to consciously stop yourself from packing leftovers for your friends, in fear that you might actually turn into your Jewish mom and grow your old nose back.
5. You always bring a jacket out with you
And on the nights you don’t, you can be sure to complain about it. The Jews left Egypt with nothing, you can leave with your jacket if you have the chance.
6. You get cranky past 4 pm and need a glass of wine to pacify yourself
After an exhausting day of waking up, getting some work done (at the office, not your face...yet), going to the gym and doing the returns (this is such a Mom thing to do), by the time mid-afternoon rolls around you are feeling #Blessed for this hagafen. Amen!
7. When you can't relate to something you just say things like, “Oh that’s so nice!” and back away
Frequently used in response to, “I went to Dave and Buster's and bought walkie talkies for Christmas.”
You’re confused about that holiday and Dave and Buster's might as well be the name of a Looney-Tunes church.
8. You still talk about your Bat Mitzvah
Um, duh? It was the best day of everyone’s life. Your theme was genius, Mom crushed the balloon game and, let’s face it, you never looked thinner.
9. You won’t go anywhere without a snack
Snacks are practically written into your day-planner as an obligatory 15-minute activity. “Let’s grab a snack first” is more important than making sure the meat is kosher. Ditto for guys.
10. When your roommates / boyfriends / friends don’t answer your texts within 30 minutes, you immediately think the worst and text back, “RU OKAY?!”
….Yeah, we hate to break it to you but you totally are turning into your worried Jewish mom. The only thing worse than nagging your loved ones is losing them.
11. You have one Jewy dish that you cook really, really well
Or you have one Jewy dish that you cook really, really terribly. Like the time you cooked potato latkes that turned green.
Or the time you baked not-exactly-Kosher-for-Passover cake. You may try to be like Mom here, but you know no one whips up brisket like she does.
12. You’ve become the new weatherman for your roommates
“It’s going to rain bring an umbrella!” “Today is freezing, don’t forget your hat!” “I don’t care if it’s 84 degrees. You ALWAYS need a jacket! What about the air conditioning?
13. You’re not above indulging in calorie-free Jewish geography
It’s like freshly rolled challah -- it’s just so tempting!
14. You think you’re really cool when you post a great comment on a friend’s instagram
...Just like your mom does.
15. You love a good, well-priced shoulder bag
To hold all those snacks, umbrellas, jackets, nags and lip glosses. You stock your purse like you do the fridge.
16. You schvitz
When things get real saucy in temple on Rosh Hashanah or when you run into your ex-bestie from sleeping away camp, you tend to perspire uncontrollably.
Breathe. Your people survived years of persecution. This is nothing.
17. You’re playing tennis again
Remember how you used to to be an excellent player at sleepaway camp? Being great at tennis = winning the nose lottery.
18. You plan lady dates throughout the month
These are the same women with whom you hope to play mahjong in 20 years.
19. You love this post, especially because it was written by a fellow Jew
Why shouldn’t you? Who doesn’t want to turn into her Jewish mom? She is the coolest (and she's probably thinner than you)!