Why You Shouldn't Sabotage New Relationships In Fear Of Getting Hurt

by Anjelica Kenerly

We've all found ourselves in the in-between-having-a-boyfriend moment. We constantly overanalyze everything men say to us, and we count every time they hold our hands or kiss us in public.

And then there are the moments when we subconsciously question why nice guys would like us. We think there has to be something mentally wrong with them to be a) single and b) normal.

Why is it whenever the right guys (the potential ones) come along, we create red flags and sabotage what could possibly be the greatest relationships we might ever have?

It's normal to have our past relationships shape who we are. And when we enter new relationships, we compare our old ones to them.

We parallel everything our new guys do to what our exes did. Or, we're afraid things are just going to end like they did the last time. We bring our baggage from our broken hearts into these new relationships.

We don't let new relationships start because we are so convinced the same things will happen again. But the only way to let new people into our lives is to let go of the ones who left.

They left, so leave their baggage with them.

To be completely honest, I try to sabotage every relationship I start. Ever relationship since “The One” -- meaning the one who ripped my organs out and put them back together like fruit salad — I have tried to make every guy flee before things got too serious.

I want to say I don’t do it intentionally, but maybe I do. Deep down, every new guy I date, I hope this is the last time I will have to go through this.

I have a love-hate relationship with the “new guy phase.” I love how I can’t wait to hear from him, the moment I get butterflies when he knocks on my door, how he rolls over and holds my hand while I'm sleeping.

Those are the moments I live for. They make me feel alive and think, “Maybe this could be it.”

But that romantic and idealistic way of my heart is then body-slammed by my brain, the sabotager.

The sabotager drops mental bombs in the form of traps. Traps take the form of random questions: How long was your last relationship? Are you generally like this with every girl you date? Have you thought about me this week?

We want the new guys to say what we want to hear. But we are also testing ourselves to see if we should be letting our guards down, or categorizing them as jerks looking for non-committal relationships.

I have gotten so good at it that I don’t even realize I'm doing it. Words will just spill out, and afterward, all I think is, “Oh sh*t, that was a bomb.” And he always passes.

It is normal to be scared of getting hurt. We are human; no one likes getting his or her heart broken.

But that is a part of life and of love. The right guy won’t care how many bombs you drop or questions you ask. He will see you are amazing, despite the guard you may put up, and he will know how to handle it.

We can’t expect all guys to never call us back, never swipe right or never ask us out past the first date. We can’t sabotage something before it starts.

Being the sabotager breaks not only your heart, but it can also break his.

You could push away the guy who could still give you butterflies after all the bombs.