When selecting a mate, I tend to follow evolutionary guidelines and go for the guy who looks like he could survive the next Ice Age -- which basically means the hairier, the better.
The men I love resemble two-parts Caveman Clooney plus one part Disney Beast, and I will gladly be his guest.
My, and numerous women’s, obsession with hairy men is nothing new. The affinity dates back to prehistoric times in which extreme hairiness was the sign of ultimate masculinity. Fast forward a few years and you can imagine the lady boner I was rocking during Anthro 101.
While all parts of a hairy men are truly spectacular (yes, ball sacks and grizzly backs, I’m eyeing you too), nothing turns us on quite like a luscious thicket of chest hair.
It’s a primal attraction really, for a furry chest is symbolic of matured studliness and virile beastliness.
Even during the most tender moments, when we’re resting cradled in our man’s arms, chest hair invokes a rugged, carnal desire to get down and dirty with each other.
You haven’t really lived until you’ve dated a man with a hairy chest. The first time he reveals his locks of love it’s the absolute best moment.
My excitement upon learning that a man possess this beautiful mess of randomly placed hair can only be compared to that special feeling you get when you tear open wrapping paper on your birthday: There’s nothing you’ve wanted more.
Going out with a guy with a hairy chest changes a woman. It makes her want to do obscene, coarse things like lick it with her tongue and tug at the tufts between her fingers.
I once wrote, “If I could cover my walls in chest hair just so I could nuzzle against it while lying in bed, I would. And I’m fully aware of how odd that sounds.”
I still stand by my former assertion. There’s nothing quite like curling up next to a warm, wooly body.
Still not convinced? Here are all the obvious reasons you need to date a guy with a hairy chest:
1. He’ll keep you warm.
His body is like an electric blanket that sends shockwaves to your heart. You can use him as a human fur coat or natural hand warmer. He's basically the latest "it" accessory this fall, so you better get on it.
2. There are layers to him.
A man with a furry chest beholds great depth underneath it all. Dating him will be quite an adventure, for he can take you back to the retro 70s just as easily as he can swing you from the trees a la Tarzan.
3. They love you au naturel.
There's nothing you have to hide from a man whose chest resembles 16th century drapes.
He loves you for who you are in your natural state -- even your tendency to drool on the pillow. Keep it genuine and real, and he'll be dying to sink his teeth in.
4. He appreciates your personal upkeep.
Unlike most guys, a fuzzy-chested man notices when you put forth an effort in your appearance because he has to do the same. You guys can discuss shaving together. How romantic.
5. He isn't afraid to bare his soul to you.
A man with a bead-curtain chest wants to open up to you. You'll come to admire his sweet moments of vulnerability and find entertainment in his prickly side.
Getting to know this hairy man with a chest made of Katy Perry's fringe will be a banging good time.
6. You can grab on to him when times get tough.
Quite literally. He's a great ride.
7. He knows how to keep himself groomed.
He’s disciplined enough to maintain his mane, but rugged enough not to care too much. He can play it tame or unleash his wild side.
You’ll never get bored dating this guy, for he loves to change his style.
8. He’s uninhibited.
He isn’t afraid to expose himself and let it all hang out. A hairy-chested man is fierce in the bedroom and cozy to cuddle with afterwards.
When you’re lying in the nook, face-to-hair, it’s almost as if you’re lying in a magical forest of love and harmony. That’s when you know it’s the good stuff.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It