I have a date tonight.
Actually, I have three. All guys I matched with on Tinder.
They’re all cute, have decent jobs and carry a conversation well.
Rude? Maybe. But you haven’t seen what I can do after a couple of gin and tonics.
I’m also on the verge of canceling all three.
Don’t get me wrong, the guys are all right up my alley and there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of them. I just don’t really feel like going.
Again, that’s probably rude. Still, there are just way too many factors to consider before each date.
I’m a girl with David Beckham taste and Bill Hader reach.
I also need to consider my priorities, and sometimes they include Hulu and Seamless.
1. Is he worth shaving my legs for?
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If my razor goes above the knee, we had better be getting married.
2. Should I bother with sexy underwear or can I just wear Spanx?
What’s the likelihood of someone actually seeing my vag tonight?
3. How the f*ck do I even approach him?
“Are you John? From Tinder? We swiped — oh, okay.”
4. Do I have a funny anecdote for him?
Should I talk to him about the weather? The train situation? My cat shitting on my bed 20 minutes before I had to leave?
5. Would it be creepy if I recite everything he said in his bio?
You’ve only reread it 15 times before heading to the bar. Oh, and shown it to your friends, coworkers and mom.
You know, just in case they need to meet him later.
6. Does he need to know how much I stalked him on social media?
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“Oh, you have three sisters? Their names are Jane, Emma and Lucy, right? Oh, lucky guess!"
7. Which "me" does he get to see tonight?
Should I go for "sexy" "bohemian" or "I will burn down your f*cking house if you f*ck with me."
8. Which lipstick should I wear?
I’m planning on going past first base today, so I can’t go with anything bright.
Or, I can just f*ck it and hope he’s into the whole “lipstick on his collar” look.
9. Should I drink to get drunk or to have fun?
Tequila me is very different from beer me.
10. Do I have to bother with heels?
As a rule, only wear heels if you plan on marrying the guy.
11. Do I even really want to go on this date?
12. What's my out?
Can I sneak out of the bathroom window, if need be?
13. What do I even expect out of this?
Well, we're probably not getting married. Scratch that, we're definitely not getting married.
14. Which booze combination will make me blackout on the floor?
Tequila and wine might unleash "fun" me, but only for the five minutes before the inside of my body works its way out my mouth.
15. Should I bring up the sketchy sh*t in my past or nah?
Should he know about my ex-baby daddy situation now or...?
16. Should I tell him I write on the Internet?
As long as he doesn't f*ck me over, we're all good.
17. Will he recognize himself if I change his name?
Note to self: Don't reference how he calls his d*ck "Mr.Peacock."
18. How will I react if he tells me he's a serial killer?
Pretty sure the trademark Taylor Swift surprised face is appropriate.