Here’s the thing: I eat a lot. And, yes, I get a lot of heat for it, particularly from men who like to say, “One day you’ll be fat.” It's as if they’re waiting for some sort of satisfaction because no woman should ever be allowed to eat more than a man and not pay for it.
But, by now, I’m used to ignoring all that, and, of course, I’m used to my constant fits of hunger. I bring snacks with me and tell people to f*ck off because, hell no, I don’t share (my friends know this by now).
I order extra food at restaurants and stare at my brunch mates or significant other until they FINALLY hand over their leftovers. (But, I think they do it more out of fear than genuine love.)
So, yes, for the most part I’ve got this whole hunger thing down. But, when it comes to the holiday season, sometimes I lose my cool.
There’s just so much food all the time; if you’re planning a holiday event, you’re always thinking about food. It’s beautiful and miserable all at once.
So, without further ado, here are seven of the most accurate perils of a hungry girl this holiday season:
You always attend holiday work parties, no matter how tortuous
Because, yes, even if you have to deal with that ridiculous HR woman or spend an hour listening to your boss sing karaoke, you’ll always remember the good times you had with that free quiche.
You’re unreasonably excited to see your family
All those pies, stuffing, turkey and every other food group you currently can’t afford are nestled in the arms of your loving family home.
You think about it every time you shovel that 90 cent ramen down your throat, and visions of a functioning, picturesque family deceivingly dance through your head.
Your distant relatives will judge you, especially Aunt Margie
Eating with family you don’t see very often is uncomfortable enough without them staring as if you’re a zoo animal chucking its own feces.
You either get the family members who are overwhelmingly proud and impressed by your eating abilities, or they make you feel as though you’re on the cusp of being banished from society.
Holiday shopping means food court love
I love getting gifts for people almost as much as I love telling my shopping buddy, “Want to meet at the food court in 20 minutes?” Because let’s face it: The food court is the greatest innovation since the opposable thumb.
Well, that and gravy. Stop judging me.
Those chocolates won’t last through the holidays
Here’s the extent of my control when it comes to chocolate: My mom used to buy my sister and I these little cardboard advent calendars with one small chocolate in each window.
She’d have my sister and I open one each night, and we’d savor that tiny little chocolate in front of the fireplace. One morning, my mom woke up and all the chocolates were gone, with the remnants of the advent calendars strewn across the kitchen table.
I regret nothing.
Your holiday planning involves calculating how many dinners you can attend in one night
Ah, holiday dinners: a time for love, friends, family and cheesy spinach casserole.
But, if you’ve ever been invited to more than one dinner per night and you say, “Sorry, I already have plans,” then shame on you. I’ve discovered I can attend about three holiday dinners in one night, if I start the first one at 5 pm.
It’s all about careful planning and coordination, so make your blueprint and plot accordingly.
Food comas are real
After substituting the majority of your small talk with mouthfuls of potatoes and the phrase, “Pass the [whatever],” it’s time for a nap. A really, really long nap.
Yes, you will fall asleep without getting through a full episode on Netflix, and it will be glorious.
Stay hangry, my friends.
And for even hangrier tweets, follow @kathrynkvas.