Ask any girl, and she'll tell you there are unspoken rules about what men can and can't put in a dating profile.
First, he should never include a photo of himself with other women. Whether she's your sister, cousin or friend, we'll always assume that she's a girl you're screwing and swipe left.
Second, your primary photo can't be a group shot. Women don't like playing guessing games. Besides, we'll always assume you're the least attractive one in the photo and swipe left.
Finally, if you have pets of any kind, always include them in your main photo. Fluffs add a million sex appeal points. A puppy will cancel out any flaws, like the fact that he's Shrek's distant cousin or has a pirate hook for an arm.
Except puppies suck.
OK, not the actual puppies, but the men that hold them. Hear me out.
I swipe on a zillion guys a day. I date a decent amount of them, too. But virtually every guy I've ever swiped on because I was into his dog was a huge jerk.
It's not that I don't like dogs. I love dogs and even have one of my own. But puppy-baiting, the act of luring me in with your 6-month-old pound rescue, is only going to get you a left swipe in my book. That's no matter what some studies say.
First of all, it's probably not even his dog.
I once went on a date with a guy who'd posed with a dog that wasn't even his. When I came over his place and asked him where his pup was, he told me that the pooch belonged to his — wait for it — girlfriend. He was clearly a sociopath and the situation was more or less unique, but really, who does that?
Not that many people in New York City have dogs. There's statistically no way all the dogs I spot in profile photos belong to the guys holding them.
He's compensating for something else.
He's not just trying to show off his soft side. That dog — whether it's his or not — is working to distract you from whatever crazy he's hiding.
Puppies are like a drug. Once you see one, you forget the guy on the other end of the leash is actually a serial killer or whatever. Puppies make you blind to a person's negative qualities because you're already thinking about your future puppy cuddles and face licks and walks in dog parks with other pups.
Guys think it's this huge secret trick.
There are entire articles out there talking about how to get more chicks to swipe right on dudes, and their number one tip? Throw a dog in your profile photo because chicks dig dogs.
Vaginaville hopefuls, meet F*ckboy Island, which is what I'm casting you off when I see you cuddling your four-legged friend.
Your Tinder match didn't post that photo with his pooch because he thinks he looks good in it — he posted it because he thinks it's his one-way ticket to Vaginaville.
Also, leave exotic animals alone.
Yeah, tough guy, it takes a lot of machismo to pet a sedated tiger or to chill with a fake lion. I've never met a guy who chills with endangered species who wasn't a bag of dicks, so take that advice however you please.
The only thing worse than this are guys who pose with animals they just killed, like that dentist who killed Cecil the lion. Forget swiping left -- I'd swipe right just to tell him that he deserves the same fate as that poor animal he just murdered.
I love puppies. I also love men. The two of them together? Good thing I have my own dog to keep me company.