I've never been the kind to hide my sex toys. Ever since I moved out of my mom's house, I've been all about keeping my whips and chains on full display.
That is, until I got a dog. Chloe, my rambunctious, teddy bear-humping pooch, enjoys gnawing on the vibrators I proudly display on my nightstand. Let me tell you, there's nothing hotter than finding your favorite vibe riddled with teeth marks from an overzealous Pomeranian.
I started hiding my dildos again, but only out of necessity. To be honest, I'm kind of angry because I drop serious dough on my toys and they do not deserve to share a cabinet with my Trojans and contact solution.
I'm on the market for an unchewable vibe, so I turned to Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle site, Goop. These days, the site is making news for recommending a 24K gold dildo that retails for $15,000. That's, like, the Beyoncé of dildos.
In the name of market research, I decided to find the priciest sex toys you can purchase. Hey, maybe multiple paychecks equals multiple orgasms? The way to a woman's heart isn't diamonds or chocolate, it's a gold-plated faux boner.
If you need a bit more convincing to try anal: AHH Fornicouture Fragaria Anal Stimulator, $840
I don't know about you, but I've always wanted to shove a strawberry up my tuchus.
Why the $$? This butt plug is made of brass and coated in sterling silver. Also, each strawberry is totally unique, which is crucial when you don't want to confuse yours with your boo's.
If you want a Kate Moss-approved vibe: Jimmyjane Eternity, $3,250
This modern art piece comes in both platinum and 24K gold. Do you clean it with a jewelry cleanser or sex toy soap? I can't figure out whether I'm supposed to wear this around my neck or stick it in my cooch.
Why the $$? It's diamond-encrusted and 24K gold. Honestly, your boy would be better off buying you the Eternity instead of an engagement ring.
If you're tired of ties: Betony Vernon Elegant Bondage Rope, $3,280
Your boyfriend's clearance rack ties just don't cut it compared to rope. Don't go to Home Depot for the stuff, opt for the designer take. Throw down more than $3,000, and you're ready to give Christian Grey a run for his money.
Why the $$? The rope is woven with sterling silver. Wonder if it'll hurt as much as the old-school kind.
If you want to keep it discreet: Lelo Yva, $3,900
This thing is so cute, I kind of want to dress it up in Barbie clothes and snuggle it while I sleep. It's also (thankfully) super quiet, so not even your ultra-rich hubby will know you're vibing away in bed next to him.
Why the $$? The vibe is coated in 18K gold, officially making it one of the most expensive things to put in your lady pocket.
If a plain old dick just doesn't cut it: Velv'or King JCobra Gentlemen's Ring, $220,000
Looks like someone got a little too literal with the term “trouser snake.”
Frankly, I've always wanted to unzip someone's pants and see a giant snake staring back at me, so this is totally up my alley.
Why the $$? It comes in gold, silver and platinum.