F*ck You: 33 Thoughts That Go Through A Woman's Head When You Tell Her To Smile

by Lauren Martin

There’s an epidemic happening. It’s been going on for years, recently spreading to more and more cities. It started in clubs, parties and frat houses and has now taken to the streets. It’s on park benches and subways. It’s in coffee shops and museums. It’s in offices, lobbies and elevators. Nowhere is safe.

The symptoms include anger, depression, rage and complete and utter disillusionment. It’s easy to catch and almost impossible to cure once you’ve been hit.

It comes out of nowhere and attacks at your most vulnerable moments. There is no cure. The only way to fight off the sickening effects is with time and enraged thoughts.

Like HPV and bad pick-up lines, it’s something that primarily affects women.

Like the discomfort of a urinary tract infection or the awkwardness of, “Hey baby wanna sit on my lap?,” it’s a discomfort directly caused by men.

While the intentions of it range from attention to douchebaggery, the end result is always the same… completely pissing us off.

That’s right, it’s the incurable, horrific and widely-spreading plague of men telling women to smile. More common than colds and more viral than STDs, it’s a new breed of discomfort and women everywhere are sick of it.

The truth is that, unbeknownst to the male ego, women don't feel like smiling when they look at you.

Contrary to their warped beliefs, women aren't bubbly, smiling airheads walking around looking to spread their legs and cheer to everyone who passes. Sometimes, just sometimes, we're not in the mood to smile.

Sometimes we're thinking. Sometimes we're pondering. Sometimes we're resting. Sometimes we're just walking down the street or sitting on the subway.

Unfortunately, we don't know when we will be attacked. We never know when our normal resting face will incite some man to tell us how to live our lives. It can come at any time and any place, and women everywhere are more and more frightened.

Demanded smiles are a "benevolent" fixture in street harassment, and after too many attacks and one too many deaths, attention must be paid. We must find a cure, a way of halting this horrible sickness that comes out of men’s mouths the same way infected germs spray.

Because we’re slowly dying from it. Women everywhere are falling apart on streets, subways and clubs. We’re accosted out of nowhere and the effects are damaging.

The rage is building and the carriers of this sickness must be locked up and sanitized. Until that day, until we round up all the men and quarantine them, here are the 30 thoughts that go through every woman’s head when a man tells her to smile.

1. F*ck you.

2. I’m sorry, do I know you?

3. I hate everyone.

4. You were talking to me... of course I’m not smiling.

5. Nobody should be smiling on the subway right now.

6. You don’t know my life.

7. It’s my right to frown.

8. Sometimes I just don’t want to be happy.

9. I have thoughts that make my face go this way.

10. It takes muscles to smile.

11. My face likes it this way.

12. Wouldn’t you prefer for me to be relaxed?

13. Who the f*ck do you think you are?

14. That would be physically impossible at this moment because I hate you.

15. This is my happy face, what kind of face is yours?

16. Is my smile vital to your happiness?

17. My face isn’t your jurisdiction.

18. Do you pick up a lot of girls that way?

19. Do you get punched in the face a lot?

20. My mouth really isn’t your business.

21. I'm guessing you don’t have a girlfriend.

22. I’ve never thought such evil thoughts about a person I don’t even know.

23. I don’t think I’ve ever been angrier than this moment.

24. You just made me want to frown the rest of the day.

25. Great, now I’m in an even worse mood.

26. F*ck you… again.

27. I wish I could think of something clever to say back.

28. Get a bigger penis?

29. Wow, you’re a douchebag.

30. Who raised you?

31. I want to punch you in the d*ck.

32. Thank you sir, I had no idea what to do with my face.

33. Well, there goes my entire day.

Photo Courtesy: Tumblr