Real Housewives of New Jersey star, Melissa Gorga, has written a new book called "Love Italian Style" about how to keep your marriage as drama-filled happy and hot as the one she has with her chode husband, Joe Gorga. The secret to her nine-year betroth can best be described by Gorga herself, "In our marriage, Joe is always the man, doing masculine things. I'm the woman, and I do the female things, including housework."
Joe echoes this sexist sentiment:
"To be on the same level, everyone has to get off the high horse. I don't care if the woman makes more money than the man, if he's a janitor and she's the president. After a fourteen-hour workday, if a man comes home and there's no dinner on the table, and his wife is on the phone, watching TV, or on the computer ignoring him, he won't feel respected."
This one comes from a section titled, "You Can Do Just About Anything For Ten Minutes."
"Even when I'm exhausted and not really in the mood, if it means a lot to Joe that we connect physically, I'll say, 'I'm not so into it tonight, but let's go.' "If it's a hard 'no,' I try to be nice about it. Don't swat him away, or say with a tone, 'Leave me alone!' Eventually he will leave you alone at more than you wish he would."
This sounds like Joe Gorga is training a blow-up sex doll.
"In the beginning, Joe wanted to have sex every single day, at least once, if not twice or three times...If I didn't give it to him once a day, he'd get upset. "I can do something that pisses him off on a Monday, but if we had sex on Sunday night, it blows over more easily. But if we haven't done it for two days and I give him attitude? It could be a huge fight."
But those are not actually the worst lines in the book. Joe Gorga says,
"Men, I know you think your woman isn't the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says 'no,' turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don't realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want."
There's plenty other appalling gems that depict the sexist idiot that is Joe Gorga. Seriously, we're going to open the book, close our eyes and point our finger to a spot...okay...there!
"[Joe's] style was to make corrections and to teach me from the beginning days of our marriage exactly how he envisioned our life together. Joe always says, 'You got to teach someone to walk straight on the knife. If you slip, you're going to get cut.' Even if something didn't bother him that badly, he'd bring it up. He wanted to make sure that I knew, for example, if I ran out to CVS and he came home from work to an empty house, he didn't like it. He'd call me and say, 'I don't care if you're out all day long. But I don't want to come home to an empty house.'"
(Ugh, I wish I could spend all day in CVS. I am obsessed with beauty products. But, I digress...) We're glad to read that Melissa graduated from Joe Gorga's Meatballs University and learned how to be home when he demanded it.
Melissa also goes on to explain that going out with your prostituting single friends isn't good for your marriage. Lol. Is this why all our coupled friends don't go out with us anymore? All this time we thought it was our drinking habits...
"Listen, we all love to hang out with our single friends. Who's more fun? But, let's call a spade a spade. You can't make a habit of it when you are married. It's always better for your relationship to go out with people who have more in common with you. You are less likely to get yourself in trouble…[T]oo many…'Girls' Nights' with the single ladies can only lead to temptation."
This one is pretty fun and sad at the same time. Wow! Melissa could actually be that deep? Just kidding:
"The routine of making dinner and keeping a clean house is how I stay grounded. It keeps me humble. "Someone might look at Joe and think, 'Chauvinist pig.' He sounds like one sometimes! They might look at me and think, 'Throwback.' The way I see it, Joe is cleaning up messes at work all day long — things you can't wipe up with a sponge. That's his job. It's my job to clean up spilled milk. I just do it. There is simply no point to arguing about something that requires all of five seconds of my time and next to zero energy."
This one on how she'll raise her two sons and one daughter makes us uncomfortable:
"My sons can have a separate entrance to the house. They can come and go as they wish. They can have anyone up to their room. I don't care. But I want to keep my Antonia my little girl. "My wish is for her to have one boyfriend for a very long time. They have a mutual breakup with no bad feelings. Then she marries the next guy. That would be ideal. I don't want her to ever have her heart broken. The only way I can see to helping her romantic life work out that way is to be really strict and overprotective about who she sees, when she goes out, and what she does. "I know it's a double standard but I just don't care! I don't see it so much as restricting Antonia, but as protecting her."
Huh? (Places palm on forehead.) Did she run out of things to write about? Well, at least she owns up to it? Why are we even trying to make sense of this...
This last one is simply because the thought of Melissa taking a poop in secrecy just tickles us! She'll never get to experience a great sh*t....(But, don't worry. she will definitely be having plenty of forced sex.)
"Girls don't poop. Me, never have. Never will. It just doesn't happen. Or, that's what Joe thinks! We've been married for nine years, and he has never once seen or smelled my business. How have I pulled this off? I don't do it when he's around or awake. In an emergency, I have my ways of pooping so he won't hear, smell, or see. It's a challenge."
All in all, according to Melissa, the real key to a successful marriage is to be a complete submissive to your husband. We can't give her credit for original ideas (misogyny has been around forever), but at least we can give her points for actually writing her own book!
Via: Jezebel, Top Photo Credit: WENN