Why It Means You Are Not In Love When You Want To Change Him


As I got older, I learned that there is whole other world to dating than what I once thought. I realized that sometimes in life, relationships can be hard and most consist of compromise and sacrifice.

I came to understand that the love a person has for another can just simply leave. Relationships can fall apart and marriages can divorce. But, the one thing that I have seen time and again is the idea that women believe we can change men.

The man could be a criminal, cheating on his beloved partner or even taking advantage of us, and we could still be in love with him.

It happens every day. We witness our best friend crying over the man she loves, and the next day, she’s back with him.

We get so frustrated, angry and hurt that our friend is running back into the arms of the person who broke her heart in the first place. We ask ourselves, "What made her stay? He broke her heart, why is she still with him?"

Now, don’t get me wrong; I do believe that sometimes, a person can change his or her world around for the better, and I do believe that relationships can make it through the tough times to come out stronger on the other end.

But if it comes down to the fact that the guy is constantly breaking your heart over and over again, I believe there comes a point when you need to draw a line and say "no more."

The problem is when our hearts are broken, we are very fragile and anything that may mend our hearts will do, like running back in to the arms of the man who broke us in the first place.

Sometimes, our own judgments blind us. We fear loneliness, and we fear life without the person who was once our whole world.

We fear not being able to find another. We never fully understand why our best friends go back to the guys who broke their hearts until we experience a similar heartbreak and have that “aha moment.” That’s why she stayed.

To those who have had their hearts broken, keep this in mind: Just because you can’t even begin to imagine life without him doesn’t mean you need to get back with him.

It doesn’t mean you belong with him, and it certainly doesn’t mean you two are meant to be. You will find another person who will make you realize why it never worked out with the last person. You will not be lonely forever.

He will eventually stop invading your every thought. You will discover his purpose in your life one day.

It’s not always easy to move on; it will be sh*tty for some time, but one day, you will wake up and you’ll think to yourself, “I think I’m finally over it, I think I’m clean.”

And, let me tell you, it is the most euphoric, liberating feeling in the world. Getting back together with the person who broke you in the first place will not fix you.

Let’s also make it very clear that it is neither your job nor duty to change your partner. It is not your job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that the person you "love" can evolve.

In life, we learn that we cannot fix or change people just because we love them. Plus, changing people usually appeals to our own selfish desires, anyway.

We need to let the people we love be perfectly themselves and not twist them to fit our images of who we think they should be.

Otherwise, we love only the reflections of ourselves we find in them. And, that is not true love.

As much as we want to change someone, we can’t. People have to want to change; they have to want to do better and be better.

Loving someone is not wanting to change him or her; loving someone is helping him or her reveal the greatest version of him or herself.

To anyone reading this, I hope you have the courage to pursue someone who is worth pursuing, not someone who, at the end of the day, simply makes you feel less alone.

Don't go for someone who temporarily fills a void in your heart and, most importantly, don't go for someone who is convenient.

Convenience is impatience disguised in your desires. You are worth more than what time has told you. You are more than worthy of finding someone who will wait for you.

Don’t settle for what is easy; settle for something that makes you feel alive. Settle for something that is euphoric. Settle for something that makes sparks fly and creates magic when you two are together.

Remember that you are deserving of all of this and everything and more. There are too many mediocre things in life — don’t let love be one of them.