Smoke And Mirrors: 27 Times Porn Lied To Us About Sex In The Real World

by Lauren Martin

Everyone remembers that first time. That first rush, first moment, first click. Some started slow, others went right in. Some were 14, others 26. However, we all let curiosity (to put it gently) get the better of us and surfed our way to our very first porn site.

I remember my first time clearly. Unsure of what I was looking for, I decided to take the celebrity route.

Due to my love to hate (Or is it hate to love? I’ll never know.) relationship with Kim Kardashian, I figured a familiar face would be a great foray into this foreign world of everlasting erections and fake tits. And as we all know, Kim did not disappoint.

The authenticity of her night with Ray J smoothly transitioned me into the world of fake moans and one too many money shots. Before long, I realized why porn was the most profitable business on the Internet... it’s awesome.

I mean, what could be more entertaining than watching a mailman deliver his actual package? There are so many options: lesbian, interracial, gang bang, theatrical, amateur, fetish, MILF, vintage, underage, Latina, fisting. Whatever you’re into, they have it. And if you don’t know what you’re into, you will find out soon enough.

However, as the saying goes, “If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.” After years of free porn, I can say that my expectations of sex and the reality of it came to a halting collision as I realized that porn is most definitely a lie, and most definitely giving men the wrong idea about women.

Contrary to what men like to believe, most women don't want them to finish on their faces. Your girl will not moan with delight when you surprise her and stick it in the back door.

She will not be waiting for you on the couch in lingerie. And she will most definitely not be asking for you and those strange men you invited over to gang bang her.

So while porn is definitely great, it’s also something you must take with about as much validity as that pornstar's natural erection. It’s a dream world for men and about as close to hell as a woman can get.

It’s the demoralization of everything a woman stands for and a the very epitome of every male's fantasy. The porn industry is comprised of lies wrapped up in one flaccid penis and two fake tits.

These are the 27 times that porn taught you nothing about real sex:

Ladies, you will get a UTI if you don’t pee after

Those porn stars aren’t telling you about all the cranberry juice they’re drinking afterwards.

It will never be that hot

Maybe for him, but a woman will never scream with delight over the idea of being slapped with a dick.

Bigger isn’t always better

It’s all about how well they can drive the machinery.

Nine times out of 10, she can do it better herself

Sorry men, but you don’t always know what you’re doing.

It will never just slide right in

Thank God. If it worked that easily, men would be slipping it in every woman in a skirt standing nearby on the subway.

She will never just orgasm

Sticking it in is only the first of very many steps.

Queefing happens… a lot

They have editing boards, real life does not.

No one moans like that

Sorry men, but that’s just not the natural sound of a woman.

Women don't really want it all over their faces

It’s sticky, gross and not proven to give a good facial.

O-faces are never that pretty

If it's really good, it will look like she's being tortured.

Men carrying a package will not get laid at the doorstep

However, if that's what's keeping mailmen in the workforce... keep the dream alive my friends.

Women don’t sit around in their lingerie

If I’m watching “The Good Wife,” I want to be comfortable. Lingerie will never beat sweatpants.

Most of the time when someone walks in on you, that person won’t join in

Approximately, 9.9 times out of 10, that person will close the door, run away or tell you to get off the water bed.

Whiskey dick is real

Things go wrong, a lot more than men would like to admit.

Sometimes she’s just not in the mood to get it in

Sorry, but if she’s getting her leaky pipe fixed, she might not also be in the mood for a romp.

Reciprocation is a courtesy, and most people are rude

People are greedy and it doesn’t stop in the bedroom.

10+ is a blessing, not the norm

Only in a perfect, flaccidless world

Men aren’t hairless, and neither are women

If we could pay someone to wax us every three days, it would be different.

"No" does not mean "yes"

That’s just rape.

Most men are not ready to go six or seven times in a row

Not that I know why a woman would want to go that many times to begin with.

You’ll never be that flexible

That’s how Charlie horses happen.

Sometimes it just doesn’t bend that way.

You can break it…

Women aren’t begging for it in every hole

Call a spade a spade, but don't call that an accident.

Her gagging on it is your fantasy, not hers

There are about 1,000,000 other things she’d rather be eating.

Long sex isn’t always the best sex

It’s like “Titanic,” let’s just skip to the good parts.

There’s not an abundance of sex-hungry MILFS

If they’re that hot, they are getting it already.

She doesn't dream of getting gang banged

Unless it's by Leo DiCaprio, Channing Tatum and Matt Damon.

Bonus: Faking is very real

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It